


of misery and of changes

by jzerone



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mentioned Stray Kids Ensemble, Self-Harm, Smoking, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:20:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 42
Words: 62,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21734419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jzerone/pseuds/jzerone
Summary: [COMPLETED]ever since they lost a friend, none of them have been the same.it would've taken a lot for them to accept that he was never coming back.until they all come together and realize that maybe it's better to let go of what they've been holding on to.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin & Kim Seungmin, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Comments: 30
Kudos: 82





	1. the dullness

**Author's Note:**

> first skz au here. and what is a jzerone au if it isn't angst haha. IT'S VERY SAD.
> 
> okay but jokes aside, there's a deeper meaning to this story and as a stay, i'm a hundred percent sure you'll be able to catch up in the meaning real fast.
> 
> **MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING: there are themes and events in this story that may cause extreme uneasiness. [eg. suicide, triggers, self-harm, etc.] please please do not read if these are issues you are sensitive to. i don't want to cause unnecessary harm to any of my readers, and i don't want you guys to go through anything negative because of this fic. thank you.**
> 
> a skz au brought to you by jzerone © 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which changbin thinks he's going crazy, but woojin insists that he isn't.
> 
> **PART I — in which everything seemed like a dream, and none of them wanted to wake up.**  
>  **as their lives broke into a million pieces, it was hard to pick them all back up.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **lowercase intended!**

**_1 — THE DULLNESS_ **

he stared into the darkness, letting the cold breeze from the evening air enter his room with no warning. the window was wide open, yet he had no intentions of closing it.

there were a lot of things in his mind. it had been 15 days ever since the incident, and he hadn't seen anyone since. sometimes, chan or jisung would come visit, but it would only last for five to ten minutes.

changbin wasn't sure if it was because they didn't want to bother him too much or if it was because the two of them were too busy to stay with him for too long. he was convinced it was the latter.

all his other classmates told him that he'd eventually forget everything he remembered about the incident. he wasn't sure about that. 

_"binnie, i'm sorry—"_

_"no!" changbin yelled, pressing his hands against his ears. "it can't be! that's not true! you're lying! this can't be happening to us."_

_the screams were deafening, and everything around him was a blur. his hands were sweaty, and his shirt was already soaking wet because of the mixture of sweat and tears._

a strong breeze suddenly entered changbin's room, sending the pile of papers on his desk to the floor. he didn't budge.

"i told you to close your windows when it strikes 6pm, remember?" woojin sighed, picking up the scattered pieces of paper on the floor after getting out of changbin's bathroom. he made his way towards the window after placing them back on the desk.

"leave it be," changbin said, getting up in the process. "i don't care if it gets cold."

"you'll _get_ colds," woojin rolled his eyes as he tried to shut the window. he groaned. "binnie, it's stuck again. a little help would do."

he made his way to woojin, who was standing in front of the open window, looking outside the quiet neighborhood. "i had this fixed, remember? that day before hyunjin's performance?" 

woojin lowered his gaze. "i guess i'll leave it open then."

changbin's hair became messy due to the wind blowing. "seriously. i'm doing fine." but he wasn't. he could feel his heart pounding against his chest, he could feel his hands getting sweaty, and he could feel his breath shortening.

woojin shook his head, sitting on the window frame. "doesn't look like it, honestly. how many times have you been out?"

"fine, but i _will_ be okay," changbin said with a small smile, ignoring the question. "trust me." 

woojin playfully punched changbin's arm. "hey, i haven't seen you smile in a while."

he suddenly frowned after being told that he was smiling. "huh? what smile, i don't see a smile."

"you can't fool me, seo changbin," woojin laughed. a moment of silence consumed the two friends. it was a comfortable silence, and changbin looked out his window. the light in jeongin's room was still switched on.

he sighed. "he forgot to switch it off again."

jeongin lived across from changbin's house. the younger boy always seemed to bring around the sun with him. changbin appreciated jeongin's presence despite being annoyed by the boy's unnecessary optimism at times. but lately, due to being isolated in his room, and the constant darkness in his life for the past few days, changbin missed jeongin's annoying ways and most of all, the sunshine he brought around with him.

everyone needed jeongin's sunshine after what happened. changbin wondered when he'd be able to witness it again.

"how many times do i have to tell him to switch his light off before hitting the hay?" changbin groaned. "and he complains about it all the time."

"maybe you should check up on him," woojin said, putting a hand on changbin's shoulder. "he could become... fragile at times."

changbin sighed, finally closing the window. "he'd only listen to seungmin."

another silence.

"i'm still mad at you."

woojin let out a short laugh. "no you're not."

"of course i am," changbin said, walking over to his desk. "here, write something on this piece of paper."

woojin followed, sitting on the chair by the desk. he then picked up changbin's pen and wrote **it's going to be okay** on the paper. "there, you happy now?"

changbin shook his head as he made his way to his bed. he jumped, making a loud _THUMP—_. "i'm going crazy. i know i am."

woojin let out a small smile as he looked at his younger friend lay on his bed. "you can't go crazy, binnie. you have to check up on the others."

the young aspiring rapper let out a groan. "of course it has to be me. it's always going to be me."

"you'll understand why, i promise. take it all in, be aware of your surroundings, of _them_ , especially and then you'll realize why you can't go crazy just yet."

"woojin?"

no answer.

"alright fine. leave me be for a while. i need to collect my thoughts before i really go insane."

the room stayed silent for a couple more minutes, and although changbin felt that he was alone, he knew he wasn't.


	2. the cigarettes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which hyunjin has turned to something detrimental, and changbin hears about jeongin for the first time again.

**_2 — THE CIGARETTES_ **

"you called?"

"i haven't seen you in a while."

"well, i've done nothing but mope in my room. i've never been better."

hyunjin scoffed, turning away to light up a cigarette. he took a long drag before facing changbin again, blowing the smoke into his face.

the older boy waved his hand around, trying to swat away the dirty air. "i hate you."

"no one's been better. stop fooling yourself," hyunjin said, ignoring changbin's comment.

the two boys were at the woods just behind their school. it was their hideout, though they were sure others call it their hideout as well. it had a wooden bench with a couple names written on it from people who have claimed it theirs before they did.

changbin looked under the bench to see a little hole in the ground filled with cigarette butts. he was sure it was all hyunjin's.

"i fucking hate everything," hyunjin let out a huff.

"yeah, and i hate that you're smoking," a new voice said.

the two friends turned their back to see the owner of the voice. hyunjin rolled his eyes, letting out a fake laugh. "oh great, mister _you'll-be-fine-without-me_ is here."

"hey, stop it," changbin said.

"what did _i_ do?" hyunjin laughed, extending his hand that held the cigarette. "i'm simply enjoying this stick that increases the possibility of me dying. i'm not bothering anyone?"

"what is wrong with you, huh?" woojin asked, standing in front of the younger boy. "you've never been like that. you've never even tasted a cigarette before."

hyunjin abruptly stood up, making him slightly tower over woojin's whole body frame. "that was before _you_. that was when everything was _a-okay_. that was before all nine of us started keeping secrets from each other. that was before _you_ started it all." he pushed woojin with his finger as he emphasized the word "you".

"hey!" changbin exclaimed, pushing hyunjin away from woojin. "hyunjin, what the hell is wrong with you?"

changbin wanted to get angry at hyunjin. he was being a complete asshole. he was being rude and disrespectful, but something in hyunjin's eyes told him that he was hurting deep inside, that he wasn't okay. and he didn't want to add to hyunjin's pain.

"a lot of things, apparently," hyunjin shrugged, stepping away from his two older friends. "at least now that we're all going a bit crazy, we'll get to see each others' true colors, right?"

"hyunjin, shut up."

"let's just go," hyunjin said, stomping on the cigarette with the heel of his shoe. "i want to go somewhere peaceful. i hate this place, i hate this hideout. it makes no sense to me anymore."

the boy then started walking away. changbin looked at woojin who just stared at the ground. he put a hand on his shoulder. "he's still mad. i'm sorry. i'm going to try to talk to him about it. i promise."

"i understand his pain. i'm the one who should be sorry," woojin sighed. "it's my fault he's like this, and look. i'm making you guys deal with him instead."

changbin shook his head. "it's what friends do, okay? we'll be okay."

"changbin! let's go!" hyunjin called from a few meters away.

"alright i'm coming!" changbin called back. "i'm going, okay? you take care."

with that, changbin started to jog towards hyunjin. when he reached where the younger boy was standing, he looked back at the hideout they used to call home, the place where all their happy memories seemed to be stuck in, and then noticed woojin was no longer there.

**\- •3• -**

"you reek of alcohol. did i tell you that?" changbin said.

the two friends continued to walk downtown, away from school, away from any of their neighborhoods. it was also the first time changbin has been out of his house, so he was sort of thankful that hyunjin finally reached out, though he was the last person in mind that he thought would.

"you just gotta steal some from dad's stash in the kitchen and _voila!_ " hyunjin made a magician's gesture. "free alcohol to ingest all day everyday."

"and the cigarettes?"

the taller boy licked his lips. "i asked... someone to buy for me."

"it's minho."

"no!"

"of course it is," changbin laughed. "chan wouldn't do it, _i_ wouldn't do it, and you can't make jisung or any of the others do it, so of course you turn to your closest senior, lee minho."

hyunjin ran a hand through his hair, stopping at the sight of the han river in front of them. he sighed. "we're close? i mean, we used to be?"

changbin nodded. "we're close."

another silence consumed the two friends. changbin was getting sick of it, he was getting tired of the silence. none of his friends have brought up the incident, but he had so much in his chest. he needed to let it out. and he thought maybe hyunjin would listen.

"hyunjin, i miss hanging out with everyone," he started.

hyunjin shook his head and started to walk away. "no, i'm not talking about it."

_what was i thinking? of course he wouldn't listen._

"but jinnie—"

"hyung!" hyunjin exclaimed, turning back. "shut up! nothing you can do is going to turn back time. nothing you're going to say is going to magically bring us all back together and we'll all be happy pills once again. it doesn't work that way. it never will. just give up already... after what happened... we're never going to be the same anymore. not you, not me, not even jeongin!"

"you haven't even seen him yet!" changbin yelled back.

hyunjin let out a bitter laugh. "oh i have, trust me. the jeongin you'll see in the near future isn't the jeongin you used to know. maybe that'll convince you."

hyunjin then started walking away, leaving changbin alone under the dimming sky. he crouched down, putting his head in his hands, swearing softly at himself. _this is stupid,_ he thought. _maybe woojin was wrong. maybe i will go insane soon enough._

and as if on cue, the dark clouds have brought out the thunder, and the next thing changbin knew, the rain was falling down on him, like the burden he was carrying in his chest.


	3. the guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which minho feels an unusual bearing in his chest, something he wants no one to find out about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **trigger warning: references to suicide**

**_3 — THE GUILT_ **

the sun's rays peeked through minho's curtains, as if mocking the fact that even a little sunshine had to squeeze its way into his day after the incident. he stood from his bed, and walked over to his mirror. he stared at his own reflection as if it were another person.

bare chest, boxers, messy hair, pale lips, tired eyes—he was getting used to seeing himself that way though he normally wouldn't let anyone see this side of himself.

"for fuck's sake," he muttered to himself. "you look awful. you look hideous, minho."

he shook his head, walking away from his reflection. it was yet another day of being alone. for the past few days, however, he wasn't. jeongin started to hang out with him. the younger boy even asked if he could live with him every once in a while. that meant sleeping with him, cooking meals _for_ him, and keeping the younger one company. normally, he would have said no. he had a lot to worry about—he had no time to make jeongin one of those things.

but he couldn't resist the kid, not after what happened. he knew how vulnerable jeongin could become.

as he prepared his breakfast, not minding if it was already noontime, he heard a knock at his door. he groaned. "who is it?" he called, although he knew he wouldn't be able to hear a response until he answered the door himself.

he quickly put on a shirt and made his way to the door. he suspected it was jeongin again, but when he opened it, he was greeted by another face.

"oh, what're you doing here?" minho asked. "come in."

he walked back to the kitchen of his apartment and continued to prepare his breakfast. "have you eaten?" he asked.

changbin sat on one of the dining chairs. "i'm good."

"that wasn't my question," minho said, bringing out a pitcher of grape juice from the fridge. "here, have some. you know where the glasses are."

changbin checked the date on his phone. "you're supposed to be in school."

it was true. it was a wednesday, and minho was a nursing student at the university nearby. changbin went back to the living room and checked minho's wall calendar. he remembered that minho was a diligent student, never missed any class and made sure he had everything prepared before he left his apartment.

also, for every day minho attended school, he crossed it out on the calendar just to make sure he doesn't forget the number of days the school year has. however, for that month, only eight days have been crossed out.

"you haven't _been_ to school," changbin said, as if talking to himself.

"yes i have," minho said, appearing beside changbin with a plate of fruits. "i just.. forgot to cross the days out."

"you? forgetting something? doesn't sound like you at all," changbin said, making his way to minho's sofa where the boy was eating his fruits.

"i swear," the older boy said, chewing on a grape. "i just got a bit too busy."

 _too busy trying to die,_ he thought.

"are you sure you're okay, though?" changbin asked, leaning on the armrest.

he took the time to take a quick look at minho's small apartment, and saw no sign of him. changbin was quite relieved. he didn't know what would happen if minho saw him.

"totally fine," minho said, extending his arms. "we have a day off today. besides, aren't _you_ supposed to be in school?"

changbin rolled his eyes. "that's not fair, firing the same question back at me."

minho laughed. "yes it is. come on, changbin. you never visit me unless something's wrong."

"that's not true!"

"oh really? what about that time you needed help for a science project?"

"stop—"

"or that other time you were too lazy to do homework so you purposely visited me and asked me to help you."

"okay—"

"so what's the problem?"

"nothing," changbin said. the boy quickly thought of a diversion so he could change the topic. "mind if i stay for a while? we could play video games."

 _fuck,_ minho thought. _of all days, why did it have to be today, changbin?_ but then again, if changbin didn't come and minho would be able to execute his plan smoothly, will changbin _have_ some other day to see him again?

minho sighed, letting out a small grin. "your switch or mine?"

"that's the spirit," changbin said, pulling out his nintendo switch from his backpack. "mine i guess? unless you have yours charged which i'm pretty sure you don't."

minho placed his plate of fruits down on the coffee table and threw a pillow at changbin. "dummy! i charged mine last night!"

"okay," changbin said, completely unconvinced.

minho ignored him because he was right to be unconvinced. he hasn't touched his switch in a few weeks, especially not after the incident. he spent most of his time either trying to overdose himself or drown himself in the bathtub.

he was planning on another attempt tonight but changbin was there, and he was sure the boy would be able to detect something if he didn't act the way he used to. because the old minho was gone. he was missing, and this new minho just wanted to disappear, to vanish forever.

he was a nursing student so why wasn't he able to save one of the most important people in his life?


	4. the fondness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which chan asks for help, and jisung sees the one person chan loved to call home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **just so you guys know, i try my bestest to edit and proofread the chapters before posting them. if ever there are typos/wrong grammar, it's probably because i wasn't able to recheck or bc sometimes, i type too fast without letting my fingers be in sync with my brain anyway, enjoy!**

**_4 — THE FONDNESS_ **

_you never cared for him._

_you never shed a tear._

_what kind of friend are you?_

_you never really cared, did you?_

the words were playing over and over in his head. the haunting voices kept him awake, and it has been over two weeks since the incident. he pressed both hands against his ears, attempting to block it all out. it hasn't stopped, the voices in his head. and even though he knew they weren't real, he couldn't stop listening to them.

"they never knew anything," chan whispered to himself. "i shed countless tears in this fucking room and they'll never know that. they'll never give me a chance."

"chan, don't mind them," woojin said, sitting at the edge of chan's bed. it was dark in his room. it's been days since he even opened the windows.

"i need a distraction..."

"well, maybe.. you can work part-time in that convenience near the boys' school?" woojin suggested. "to... surround yourself with happier things—"

"no one is happy, woojin!" chan exclaimed.

"chan?" a voice called from outside his bedroom door. "it's dinner time... i mean, i didn't cook but... yeah you get me."

he ignored jisung's voice, shutting it out completely. he wasn't always like this. he and jisung were on good terms, but sometimes the voices get too loud and the only visible option for chan was to block out everything even if that included jisung. he felt sorry for his friend, but it seemed like he had no choice.

"don't you dare open that door," chan said just as woojin started to stand.

"you talking to me?" woojin asked, shrugging. "you have to tell him if you don't want to talk, you know."

chan shook his head. "i don't know what to tell anyone anymore. no one believes me. no one thinks i cared. no one thinks i cried, woojin."

"channie," woojin said, sitting back down. "i know you did. but he's going to stay outside your door for god knows how long until you tell him."

chan sighed. "you tell him, please. i just want to lay in bed right now and fall asleep. i don't want dinner, i don't want to socialize. i want to sleep."

woojin sighed. he had never seen this side of chan. he was always hopeful, always full of ideas, always smiling. this chan wasn't smiling, he was lethargic, and most of all, he didn't sound hopeful at all.

he stood from chan's bed and took one of his pad papers. he scribbled something on it before tearing it off and making his way towards chan's bedroom door.

"what are you doing?" chan asked.

"i'm going to give this to him," woojin said, "i don't want to talk either." but the truth was, he couldn't tell jisung anything. he was incapable of doing such action. whenever he moved his lips to say something, no words seemed to come out.

slowly, he positioned the paper underneath the door and slipped it, sending the message to the other side of the door.

woojin knew he couldn't tell jisung what chan wanted. he couldn't even face jisung himself. instead, he wrote something that may help chan's situation.

**i feel really down lately, ji. i need some help. —chan**

**\- •3• -**

"i talked to one of my friends about this, don't worry."

"what if i suck at it?"

"you won't. you never suck at the things you do, trust me."

jisung had a hand on chan's shoulder as he reassured his older friend about the new part-time work he got him. it wasn't something chan had in mind, but at least he had something to focus on besides his college requirements and that one horrible thing that happened twenty-two days ago.

"hey, ji," chan said. "thanks for this. i guess after.. you know, i didn't realize that i needed something new to feel even just a bit better."

"no problem," jisung said. "well, good luck on your first day, okay? don't try to overthink. just do what's needed. i have to get back to school and work on some stuff."

"alright buddy, you take care, okay?"

the squirrel looking boy gave chan a smile and a thumbs up. "you too, big boy."

and chan's first day started. he stood behind the cashier, waiting for customers to arrive.

_"hey, ever imagined if one of us worked in a convenience store?" felix asked._

_the nine friends were walking home after another busy day in school. everyone had a conversation going on with someone, and felix turned to chan for an answer._

_"do you think we can get free food?" the freckled boy asked._

_chan pursed his lips. "nah, buddy. i don't think it works that way."_

_felix pouted. "oh. i thought we could get some free food if any of us worked at one. i guess not."_

_from somewhere behind the group, someone laughed, making the two australian boys turn their backs._

_"lix, you won't own the store if you worked there," hyunjin said. "though it may be fun to work at one sometime in the future."_

_"are you gonna do it?" seungmin asked, wrapping an arm around one of hyunjin's._

_the tall boy shook his head. "not responsible enough. but uh, channie! you're really good at responsibilities. maybe you could experience it for us."_

_and from afar, all that could be heard from the group of nine boys was laughter. it seemed like nothing can go wrong. it seemed like it was them against the world._

_"hey channie—"_

"excuse me!"

chan flinched, making him look at the person in front of him in shock. it was another memory playing in his head. he blinked a couple times before turning his attention to the customer.

"sorry, hi, is this all?" he asked politely.

the lady rolled her eyes at him. "kid, i've been standing here for five minutes! just hurry and pack up my stuff already."

chan immediately followed the lady's request. well, this is a bad first day, he thought. after packing up her stuff, she slammed down her money and stormed out of the store.

_relax_ , chan told himself. _there'll always be customers like this. it's totally fine. you're doing fine._

the day went by slowly, and chan couldn't think of anything else but felix. after all, he was the one who thought of the idea of working in a convenience store. he missed the guy, and he hasn't seen him ever since that incident.

chan was really fond of felix. he would always tell jokes, share the weirdest dance moves he learned from the internet, and he was always the target of the group's pranks all because of his jumpy nature.

"ah, yongbok, where are you," chan said to himself. 

despite the constant memories that tried to replay inside his head, chan went by the day slowly but surely as he waited for jisung to come by after school. he shared an apartment with the younger boy.

chan also admired how strong jisung was. after the incident, it seemed as if jisung wouldn't allow himself to be stagnant. he was always busy. he always had to do something. that was what he told chan a few days after the incident. 

_"i feel like if i don't do anything, i'm going to fall behind and if that happens, i'm going to feel empty. i can't have that."_

at around 7:30pm, just when chan was about to get ready to leave, he heard the bell that hung from the store's door go off. he looked up and saw jisung walking towards him at the counter. he looked even more tired, the bags were prominent under his eyes.

"ji, are you okay?" chan asked, walking towards the younger boy. he placed a hand on his neck. "bro, you're hot."

jisung let out a small laugh. "i know that."

"no, dumbo. i mean you have a fever," chan said, shaking his head. "come on, let's go home."

the two said their goodbyes to chan's replacement for the night and walked out of the convenience store.

"did he walk in there?" jisung asked, slightly leaning on chan's shoulder for support.

"did who?" chan asked.

"yongbok," jisung said. "he.. i saw him. he was dancing right outside the store."

chan let out a small laugh. "okay, buddy. you're really tired. we'll be home soon, don't worry."

"no but really," jisung said. "it looked like he wanted to talk to you. i was supposed to call him but then my shoelaces got untied," he laughed, "you weren't joking when you told us to double knot them.. anyway, when i looked up again, he wasn't there."

chan sighed. he wasn't sure what jisung was trying to tell him—if he actually _was_ trying to tell him something. part of him was convinced that this was just jisung's fever kicking in. after all, he was getting warmer and warmer by the minute.

but part of him wanted to believe felix was outside the store. 

was he?


	5. the kindness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which jeongin has become fond of minho because of something he'd been looking for.

**_5 — THE KINDNESS_ **

"sweetie, you haven't even touched your food," jeongin's mom said with a concerned tone. "five tablespoons and you can leave the dinner table."

jeongin looked down on his plate. it was full of nutritious things as always. his mom made sure that he and his younger brother were always healthy. she made sure that they never ate too much junk food, never ate too much candy. it wasn't like jeongin liked eating so much. he had his braces to blame.

but hidden inside the back pocket of his jeans was a little cylinder full of candies that were unusual for a boy his age to take. he made sure his mom wouldn't see it or else, all plans will be ruined.

_one tablespoon._

jeongin thought of all the possible things that could happen if he took them all tonight. worst case scenario, he wouldn't die and end up waking up in the hospital which would mean his mom wouldn't allow him to hang out with minho anymore. 

and for the past month, minho seemed to be the only one he could run to. it wasn't because he wasn't close to anyone else, but minho seemed to have this sort of kindness to him. the kindness that would allow him to die if he wanted to, and jeongin was _oh so_ drawn to that.

_two tablespoons._

school was becoming useless for him. he couldn't focus on any of his subjects, he couldn't even face hyunjin or any of his.. former friends without thinking about the incident. it seemed like his friends were living reminders that something in his life was broken and there was no means of fixing it.

_three tablespoons._

"mom, can i visit minho tonight?" jeongin asked, forcing a joyful tone in his voice. he let his hand travel to his back pocket to make sure his pills were still there.

"only if you finish all your food, sweetie," she answered, getting up. "look at your brother. he finished all his food."

jeongin faced his little brother who was drinking the rest of his orange juice. _will he even remember all the times we spent together if i left permanently?_ he thought.

jeongin agreed since it was the only way for him to get out of the house, out of the very place he spent his last birthday with him.

_"shh! he's coming!" hyunjin said as the eight of them hid behind either the couch, the wall, or the tv set._

_it was jeongin's birthday, and the eight boys have planned a little surprise party for their youngest friend. it wasn't much. there were a few balloons, a birthday cake, a few presents, jeongin's favorite ice cream, and a scared minho (mostly because of the balloons)._

_jeongin knocked on the front door, and waited for his mom to open it for him. after a while, he got impatient and held onto the doorknob to turn it. after finding out that the door was unlocked, he slowly pushed it open._

_the house was dark, and he called out to his mom as he took off his shoes. "mom? i'm home!"_

_"three... two... one!"_

_"HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEONGIN!" everyone screamed._

_the fox looking boy flinched as the lights were suddenly switched on, revealing all his friends, his parents, and his brother, wearing birthday hats and holding balloons._

_jeongin was taken aback. he wasn't expecting a surprise. a simple dinner with cake was all he wanted, and his friends gave him more than that._

_"jeonginie, come here and blow the candle!" woojin called, walking towards him._

_"make a wish, sweetie," his mom said as they all gathered around the living room where jeongin stood with his birthday cake in front of him._

_jeongin closed his eyes. he had only one wish._

_**i wish that all nine of us will never grow apart, that none of our happiness will fade away, and that none of us will ever leave.** _

_he blew out the candles, and a loud _~POP_ was heard as felix made use of a party popper._

_"hey jeonginie," chan said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "whatever your wish was, i'm sure it'll come true."_

jeongin blinked at the memory. he was now standing outside of their house, looking at the flowers that started to grow in their lawn. he also had a pillow under one of his arms as he expected to sleep at minho's apartment tonight.

then he let his eyes wander towards the house in front of theirs.

changbin.

he shook his head, he probably doesn't want to talk to anyone.

he started walking down his neighborhood, unsure of what time he might reach minho's apartment.

"hey jeonginie," a voice said from behind him. "it's late, you know."

"i'm going to minho's," he answered, without looking back. he knew whose voice it was. "i'll be okay."

"what are you going to do there? there's school tomorrow," woojin said, catching up on him.

jeongin shrugged. "hang out. it's okay, i have my extra uniform there with him."

woojin sighed. "you've been really fond of minho's presence lately, huh. didn't expect that, honestly."

jeongin stayed silent. he continued walking until he reached the end of his neighborhood and then waited for a taxi.

"hey, it's okay to reach out to the others if you want to, you know," woojin said. "i'm here too."

jeongin let out a small laugh. "i wish. well, a lot of things have changed."

"jeongin."

"what?"

"what's in your pocket?"

jeongin's hand immediately made its way to his back pocket as he turned around. "n-nothing. these are for minho. i forgot to give them back."

"yeah, what is it?"

"pain relievers."

woojin nodded. "why'd you need it?"

"i... fell off my bed a couple nights ago," jeongin lied. "my hip still hurts sometimes so i asked if minho could lend me some."

"did you go to a doctor?"

"i'm fine!" jeongin snapped. "just.. i'm doing okay, trust me."

"it's hard to believe that considering instead of sleeping in your own bed tonight, you're going to travel into the city to a friend's place at this hour."

"minho lives alone," jeongin reasoned. "i want to keep him company."

"whatever you say, bud."

a silence then consumed the two friends. when jeongin finally hailed a taxi, he looked behind him, and realized that he was now alone.

jeongin wanted to get away from all of this. he wanted to be peaceful again, he wanted to be happy again, and it was taking too long for him to be.


	6. the drift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which hyunjin has a memory kept in his bag full of things used to never have.

**_6 — THE DRIFT_ **

he put down the picture frame, and he let the stench of the alcohol, the smoke, and the filth linger in his room. he was finished convincing himself that nothing will ever be the same—not after what happened.

he wasn't sure how well anyone was coping. he wasn't sure how well _he_ was coping. everything happened all of a sudden, everyone was caught off guard, and he still couldn't process any of it.

time was passing by as he remained seated on his bedroom floor, continuously flicking his lighter. it was already dark out, and it was probably time for bed too. but something was keeping hyunjin up.

as he packed his bag, hyunjin took the picture frame and shoved it inside. he was going out tonight, and he wasn't alone.

 _"where are you?"_ the person at the other end of the line asked.

"i'll be on my way soon," hyunjin answered. "you know i won't bail on you, right?"

hyunjin continued to pack, and soon he was finished—a lighter, a box of cigarettes, a little tumbler that was filled with alcohol, and of course, the picture frame.

he tiptoed as he walked past his parents' bedroom. it was definitely bedtime. the clock in the living room read 11:23pm. but it was the perfect time. he was going out, he was going to do something different after a long while and he couldn't wait.

he tightened the grip on the doorknob as he tried to gently swing the front door open. when a certain amount of space was created, hyunjin flawlessly slipped outside and slowly closed the door behind him, not forgetting to lock it again.

he always had an extra key to the house anyway. his parents were busy people and they would sometimes come home late, which meant hyunjin had to wait on the frontsteps for hours.

one unfortunate day after dance practice, he felt a fever rising up but his parents weren't home yet so he stayed on the frontsteps until midnight. he stayed sick for a week because of it. ever since then, his parents provided him with spare keys.

_you can't just bring anyone here, okay?_

_and no sneaking out, please._

at first, hyunjin listened to the orders religiously. the keys were strictly for him to get inside the house before dark. that was it. but after a while, he thought that maybe it wouldn't hurt to bring close friends home.

besides, it was just his eight other friends. he trusted them so much, he loved being with them. but a certain point in their lives came and they seemed to grow apart. the three older ones have gone to uni, and the six of them were left in high school.

hyunjin hated being apart from them. but it seemed like they didn't mind that their friendship was getting weaker and weaker.

soon, only seungmin would go to hyunjin's house. he was very fond of him. he liked seungmin. he was a great singer, a great photographer, a great listener, and hyunjin started to feel something special for him.

and although they all still made time to hang out at their hideout every tuesdays, wednesdays, and fridays, something felt off. hyunjin knew something was wrong, but none of them would speak up.

until one day, one of them snapped. and none of them was the same ever since.

and hanging out with any of them became less and less which made hyunjin turn to something he used to call _undesirable._

hyunjin quietly made his way to the location that was given to him. he lit another cigarette and inhaled. he felt relaxed. he was feeling really good about it, despite knowing the risks.

finally, he reached the place and squinted as he tried to make out a moving figure in the dark.

then, he smiled. 

he was finally going to see him again.


	7. the delinquent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which seungmin blames himself for what happened, and hyunjin tries the wrong approach to convince him otherwise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **i lowkey hate this chapter bc i suck at writing scenes that require some sort of higher authority but whatEVER i'll learn**

**_7 — THE DELINQUENT_ **

the night was quiet. it felt peaceful, finally. the sound of the late night travelers echoed as it bounced on the walls of the buildings he passed by. he had been waiting for an opportunity like this ever since...

he slowly made his way into one of the alleys downtown, a can of spray paint in his hand, and a backpack slung over his shoulders. he didn't know what he wanted to do, but the thought of destroying something sounded like a great idea in his head.

it was.. displacement.

he couldn't let it out on anyone—not his parents, not his teachers, especially not his friends.

"where are you?" seungmin said into his phone.

_"i'll be on my way soon. you know i won't bail on you, right?"_

seungmin sighed. "yeah, i know. i was just making sure i won't be alone tonight."

the person chuckled. _"i won't leave you alone, minnie. you know that."_

"mhm, just hurry up. i might end up starting without you."

after a while of waiting in the dark alley, seungmin finally saw a figure at one of the ends. along with the figure was a trail of smoke. he wasn't fond of hyunjin's new smoking habit, but he loved him too much to complain. besides, if hyunjin tolerated his ways of displacement, he should do the same.

"hi," hyunjin huffed.

the two haven't really talked to each other properly after the incident. it was like a silent agreement between all nine of them. everyone went about their ways, and none of them were sure how they were going to get back together.

but the two boys have always shared a special liking for each other, and it wasn't long before the incident that hyunjin finally asked seungmin about his feelings. however, after the incident, seungmin started to blame himself for it.

_maybe if i paid more attention to what was happening rather than my own feelings._

_maybe if i gave importance to the side effects of the situation rather than trying to get hyunjin's attention?_

_this is all my fault. of all people, i should've known better._

and the more seungmin blamed himself, the more hyunjin became angry... but not at him.

"i missed you," was the first thing that came out of seungmin's mouth.

"me too," hyunjin said, running his free hand through his black hair. "school's been awkward for us."

seungmin nodded. "it sucks not to see everyone together."

hyunjin stiffened. he hated talking about what happened. he hated being reminded about the very thing that has made seungmin blame himself. he didn't deserve that. none of them did.

"so, where shall we start?" hyunjin asked. "and what colors did you bring?"

seungmin picked up his backpack and rummaged through its contents. "i have red, gray, yellow, blue, violet, and black spray paint."

"which color are you using?"

"i like the red one. it's.. loud," seungmin said. "what about you, jinnie?"

the older boy pursed his lips. "i'll go with the gray one."

seungmin pulled out the gray spray paint and handed it to hyunjin. the two of them faced the large wall at the side of one of the buildings. there were already some graffiti art that were made on the lower part and some in the middle, and tonight, they were going to make an addition to it.

the two started their work, occasionally stepping back to prevent themselves from inhaling the fumes. and after almost an hour of using the different colored spray paints seungmin had, they were finished.

hyunjin felt satisfied. his heart was beating rapidly in his chest for the first time in a while. he wasn't sure if it was because of seungmin's presence or the fact that he was finally doing something different ever since the incident. he turned to seungmin.

"hey, what'd you—"

hyunjin was cut off when he saw seungmin's wall art. a huge **_"9 or none"_** was painted on the wall along with other designs along the words.

seungmin looked at his friend, a small smile plastered on his face. "just this once i... i wanted to remember what it felt like. i wanted to experience the hype, the happiness that we all once felt."

hyunjin stepped closer, and intertwined his stained hand with seungmin's. "i hate this feeling too, okay? but... i hate it more when you blame yourself for what happened."

seungmin avoided hyunjin's gaze. "it might be—"

"no it's not!" hyunjin exclaimed, stepping back. his hand lets go of seungmin's. "and i'm not going to stop until you finally accept that none of it was your fault, okay? none of us knew it was going to happen. none of us wanted it to happen. none of us saw it coming—"

"that's exactly the problem, hyunjin!" seungmin exclaimed back. "no one saw it coming. no one saw the side effects! we should've noticed the change! we should've _asked._ but what did we do? we focused on ourselves, jinnie. we were both so caught up with our feelings that we forgot to check up on the others."

"why does it have to be _us,_ seungmin?" hyunjin asked, running a hand through his hair. "we were just getting started. it had nothing to do with us. why didn't the _others_ notice it, then? are you implying that i was a distraction to you?"

"no! hyunjin, that's not what i'm saying—"

soon enough, the two arguing friends were interrupted by a police car pulling up at the end of the alley.

"fuck—"

"seungmin, run!" hyunjin yelled as he picked up the cans of spray paint.

"i'm not leaving you!"

"just go!"

but it was too late. the two were busy arguing that the policemen were already right behind hyunjin, pulling him up, preventing him from fully packing up the cans of spray paint. 

"kid, you know that's against the law!" the police told hyunjin. "come with us!"

hyunjin tried to fight back, trying to grab his backpack, which resulted to him getting handcuffed. seungmin stayed silent and obeyed as they were both being escorted by the police into the cars.

_shit,_ seungmin thought. _none of our parents are going to be happy about this._

unconsciously, seungmin started to think that maybe inviting hyunjin out tonight was a bad idea. he already got away with his works a couple times, and it was the first and (hopefully) the last time he wanted to get caught.

he thought that maybe jeongin's decision to isolate himself from any of his friends was the best idea for all of them at the moment, even if that meant not talking to hyunjin again in the near future.


	8. the distraction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which jisung can't be bothered, and chan saves hyunjin from being scolded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **okeh but i like this chapter a lot, kinda. it was great writing it.**
> 
> **anyway, this will be the last update for 2019! i'll allow myself more time to write the future chapters so i won't get stressed over publishing unedited chapters lmao**

**_8 — THE DISTRACTION_ **

_25 tracks in three weeks.  
~ show these to chan or changbin when things are a bit better.  
~ ask chan to proofread.  
~ ask changbin to add lyrics to track 7, track 8, track 9, track 19, and track 22.  
~ keep working!!_

he sighed. he couldn't believe so many things could change after one incident. he couldn't believe that a whole group of friends could somehow drift apart after something that wasn't any of their faults.

jisung decided that instead of blaming himself or others, he needed to be productive. he wasn't supposed to stop working. he couldn't let himself do that.

if that happened, he might fall back into the rabbit hole of anger, sadness, and guilt. he has seen enough of that in his friends. however, his productivity had its limits.

he sat at his desk as he rummaged through his unfinished schoolwork. there was math, science, and history to do. he _hated_ history. he turned his head towards the pile of papers he'd been paying more attention to for the past month. he was sure none of the teachers was going to be happy if he didn't turn in any of his paperwork. and they were definitely not going to be happy if they found out that he'd spent his time writing songs instead.

"ah, i hate this so much," he whined, standing up. he ran a hand through his messy hair. "what do i start with? math? no. science? no. history!? _absolutely_ not."

he sat on his bed and remembered chan telling him that he didn't see felix that first day at the convenience store, but he was sure it was felix. he knew what he saw. the problem was, he wasn't sure how he'd be able to contact the freckled boy.

out of everyone else, it seemed like felix was the fastest to disappear. he wasn't answering any of the boys' messages or calls, he was inactive in their group chat. he was worried about felix's disappearance, but jisung continuously reminded himself that felix wasn't one to shut everyone out. he was the moodmaker of the group.

then again, it was scarier that he was the first to disappear after the incident.

after a few more minutes of laying in bed, doing nothing, jisung's phone started ringing at the bedside table. he scooted towards the edge and looked at the caller ID.

**cb97 hyung**

"i'm literally just in the other roo—"

 _"stay put. i have to go somewhere,"_ chan said. jisung then heard the front door open.

"chan, wait! where are you going? i'm coming with you!" jisung exclaimed, getting up from his bed. he made his way to his bedroom door.

_"jisung, i swear! stay in your room. i'll be home later or if not, in the morning."_

"wha—chan!"

but the line was already dead. jisung immediately made his way out of his room and looked through the apartment. nothing seemed wrong. the trash from he and chan's recent movie night was still in the living room, the kitchen was clean. 

he made his way to chan's room but immediately became disappointed upon finding out it was locked.

 _of course,_ he thought. _he never leaves his room unlocked._

he started to worry about his older friend. was it his shift tonight? he didn't remember chan being given a midnight shift because of school. was he out to buy ramen again at this hour? probably.

he pulled out his phone and texted.

**jisung**  
_are you going to buy ramen again? buy me ice cream!_

**chan**  
_don't worry about me. it's got nothing to do with me. i just need to check up on something. and no, i'm not buying ramen._

**jisung**  
_are you kidding me? at past 12am?? chan tell me what's wrong!!_

**chan**  
_jisung i'm gonna whack you if you keep bugging me._

jisung decided to leave chan alone. maybe it was family stuff. but chan never sounded that much in a hurry before, besides that one time seungmin got in the glee club back when their three older friends were still in the same school. the only difference was, that was an excited hurry. this wasn't.

jisung sat on the couch, letting his legs lazily sprawl on the floor. whatever chan was going to do tonight, he prayed his friend would be safe.

**-•3•-**

meanwhile, chan silently prayed that nothing was wrong with hyunjin. the moment he was called by the police, he felt his heart beat so hard he was afraid it might fall out of his chest.

he was slightly relieved, however, because even though hyunjin lied to the police about his parents being out of town, the younger boy chose to call him as a guardian.

he got to the police station where hyunjin was in, and immediately went to the front desk. before he was able to ask the policeman behind it, he heard a familiar voice call his name.

"channie!" hyunjin's voice called.

chan turned his back and saw the younger boy in the holding cell. but he wasn't alone, he was with seungmin.

the sight of his two friends together made chan crack a small smile. _well, at least they're still hanging out,_ he thought. he was relieved that at least some of them were still talking. he walked towards the holding cell and sighed, putting a hand on his hip.

"hey, what the hell did you two _do?_ " chan asked, seriousness evident in his tone.

hyunjin shrugged. "fun stuff."

seungmin shook his head, looking at the ground.

"no, really or i'm leaving you here," chan told hyunjin.

"we made art, hyung," hyunjin said, standing from his seat and walked over to the older boy. "we were releasing our pain." the older boy sensed the sarcasm in hyunjin's tone.

chan squinted. "you smell like cigarettes, you little shit."

hyunjin laughed. "hyung, i had _one_ stick today."

"whatever, hotshot." chan turned to seungmin, gesturing for the boy to come closer. "hey, i haven't seen you in a while."

seungmin slowly looked up at chan and gave a small shrug. "shutting everyone out would've been a better choice, after all," he said. "but i miss you too, hyung."

chan put a hand on his shoulder. "who's picking you up?"

"my mom," seungmin sighed. "i'm going to be grounded, i'm sure. or maybe even worse. but it's fine, it isn't like i plan on seeing anyone soon again."

"hey, you don't mean that, do you?" hyunjin asked. chan noticed the latter's hand travel to hold seungmin's.

"maybe i do," seungmin answered. "i think jeongin was right to shut everyone out."

"jeongin?" the mention of the boy's name made chan's heart jump. but he wasn't thrilled to hear jeongin's name and _shut out_ in one sentence.

"yeah. he always listened to me," seungmin continued. "i think it's time i listened to him."

soon, seungmin's mom arrived with a cross look on her face and he immediately lets go of hyunjin's hand. when everything has been settled, seungmin started to walk away with his mom, waving a small goodbye at both chan and hyunjin.

the two boys started walking away from the station in silence.

"he's really mad at me," hyunjin said.

"seungmin?"

he nodded. "he's been doing this for a while now—the vandalism. he's never been caught. tonight was his first time, and it _had_ to be with me."

chan sighed. "i guess it's about time that activity ended."

"i can't believe he's mad at me now when all i wanted to do was take away his anger towards himself. and well, maybe i did but it all transferred to me."

"you really like him," chan stated. "i could see the way you look at him and the way he looks at you. i'm glad you two are talking."

hyunjin kicked a small rock. "we just started talking again, actually, ever since the incident. none of us really see each other anymore."

chan put his hands in the pocket of his jacket. "it's been hard for all of us," he admitted. "it's like.. our world was turned upside down, or like we're experiencing a levanter."

"a le-what?"

"a levanter," chan said. "it's a strong wind? in the mediterranean sea? sorry, i've been reading too much, i guess. but it's like this strong wind is challenging all of us. it wants to see how strong we all are."

"but what if someone gives up?"

"then we pull them back in."

"why couldn't we do it to—" hyunjin cut himself off, knowing that if he brought up the topic, he would end up getting angry again. he didn't want to act that way in front of chan, not after receiving help from the guy.

the two friends made a stop at a convenience store. chan picked up a cup of ramen and an ice cream tub for jisung since he knew the boy wanted one based from his earlier text.

as they paid for the items, hyunjin looked at the rows of cigarettes behind the counter. he couldn't take his eyes off any of it. it wasn't like he was going to ask chan to buy cigarettes for him. he had minho to do that.

he wasn't sure if minho was just acting nice because of what happened or if minho was actually okay with hyunjin smoking. nonetheless, the boy provided hyunjin with the cigarettes he wanted.

"hyung," hyunjin said as they walked out of the store. "i don't want you to feel like you're not important to me because you are—"

"what is this?"

there was a short pause before the younger one spoke. "uh.. back at the station, when i had them call you up instead of my parents?" hyunjin licked his lips, "before that, i tried to contact minho."

"minho?"

"yeah... he buys my cigarettes, right? that's mostly our only connection right now, and i thought i'd be able to ask him to pick me up…"

chan nodded, he hasn't heard of minho in a while as well. all he knew was that he continued to attend school because if he didn't, his mom might castrate him alive. "why didn't he?"

hyunjin pursed his lips. "he wasn't answering my calls or texts.. i mean, he's probably busy but he'd usually text me to not bother him if he was."

"are you worried?"

"kind of?" hyunjin said. they were now entering hyunjin's neighborhood. it was quiet, and the only sound they could hear was faint barking from a dog or two. "i mean, with what's happening to all of us now, who knows what goes on behind closed doors?"

two walked up to hyunjin's front steps. chan sighed. "and jeonginie?"

hyunjin shook his head. "i've seen him once, and trust me. he didn't look the same."

"alright. better rest up, kiddo." he ruffled hyunjin's hair. "i guess i'll see you some other time."

hyunjin grinned. "i hope we do. thanks for getting me out of there, hyung."

"no problem, jinnie. stay out of trouble next time."

"oh, hyung?" hyunjin said. he started to fish for something inside his backpack. he grabbed the picture frame and handed it to chan. "keep it. i can't bear to look at it anymore, but i also can't break it."

chan watched as hyunjin unlocked the front door and slipped back inside flawlessly. as he started walking away from hyunjin's house, he looked at the picture frame he was handed.

chan felt his heart sink.

_i can't bear to look at it anymore._

it was the last picture they had of them complete.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **so that's it! thank you for reaching this far. i hope 2020 will be (and for future readers, is) great for you! more chapters in 2020!**


	9. the attempt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which minho thought he could escape, and changbin finally sees the youngest friend again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **trigger warning: references to suicide**

**_9 — THE ATTEMPT_ **

"minho come on, get out of there."

"leave me alone!" minho yelled.

he lay still in the bathtub overflowing with water. his jeans, shirt, and sneakers were soaked, but minho didn't care. the faucet continued to fill the bathtub, and empty pill bottles floated in front of him.

"minho, please."

he closed his eyes and let himself sink into the water. at that moment, he heard nothing but the water flowing around him. he wanted to stay there, so no one else could hear him cry and scream. it was getting too comfortable as the air in his lungs started to run out. it felt like forever, him staying there, and he was close to giving in.

 _just a little bit more_ , minho thought.

bits of memories started to replay in his mind, from the days in the practice room with hyunjin and felix to that one night. hyunjin's performance night where everything went wrong. that. last. night. it then started to hurt—his chest and his brain. he was close to reaching the finish line but at the last moment, minho rose out of the water, gasping for air.

he wiped the tears that continuously ran down his face. he lashed out, causing more water to flood the bathroom floor.

"minho, please! fuck—"

"just leave," minho whispered, though he was sure he could only hear himself.

he continued to catch his breath as he turned the faucet off. the silence filled the room, only the splashing of water filled his ears. he felt immense pain. in his heart, in his mind, and on his arm.

"fuck," he said, as he watched the blood drip into the tub. he cursed at the rack hanging above it. he didn't even notice getting snagged when he lashed out a couple moments ago.

soft knocking came from the door again, and minho finally decided to stand. he walked towards the door, and clicked it open. slowly, the doorknob turned and standing outside was changbin.

"oh my god, minho," he exhaled. "let me help you with your arm."

changbin grabbed minho's wrist and pulled him towards the latter's bed.

minho was confused. it wasn't changbin who was behind the door, he was sure of it. but his friend was already running around the room searching for his first aid kit. after entering uni, minho always had one. it was a requirement for the nursing program.

the blood continued to drip down his arm and onto the floor as he sat down on it. he stared at the peach colored tiles and soon, changbin was seated next to him aiding his arm.

minho was close, so close to giving in, yet he didn't. "i'm such a coward," he said, running his free hand through his wet hair. "binnie, i could've done it. i was so close to giving in. i should have done it so i could be with—"

"no, stop it, minho," changbin said. "i don't like hearing that."

soon, he was finished patching up minho's arm. "i'll grab you new clothes to change in." changbin then walked over to minho's wardrobe to get his clothes. but one thing didn't leave his mind.

minho was getting thinner and thinner by the day. he had stopped eating properly for a month now, and he was slowly failing his classes.

minho started to undress in front of his mirror. he looked down and was suddenly disturbed at the sight of his ribs, his stomach, and his legs. his skin was getting paler than before. _i'm not me…_ he thought. _this is not me._

"here," changbin said, handing him a pair of boxers and a shirt. "i'll wait outside."

changbin walked out of minho's room and waited on the couch while looking through the old pictures that were displayed on the table. one was of chan and jeongin in the school's playground, another was of felix, jisung and seungmin smiling widely at the camera in their school uniforms, another was of him, minho, hyunjin, and woojin in a jumpshot.

he felt his heart become heavy at the sight of the memories displayed in front of his eyes. what was minho doing all along? was he reminiscing before he jumped into the tub and tried to drown himself? was he saying his last goodbye?

 _no_ , changbin thought. _that can't happen. this can't happen to us again. i won't let it._

he heard minho's bedroom door open and soon, the latter came out as he dried his hair with a towel. changbin was starting to worry a lot about minho. first, it was hyunjin. now it's minho.

"you're scaring me," changbin said as minho sat across from him.

"i'm scaring myself too," minho admitted.

changbin glanced at minho's wall calendar again. still, no days have been crossed out.

"minho, you can't fail your classes," the younger boy said as he piled up the photos.

"i won't," minho said. "i catch up quite easily, you know that."

"yeah but your absences aren't going to save your grades," changbin said, rolling his eyes. "come on, i'll go with you tomorrow."

minho chuckled. "nah, i think i can take myself to school."

it was changbin's turn to laugh. "yeah the way to school for you is at the bridge."

"hey, it's fun there," minho shrugged. "the cars are noisy, the wind is strong, and i feel so carefree when i walk on it."

"yeah, until some hobo pushes you off the railing," changbin said, getting up from his seat to sit next to minho. he sighed. "i knew something was wrong."

minho scoffed and playfully punched his friend's muscular arm. "yeah, okay mr. _i-know-something-is-wrong_ … thanks for saving me today."

"i can't have you doing that all the time, minho," changbin scolded. "i'm going to really punch you."

"do it then, pizza boy," minho said, sizing changbin up.

"wha—hey!" changbin exclaimed, getting up.

the two boys stood in front of each other and playfully started pushing each other. minho, being taller than changbin, pushed a finger onto the latter's forehead, causing the boy the fall back into the couch. minho burst into laughter.

"see? you can't even take me!" minho laughed.

"oho, you really think i can't huh?" changbin said, raising his voice. he grabbed minho's unharmed arm and twisted it.

"ow! get off me you little shit!" minho exclaimed. "nothing'll change the fact that I'M TALLER!"

the two boys started to tease each other more to the point where none of them noticed the front door open. as changbin was about push minho's head into the couch below him, they heard the voice.

"changbinnie?" 

the two froze and turned their heads toward the door. changbin immediately let go of minho's head as both relief and fear creeped into his nerves.

_the jeongin you'll see in the near future isn't the jeongin you used to know._

"jeongin?"


	10. the meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which some of them meet, and changbin decides to tell them what's been going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **at this point , i decided that cameos from other jype artists wouldn't hurt. also, i am NOT shipping anyone with each other, they're just extra characters so don't you dare attack me yay**

**_10 — THE MEETING_ **

with his head held low, he walked down the hallway slowly. he didn't want to catch the attention of anyone. he wanted to get through today without any distractions.

but that was hard as he continuously felt the piercing stares of the other students as he passed them by.

_do you think he's okay?_

_his friends are probably worried about him._

_he changed a lot._

_i heard that sometimes, he doesn't even go home anymore._

jeongin took a deep breath as he reached his locker, opening it. when will they stop staring and talking about him or seungmin or hyunjin or jisung or changbin? when will they all stop referring to them as that group that lost a friend? when will they leave them alone?

they were selfish, that's what jeongin thought.

"hey, jeongin," he heard a voice come from behind his locker door. taking off his earphones, he closed it and checked whose voice it was. shin ryujin, one of his classmates, was standing behind it. she had two books pressed against her chest, and jeongin sensed fear in her eyes. _are they scared of me?_ jeongin asked himself.

"what?" he asked, bluntly.

"uh.. homeroom teacher wanted me to give you this," she said, handing him a piece of paper.

jeongin just looked at it. "what is it?"

"it's.. a warning note?" she reluctantly said. "you haven't been to school in a week. and he said to give it to your parents, he needs to talk to them."

jeongin snatched the paper from ryujin's hand. she gave him a small wave before retreating to her group of friends. 

he stared at the paper and cursed at himself. _fuck,_ he thought. _my mom can't know about this._

he continued to grab things from his locker when he felt someone staring at him. it was a different kind of stare, the one where you can feel that the person was trying to get your attention. he crumpled the note ryujin gave him and looked over to his right, closing the locker door.

he saw a very familiar face staring back at him. seungmin gave him a certain look, and for a second, everything came rushing back to jeongin—the days in the playground, the days in the hideout, the rehearsals in the glee club with him and woojin.

he shook his head, and walked the opposite direction, away from seungmin. he couldn't face him. seungmin was always the friend he used to run to, but after the incident, after he started hanging out with minho, he felt as if he wronged his friend. he felt as if he left seungmin hanging.

**-•3•-**

"thirteen mississippi… fourteen mississippi…"

"ah come on! you're saying it too slowly!" changbin exclaimed.

hyunjin stood up from the bench. "no, _you're_ doing it slowly!"

the two were at their usual hideout again, and changbin had wanted to release some stress after school. the only person he could ask without hesitation was hyunjin, and the boy was not thrilled with the idea of changbin doing push ups right in front of him.

"forget it," changbin said, getting up from the ground. "ten push ups were enough anyway."

hyunjin smirked. "or you just can't do twenty."

"are you questioning my arm strength, squirt!?" changbin exclaimed, making his way to hyunjin.

the younger boy laughed, shielding himself from the raging changbin. "who you calling squirt? you're the squirt!"

the place was then filled with laughter. the sun was going down, and soon it'd be time to go home again. part of changbin didn't want hyunjin to go home. he wanted to spend more time with him. it seemed like whenever hyunjin got distracted, he turns back into his old self—the snarky and talkative boy who loved nothing but dance and be extra. changbin wanted to spend more time with that hyunjin, not the angry, smoking version of the boy.

changbin shook his head, sitting back down on the bench. "you and minho are the same. you both love making fun of me a lot."

"you met up with minho?" hyunjin asked, confused. "he wasn't answering any of my calls or messages these past few days."

"yeah because all you want from him are cigarettes," changbin rolled his eyes.

"hey, shut up, that's not true," hyunjin defended. "is he okay?"

changbin shrugged.

_"none of this comes out," minho said, a finger pointed to changbin's chest. "i don't want anyone finding out i'm a weak piece of shit all along."_

"seems like you're right about jeongin," he said instead.

"what do you mean?"

"he isn't the same jeongin anymore," changbin sighed. "i sensed the distance he was trying to make. the way he acts, it isn't as carefree as it was before what happened. i feel so disappointed with myself.

hyunjin rested his elbow on the bench's back. "aren't we all disappointed with ourselves."

changbin didn't respond. there it was again, the new hyunjin that he didn't like talking to. he was close to being convinced that today was going to be normal. school was alright despite the extra schoolwork he had to do for not showing up for a couple days, and he was hanging out with hyunjin. for a couple hours, it seemed like everything was back to normal.

but that wasn't true. so of course he'd be hit by that realization soon enough.

then, the two friends' silence was interrupted by a new set of voices that came from the field. they both turned their heads to find out whose voices they were.

hyunjin sighed. "seungmin."

"and woojin," changbin added.

the two looked at each other. "do we.. stay here?"

changbin's eyebrows met. "what are you talking about? of course we stay here."

the voices became louder and completely audible. changbin and hyunjin stayed still.

"it's just… i know i shouldn't be angry but i can't help it," seungmin said. "it's like my blood continues to boil even though the fire's been out for a while."

"maybe because you're thinking about it too much," woojin said. "nothing happened much, right? you're okay, he is too. but maybe meeting at that point wasn't the best—"

"shh!" seungmin cut him off, putting a hand on woojin's shoulder. he already spotted hyunjin's black hair, and as soon as he walked over to clearly see the two people, he catches changbin's attention.

seungmin squinted his eyes. "how long have you two been here?"

"about an hour," changbin answered with ease. "hi, minnie."

"hi, hyung," seungmin said, looking over to hyunjin who couldn't meet his gaze.

"woojin," changbin said, standing up. he made his way to the older boy. "i guess this is supposed to mean something?"

woojin smiled, and pushed past changbin. "would you look at that, four of us are here. we only need five more to make us complete."

"four," hyunjin muttered, rolling his eyes. "are you purposely trying to drive me away from this place? because everytime i'm here you always show up which makes me want to leave."

"hyunjin, you were the one who said that this place didn't make sense to you anymore," woojin reminded him. "and yet you're right here."

"that's just because—"

"i know you still care, jinnie. trust me, i do."

"seungmin, let's go home," hyunjin said, standing up.

"hey, you're at it again," changbin groaned, putting a hand on hyunjin's shoulder. he tried to push him back on the bench.

hyunjin started pulling on the ends of his hair, a habit seungmin knew that meant he was getting stressed out. he walked over to hyunjin and slowly stopped him from his actions.

"jinnie, please," he said.

"fine," hyunjin exhaled, sitting back down. he propped his foot up and crossed his arms. "i'm staying here even though it'll be a waste of time."

"i'd be cautious of jeongin and minho if i were you," changbin said after a couple moments of silence. "if you see any of them, anywhere, just.. ask how they are. they need it."

 _he's really doing well with his 'shutting people out' thing, though,_ seungmin thought. "how do you know that?" he asked.

changbin sighed. _minho is going to kill me for real for this._

"minho tried to kill himself again three days ago."


	11. the keys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which chan is desperate to find his australian friend, and his dad tells him what to do.

**_11 — THE KEYS_ **

chan was confused as to why today was sort of… normal. he wasn't with jisung nor changbin. he was at his family's house paying a visit for the first time after the incident.

as he looked out of his former bedroom window, he noticed the line of photos he made by its frame. they were untouched ever since he graduated high school. at the end of the line, the photo was of him and woojin on their graduation day.

chan smiled, unclipping the photo from the string. "what's up, bud. i haven't seen you in a while. have you seen felix, though? boy's been missing for a while. i miss that kid."

"trust me, he's nearby," a voice said, coming from chan's door.

"hah, how'd you get in here?" chan asked, pumping fists with woojin.

woojin shrugged. "pretty close to your family, remember?"

chan nodded. "right, remember that time you sang for my mom's birthday? she loved that so much."

"well, i'm glad she was happy," woojin said, snatching the photo in chan's hand. "you look much better, though."

chan wasn't sure about what to say. has he been better? "i'm getting through," said the brown-haired boy. "hyunjin looks okay, seungmin does too. and jisung?" he laughed. "boy's been burying himself in work ever since. but i'm not sure about the others."

woojin shook his head, sitting on chan's bed. "hyunjin isn't okay. he's still really mad. he just doesn't show it to others."

"he's going to get through," chan said, mostly reassuring himself. "he has seungmin, and i'm sure seungmin won't leave him alone."

a smile appeared on woojin's lips. "i knew they liked each other. they were always so careful for each other. i'm not sure when it started, but it's like they had this silent agreement to take care of one another."

"you think they're good for each other, though?" chan asked.

"hyunjin can get a bit too strong for seungmin's liking," woojin said. "plus, seungmin doesn't like his new smoking habit. but there's another side to hyunjin. you know that."

chan nodded. "yeah, i miss that hyunjin."

"felix is doing fine," woojin said, reassuring chan. "trust me, he's nearby. you just have to look closely."

chan turned to woojin, and for a split second, he thought he saw felix in woojin's eyes. he blinked, turning away. he walked towards his window.

"ah, yongbok. stop hiding from us, buddy. we're right here."

**-•3•-**

"thanks, dad," chan said as he followed him out of the house. he twirled the car keys in his hand.

"anything for you, chan," his dad said, putting a hand on his son's shoulder. "that part-time work, though? you sure about that?"

he nodded. "yeah, jisung helped me with it. i really needed something to do besides school. you know, after what happened."

chan's dad sighed. "i admire how strong you are, chan. your friends need you, and i'm glad you're like this."

chan let out a small laugh. "that's why i look up to you, remember? i got it from you. now, i have figure how i could get everyone together again."

"you're not?"

he shook his head. "after what happened, it seemed like we all drifted apart. it's like all their open doors are now sealed shut—locked."

chan's dad let out a small smile. "i guess you have to find the keys to them, then."

he gave his son a certain look, which chan immediately understood. everyone in the group looked up to him, they all trusted his gut, chan knew that. and at that moment, he realized that he wasn't going to let anything else happen to any of them.

_i already failed them once,_ he thought. _i can't let it all happen again._

he said his goodbye to his family and drove away from the neighborhood. chan didn't expect his dad to lend him the pickup for a while, but he was told that maybe it'll make him feel even just a bit better.

_take your friends somewhere,_ his dad said. _drive far, remind them that there's nothing wrong with living again._

chan sighed as he continued driving into the city. it was already midafternoon and he had a shift today, so he decided to drive there instead of going back to the apartment first.

after parking the car, he made his way into the convenience store.

"hey, bang chan," said yugyeom. "you came in early today."

chan shrugged, putting his backpack on top of the counter. "wanna go? i can cover for you."

the taller boy gave chan a certain look. "this doesn't sound like you at all."

"well, after every fall, we gotta get back up," chan said, leaning on the counter.

_you can't save your friends._

_they'll be gone before you know it._

chan closed his eyes, immediately moving away from the counter. he walked towards the bathroom at the back of the store, both hands pressed against his ears. he could hear yugyeom calling after him but it wasn't loud enough. there they were again, the voices.

he locked the door behind him and looked at himself in the mirror. _no, stop this,_ he thought. _that's not you, chan._

_"hey."_ he heard yugyeom's knocking behind the door. _"chan, you alright in there?"_

"uh.. yeah! totally fine, just.. had a lot to drink last night," he lied.

_"oh,"_ yugyeom laughed. _"and you wanted to cover for me today? i don't think so."_

he washed his face to freshen up. opening the door, he patted yugyeom's shoulder. "i'm fine."

he grabbed his bag from the counter and went back to the bathroom to change his clothes.

_i guess you have to find the keys to them, then._

chan sighed. how was he going to find the keys to the boys' locked doors? what if they kept it safely hidden? will he be able to bring them all back together?

_think, chan. think._

he patted himself down as he made his way out again from the bathroom. he saw yugyeom at the counter again, punching in someone's items. if he was going to start looking for the keys, he decided that he was going to need some help— even if that meant asking for help from someone whose key he still had to find.

and that someone was standing in front of the counter, waiting for his items to be packed.

seo changbin.


	12. clé 1: changbin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which chan has a newfound goal, and changbin helps him with it.
> 
> **PART II — a new quest has arrived in the hands of christopher bang.  
>  with the help of j.one and spearb,  
> they have to find the other keys.  
> and once the keys are finally complete,  
> maybe they'll accept  
> that they have to set him free.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **gonna be honest, i'm pretty damn proud of this chapter haha**

**_12 — CLÉ 1: CHANGBIN_ **

it was a perfect time to sneak a bowl of ramen into his room. the air was getting cooler, the night came by a bit quicker, and despite having extra schoolwork to do, changbin thought that maybe a normal day sounded good. he didn't want to bother minho or hyunjin today despite being worried about them. he didn't want to hover over them like a mom. changbin trusted the two.

the only problem was, he _had_ no ramen bowls left in the pantry so he decided to go out to buy some. 

he also noticed the weird but relieving change that was happening. seeing his friends again somehow started to convince him that everything was going to be okay... again.

changbin wanted them to be all okay again. he was especially scared for minho and jeongin. they were an unusual pair, and he knew that something was up.

and he was right.

another person he was worried about was felix. none of them have seen felix ever since the incident, not even chan or jisung. he wasn't answering calls, messages, and whenever hyunjin went to his house to check up on him, felix's mom always told him that he was out.

 _we'll find you, felix_ , changbin thought.

he entered the convenience store and walked around, looking for stuff to buy. he picked up a can of _milkis_ , his favorite drink, two cups of ramen, and a pack of gum for hyunjin. he thought of telling the boy to chew gum instead of smoking whenever he felt like doing it, just to trick his mouth.

he made his way to the counter where a tall dude with black hair stood, twirling some car keys in his hand.

"hey," the guy greeted him with a smile. "since you're my last customer, here's a lollipop." he handed changbin one of the lollipops on display.

"but i don't—"

"it's on me," the cashier said. "sorry, i'm in a good mood. my workmate allowed me to go early today, saying he'll cover the rest of my shift."

changbin nodded. "thanks," he said, putting the lollipop in his back pocket. "your workmate must be in a good mood as well."

as the guy packed changbin's items, he smiled at himself, remembering that conversation they had with felix one afternoon.

 _"i thought we could get some free food if any of us worked at one. i guess not,"_ the freckled boy had said.

_i hope i see you soon, lix. i'll give this lollipop to you._

"here you go," the guy said, handing changbin the plastic bag. " _aaaand_ i'm off because my savior is here."

changbin turned to his right, where the cashier was walking to. and he suddenly felt his heartbeat quicken. was this another sign that today wasn't going to be normal as he expected it to be? was this a sign that he was _never_ going to have normal days ever again? or was it a sign that maybe it's time to face the horrors of their past?

after all, he _wanted_ them to be okay again.

changbin smiled, making a salute gesture. "christopher bang," he said. "nice to see you again."

the older boy chuckled, doing the same gesture. "if it isn't the one and only spearb."

**-•3•-**

"i didn't know you could drive," changbin commented as he hopped in the passenger seat of chan's pickup.

he waited until chan's shift was finished, him being replaced by a girl named mina. the older boy then started the car and tossed his backpack to the backseat.

"if i were minho, i'd say _'you're not paying attention to me at all!_ " the two laughed at chan's impression of minho. "but yeah, i learned in senior year."

the two friends started to drive away from the convenience store. it was already just past dinner time, and chan had wanted to invite jisung but the young lyricist told him that he'd be busy tonight. and when jisung was busy, no one could disturb him.

"any plans tonight?" chan asked, taking a look at changbin's plastic bag. "is that ramen?"

changbin lifted the bag from the floor and opened it up, showing each of the items to the older boy. "milkis, of course; yes, ramen—two cups, actually, and a pack of gum for hyunjin."

"gum for hyunjin?" chan asked. "why's that?"

changbin explained his plan of eliminating hyunjin's new hobby of smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. he hoped his older friend would share encouraging words regarding the plan but all he said was:

"well, you can take the cigarettes away from the boy, but you can't take the boy away from the cigarettes."

changbin crossed his eyebrows. "what does that mean?"

chan sighed, giving changbin a look.

"what!? i really don't know!" changbin exclaimed.

the australian shook his head. "binnie, how is a pack of gum gonna take away that habit of his if he has minho to provide him with it every time he needs more? look, if you give him the gum, he'll tell you 'okay hyung thanks', and then he'll proceed to asking minho for more."

"yeah, unless we tell minho to stop," changbin said, agreeing. "which i doubt will happen. maybe the gum was a bad idea."

the two friends drove silently, and they passed by the han river. changbin looked out his side of the window, and gazed at the long river flowing parallel to the car.

chan spent the silence thinking of what he could do to find out what changbin's key was. what was it that would bring changbin back? the changbin who was carefree, the changbin who liked babying himself at times, the changbin who was tough and brave?

meanwhile, changbin wanted to ask chan how he was doing. he knew that chan was affected the most by the incident. chan was the person they all looked up to, the person they all trusted. changbin wasn't sure if chan was ready to look vulnerable in front of everyone else in the group. most of all, if he was ready to continue leading them despite what happened.

changbin now understood the responsibility chan had in his hands, and he wasn't going to let him go through this pain alone.

"hyung, let's go for a walk a bit," changbin said, breaking the silence.

after parking the car, the two started walking side by side. it was a good thing chan brought a jacket with him because the cold air was really starting to get serious.

the park was a place where all of them really liked hanging out at despite their little hideout behind the school. it was fresh, there was a lot of wind, the sun felt great against their skin. everyone liked the atmosphere the han river gave them.

_"pass it to me!" hyunjin obnoxiously yelled. "pass!! it!! to!! me!!"_

_"hyunjin, shut up!" minho yelled, passing the ball to felix instead._

_"aw come on!!" hyunjin whined._

_felix threw the ball, making it hit hard on seungmin's head. the boy immediately dropped to the ground, hands on his head._

_"oh shit!" felix exclaimed, running to him. all the others ran to seungmin's aid as well. "minnie, i'm sorry! i didn't mean it."_

_"it-it's fine," seungmin said, still clutching his head._

_hyunjin groaned. "ah, i told you not to play, minnie."_

_"it's fine, hyunjin," he said._

_"excuse me!" minho crouched in front of seungmin with a cold bottle of coke in his hands. "here." he put it against seungmin's head, making the younger boy thank him._

_"well, i guess that's enough games for now," woojin said, rubbing the back of his neck. "who wants to come with me to buy ramen?"_

_"me!" jeongin chirped. "we should also get seungmin some ice, i guess."_

_"i'm going too! i'm hungry for a sandwich," jisung said, rubbing his belly._

_the three started to walk away, and changbin sat on the picnic blanket, looking at the river that stretched in front of them._

_"hey, thanks minho," seungmin said, moving to the blanket._

_minho smirked, patting his shoulder. "i'm you guys' future nurse after all."_

_"chan?"_

he closed his eyes for a few seconds before opening them again. the han river was right in front of them, and the park was empty. none of their friends were there, not the picnic blanket, not the ramen, not even the ball that hit seungmin in the head. it was another memory.

"hyung, are you okay?' changbin asked, putting a hand on chan's shoulder. after a few seconds, changbin spoke again. "you remembered something, didn't you?"

chan sighed, nodding his head. "does it happen to you, too?"

changbin nodded, staring at the water. "but it doesn't happen much anymore ever since i started hanging out with the others again."

it was like a lightbulb suddenly appeared in chan's head. did it mean that as changbin starts to hang out with them again, he was also starting to get better? did it mean that the more changbin was exposed to them, the easier it was for him to move on?

chan wanted to scream. was it that easy to figure out changbin's key? or was he jumping to conclusions just because changbin was being honest with him at the moment?

"i feel like.. every time we isolate ourselves," changbin continued. "we get lost in a maze of memories, you know? if we don't put ourselves out there, if we don't try to live on, then we'll be stuck. i don't want that to happen, chan. it's not fun. we both know that."

"holy shit, changbin," chan exhaled after a brief silence. "you've got to be kidding me."

"what?" changbin asked innocently. "there it _is_ again! your weird comments that my brain couldn't calculate!"

chan put both his hands on changbin's shoulders and started shaking his younger friend. "y-you're telling me that you think if we all get back together, maybe we'll all get better?"

"i—i mean, i just said that—"

chan let go of changbin, staring at the shorter boy. changbin was weirded out by his older friend's sudden excitement. did he say something? was chan planning something crazy? changbin had no idea.

"i just found your key, changbin."

"my what?"

"your key," chan said, smiling widely at his younger friend. "your key is company."


	13. the quest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which 3racha come together to find the keys to all the locked doors their friends are hiding in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **just a lil note for those who aren't familiar yet, 3racha is the rap line of skz and they've been the sole composers and lyricists behind most of skz's songs. they also release their own original tracks on soundcloud! it consists of chan (cb97), changbin (spearb, pronounced as spear-b), and jisung (j.one). yay stan 3racha.**

**_13 — THE QUEST_ **

he wondered when his friends would show up so he could show them his work. _a little more,_ he thought, _and i'd have enough tracks for three albums._

jisung was waiting patiently in the living room, flipping through movies that he halfheartedly wanted to watch. there were so many—frozen, tangled, wreck-it ralph, and then there was it, the conjuring, insidious, and a lot more.

he didn't want to sit and flip through movies. he wanted to consult changbin and chan so bad. he was going to go crazy if he doesn't talk to any of them about his tracks soon, he was sure of it.

at least he was finished with all his schoolwork. it took him a couple days and some money (due to asking help from his classmate, hwang yeji) before he was able to complete it all.

he thought of hyunjin and how he came up to him today in school to ask for a pencil. that was the only interaction they had, and jisung felt a little bit guilty. he kept himself too busy to even check up on the others. the only person he would really talk to was chan, and sometimes changbin.

but tonight, he felt alone, he was tired of all the working he did. he was tired of reliving what they once had just to be able to write down new lyrics. he almost felt like a monster just like what the other students have called him.

_every one of his friends have been hurting, why does he look okay?_

_maybe they weren't really close that's why he's like that._

_is he that emotionless?_

for the first time, jisung wanted to rest. he wasn't sure if all his working would result to something good. after all, they didn't see what he was doing all this time.

 _chan doesn't deserve all the bad things that were said to him,_ jisung thought. _all chan did was care, and they didn't see that._

he sighed and played nick & norah's infinite playlist instead, even though he wasn't really going to watch. it was already almost 10pm and chan wasn't home yet. he was getting worried about his friend.

**jisung**  
_hyung?? where are you?_

**chan**  
_i'm almost home. have you had dinner? i got some chicken and changbin has ramen_

**jisung**  
_uh.. well, i could have some chicken and ramen but you're with changbin????_

**chan**  
_long story but we're almost there. stay put_

**jisung**  
_there you go again!_

_hyung!_

_ughh_

**-•3•-**

meanwhile, a ten-minute drive away, in a gasoline station right in the middle of town, changbin sat in the passenger's seat of chan's pickup as he watched his older friend have the tank filled up.

"so you're telling me, there are 'keys' to unlock everyone else's doors," changbin asked, putting his feet up on the dashboard.

"put your feet down, you might kick the chicken," chan said. "but yeah, i guess so. i was talking to my dad today and i mentioned how like, we've drifted apart somehow, after what happened. then i mentioned how it's like everyone else has locked their doors and he told me that maybe i should find the keys."

changbin nodded slowly, ignoring chan's request and pushing the box to the middle instead. "and how do you suppose we find the keys? not everyone's here, and not everyone's willing to go out yet."

chan shrugged, taking the box of chicken away and putting it in the backseat. "i guess the way to find those keys is to find out what makes the others okay again—even if it's just for a brief moment. or something that'll make them... move on."

"have you found yours?"

"listen here, hotshot, _i'm_ in charge."

changbin laughed, raising his hands in surrender. "okay, mr. bang."

the older friend joined the laughter. chan wasn't sure what his key was, and he certainly wasn't sure how he'd find it yet. "i think i'll be able to find mine when i find everyone else's."

the two started to drive again, this time, towards chan and jisung's apartment. changbin leaned back in his seat, letting the cold evening air mess his hair up.

"i was hoping for a normal day," changbin chuckled. "i guess not."

"i think your normal days are going to come soon," chan said. "now that we've found your key, and the fact that you're using it. it's great start."

changbin let out a loud sigh. "god, i hope so. i really do."

"you mind staying over tonight?"

"sure, but i have to grab a shirt or someth—"

"nah, you can borrow jisung's clothes."

"have you seen that guy's body!?" changbin exclaimed, sitting straight. "boy's got the waist of a girl! my arms are bigger than his, too!"

chan laughed. "he's slim, alright. but i think that boy wears double-xl shirts. you'll do fine."

changbin rolled his eyes. "okay but let me at least leave my ramen at my house."

"mmm i don't think so."

"why not?"

"because i told jisung you have ramen," chan smiled innocently.

"hyung!"

"what? it isn't like you both don't share food all the time!" chan laughed.

after a couple more minutes, the two arrived at the apartment's parking lot, and chan started to park the pickup.

"hyung."

"what?"

"if we're gonna look for the keys," changbin started. "and you've found mine… who are we going to go for next?"

chan laughed as they both got hopped out of the car, the box of chicken in his hands. he then pointed towards the apartment standing in front of them.

"get in with the program, spearb," he said. "if there's going to be one more person we're going to need to rebuild the broken foundation of what we call our group of friends, it has to be him. you know that."

changbin nodded, swinging his plastic bag back and forth as they walked inside the apartment complex.

 _of course,_ he thought. if they were going to go for someone next, it has to be him. he wasn't hard to read, after all. at least, not for them.

he sighed. "i guess it's time to invlove the one and only han jisung, then."


	14. clé 2: jisung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which jisung is excited for the chicken, and his two friends are surprised by what he had to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **ngl i loved writing this chapter**

**_14 —CLÉ 2: JISUNG_ **

if it wasn't for the chicken, jisung would've already locked up the apartment, preventing chan, changbin and any other danger the night had to give from coming inside. but the younger boy was hungry, so he sat through _nick and norah's infinite playlist_ as he waited for any of those three to knock at his front door.

when the doorbell rang, jisung sprang from his seat and made his way to the door. the two people standing outside greeted him with the same amount of enthusiasm he displayed.

"channie hyung you're finally back!" he exclaimed, taking the box of chicken from the older boy's hands.

" _ohoho_ look who's here!" he continued, giving changbin a fistpump. "if it isn't spearb himself!"

changbin laughed. "wassup, j.one."

"what's with the energy?" chan asked as the three of them made their way to the kitchen.

jisung already had the box of chicken open, one piece in his hand as he said, "food." he took a bite and chewed. "and you guys are here!" he chewed again and this time, swallowed.

"i live here, though," chan said, grabbing a piece from the box and sitting on one of the dining chairs.

jisung shook his head, licking his fingers clean. "hyung, i've been praying for this day to come—okay, that's exaggerated—but having you and changbin right here is fate!"

changbin and chan gave each other a look. jisung was always noisy, yes, but this enthusiasm and energy was a little bit weird for the two older friends.

"are you okay?" changbin asked, putting out a cup of ramen from the plastic that he brought. "seems like it, but there's something weird about this… _okayness_."

jisung shook his head, taking another piece of chicken from the box. "nothing weird, just pure bliss—pure happiness."

 _happiness_ , changbin thought. it was the first time he heard that from any of his friends after the incident, and he was relieved jisung didn't let things get to him, or if they did, he didn't let them affect him in any bad way... or so he hoped.

"guess what," jisung said as he helped changbin boil water for the ramen.

"you passed your subjects," chan guessed.

he tilted his head. "getting there. although i wouldn't have been able to submit my history project if it weren't for yeji."

"yeji? isn't that—"

"anyway—" he made a buzzer sound, "wrong."

"you wrote a new song!" changbin exclaimed, slamming his hand down on the countertop.

"ding! ding! ding!" jisung said, drumming on the table. "mr. seo changbin wins this round! and, it's not just one song. i wrote—get ready for it!—25 tracks."

"holy shit," changbin exhaled. "dude that's… that's a lot."

"jisung," chan said, standing up. he was happy. he was right about trusting jisung when it came to his well-being. "did you really? was this why you've been so busy these past few weeks?"

jisung shrugged, and the excitement in the atmosphere seemed to vanish. "it's all i could do, really. like, i know to myself that i couldn't let all the bad thoughts stay in my mind, you know? not after what happened. i barely see changbin hyung around in school, and when i see hyunjin or seungmin or even jeongin, they barely acknowledge my presence. i figured maybe they were taking time off this friendship. i know it's been toxic."

"in school," jisung continued. "some students say bad things about channie hyung. it makes me mad," he turned to his older friend, "you don't deserve it. if anyone should really be called a monster, it's right that they say it's me."

"no," changbin said. "you're not a monster, jisung. none of us is a monster, not even hyunjin, despite the amount of anger he keeps showing."

"he doesn't even talk a lot in school anymore," jisung said. "but one day, while i was on my way to the hideout to work on the songs, i passed by the dance practice room… i took a peek, thinking maybe i'd see him there, practicing. he was there, but instead of practicing, he was standing in the middle of the room getting scolded."

"hyunjin's really taking it hard," chan said. "honestly, sometimes i don't even know what to tell him anymore."

the three friends decided to finish eating the cold chicken and the ramen changbin has brought with him. it was another weirdly peaceful night after a long while, but nothing at that moment could amount to the relief jisung felt. not only was he finally able to tell chan and changbin about the new songs he wrote, but he was also finally able to talk his feelings out to someone other than a blank piece of paper.

after cleaning up in the kitchen, jisung found himself in his room, laptop opened, with changbin and chan sitting at either side of him. he handed changbin the papers which contained tracks 7, 8, 9, 19, and 22.

"i couldn't figure out what to put in this section," jisung said, pointing at the bridge part of track 9, "and channie hyung," he turned to his australian friend who was in the middle of reading track 16, "i know you're the best at arranging the songs we write so i was going to ask for some help from you with it. and—"

"woah, jisung," chan said, chuckling as he put a hand on the latter's back, "relax. we have all night to talk about this."

changbin laughed. "j.one, you have a lot in mind these past few weeks.. and they…" he flipped through the pieces of paper in his hand. "are about... us."

jisung turned his attention to his laptop, and started rummaging through his files. changbin almost felt guilty, despite the happiness he felt for jisung's work. if jisung was able to write all these songs about their friendship in a few weeks, did this mean he had no one to talk to about it?

was he that _bad_ of a friend?

"hey." chan put down the papers on the desk in front of them. "ji… i'm sorry."

"why are you sorry?" the younger friend asked, eyes still glued to his laptop. he continued going through his files.

"i know i haven't really been there for you ever since what happened. i've been too caught up with my own thoughts. i can't believe i wasn't able to check up on you."

jisung shook his head. "no, see? that's exactly what i thought of as well. working on all of this? it made me think that i had no time to check up on anyone, which is slightly true, and it made me feel awful about myself. but i knew if i stopped, then i'd be sad and if i'll be sad, then who's going to pick up the pieces of everyone's pain?"

"ji—"

"i know how much it affected you, chan hyung. and it's okay to not be happy. it's okay to be sad. you deserved the time off, and the voices you hear? i wanted to take those away that's why i spent time writing about it so when i showed it to you, you'd have something to listen to to forget them."

"and changbin hyung," he continued, facing his other friend. "i know the strong front you show people when you're in pain. i know how patient you are with the people you care about, despite wanting to shut people out. i hate seeing you like that. it makes me guilty because i have no patience."

"all these songs? they're just about all the things all nine of us shared throughout the years—the happiness, the pain, the love, the fights, the challenges, the sleepless nights, the graduation, and even the loss. keeping track of the memories we all had with each other seemed to be what made me feel better. it kind of reminded me that even though things are never going to go back to the way they were before, all of these memories still happened. it reminded me that they were and will always be real. that this friendship wasn't just for show, it wasn't to tell people that we're diverse and that we're cool. it was real. us being nine in this friendship is real. and it always will be."

changbin found himself tilting his head, trying to prevent the tears from falling. _of course_ , he thought. _of course jisung would be the one to make use of all the best times we all had with each other._

a moment later, he felt jisung's hand wipe the tear rolling down his cheek. "hyung, we're gonna get through this," the younger boy said. "i know we will, and this time, no one's going to leave."

jisung then turned his attention back to his laptop. "i figured that was the key."

chan's attention shifted from the pile of papers in his hand to jisung's computer at the mention of the word "key". he immediately glanced at changbin who, despite rubbing his left eye with the lower part of his palm, was already looking at him.

"w-what was that, jisung?" chan asked, scooting closer to the boy. "what'd you say?"

"what? i just said so many things!" the boy whined, throwing his hands in the air. "which part do you want me to repeat?"

chan groaned. "no! i meant the last thing you said."

"i told changbin hyung we were gonna get through this."

"no!" changbin chorused with chan.

"that this time, no one's gonna leave?"

chan shook his head. "you're unbelievable."

"tell me what i said!" jisung sounded exasperated.

"about the key, you dumbo!" changbin yelled, slapping his own face with the paper he was holding. "what's the key? what were you saying?"

"ohhh," jisung said. "you should've just told me, geez. what i meant was that remembering the great times we had was the key to making me feel better. reminding myself that it was all real made me believe that even though we won't be complete anymore, he's there. he always will be."

there was a short pause before jisung spoke again. "the memories was the key to my productivity, and i really hope we all get together soon so we could make more."

chan stared at jisung. he was in awe of how smart his younger friend was. he was in awe of how brave and strong jisung was. jisung found his own key, chan couldn't believe it. and he wasn't going to leave that key unused any longer. if jisung wanted them all to get together soon, that was what he was going to do.


	15. the escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which the fox has found an opportunity he might regret taking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **[ MAJOR trigger warning: references to suicide, self-harm, the mention of blood, wounds, blades, death, etc. ]**

**_15 — THE ESCAPE_ **

wednesday night was supposed to be spent with minho. ever since his last attempt, jeongin couldn't sleep well. he couldn't even bring himself to ask how he is. something about minho's attempt scared him.

but instead of being on the way to his friend's apartment, he stood in the living room, taking in every single thing his mom was telling him.

"i gave you the freedom to hang out with your friends and this is what you're going to give back to me?" his mom said as she sat on the couch, holding a piece of paper in her hands. it was a notice of jeongin's status in his classes. "jeongin, you're failing your classes, do you know that?"

he stayed silent. of course he did. he went to school thrice a week if not twice.

"can i please—"

"no, jeongin, i'm still talking," his mom interrupted. "why are you doing this to yourself? why are you letting yourself fail your classes? you know the consequences, jeongin. if you fail, you might have to repeat 10th grade. do you want to be left behind? seungmin and the others will be graduating next year. please don't waste your life away on one incident."

there it was. the mention of the incident. it was roughly two months ago now, but people still talk about it like it happened recently. jeongin hated it. he hated when people reminded him about it. he was fully aware of the incident. he was there with chan, minho, and seungmin. it replayed in his head at times when he didn't expect it to. he hated it so much. he didn't want to see anyone involved during that night.

"please don't say that," jeongin silently said.

"i _will_ say it, son," his mom said. "i'm doing this so you would realize what you're doing with your life. you can't just forget about yourself and dwell on the past. it's been two months, jeongin. they're going to suspend you if you don't start going to school regularly again."

"then let them suspend me."

his mom pursed her lips, something jeongin knew that meant she was getting impatient. she closed her eyes for a moment and when she reopened them, she stood up.

"that's it," she said, folding the paper. "you're not allowed to go out of the house anymore. i'm going to take you to school everyday, and you'll have to wait for me to fetch you after."

jeongin's world started to crash. he couldn't have this right now. minho needed him... or at least, he needed minho. he had to stay at his apartment.

"mom, no—"

"no, jeongin!" she exclaimed. "do you really think i'd still let you hang out with minho after your performance in school? i thought he was helping you with schoolwork—"

"he is!"

"but i think i'm realizing now that your group of friends aren't the best for you," she finished. "if anything, i think minho's trying to help you in wasting your life away. i can't have that. you are not allowed to visit him or stay at his place anymore until you start going to school again."

"mom!"

"enough, jeongin! what i've said is final."

with that, she walked out of the living room. jeongin's little brother was peeking by the stairs but his mom escorted him back up with her.

jeongin stayed in his position, hands balled into fists. he felt himself shaking in anger, and the tears were threatening to fall. he felt it hurt in his throat, and he choked back a sob. he then made his way back into his room, slamming the door shut.

how dare his mom mention the incident so lightly? and how dare she accuse minho of not doing anything good for him? minho did everything for him. he allowed jeongin to stay at his place for as long as he wanted, he allowed him to take that one whole bottle of pills with him, he allowed him to eat the food in his fridge, and most of all, he allowed jeongin to put his anger and pain out on himself.

the first time he did it, he was terrified of the amount of blood that gushed out of his body. but minho told him it was okay because he was there to patch him up right after. there was just one rule jeongin needed to follow:

_"do this to yourself only when you're here at my place. i need to make sure i'm able to patch you up. if you do it somewhere, and no one is there to do it like i do, i'm never going to forgive you."_

minho's request was simple. he could do all the hurting he could but only as long as he was there.

but tonight, he wasn't there. minho was not around, and that was his only escape. he wasn't allowed do it here—especially here, minho said. but jeongin's hands were itching. he ignored the sobs that were coming out of his mouth. he ignored the tears falling down his face. he made his way to his school bag which was sitting at the edge of his bed. he then pulled his sleeves up as he rummaged through his things.

finally, in one of the small pockets, he found the blade minho gave him. he was given one, nothing else. he was not allowed to ask for another or buy a new one, not that jeongin would anyway. minho said it was to control his urges. jeongin didn't understand it much but one thing was clear: minho was kind enough to let him do this.

jeongin made his way to the bathroom, closing the door gently behind him and locking it. he was immediately greeted by his own reflection in the mirror cabinet.

his lip quivered because of the nervousness he felt. _is this a good idea?_ he asked himself. _what if minho hyung finds out? will he really hate me?_

he closed his eyes for a while, leaning his hands on the sink. he wasn't sure if he wanted to do it or not, but something in his head was telling him to do so.

_"horizontally, jeongin," minho said. "do not do it vertically."_

_"why not?" jeongin asked, blade in one of his hands._

_minho shook his head. "don't ask, jeongin. just follow, okay?"_

jeongin opened his eyes. why didn't minho want him to do it vertically? he looked down on his wrists, the red horizontal lines seemed to pull him in. one of the scars was starting to open up due to jeongin's sudden movements. he saw the small circles of blood starting to form.

on his left arm, minho's patches were still there. _don't remove it,_ he was told. _you know when to, right?_

his mind wanted to follow everything minho told him but his hands had other plans. he ripped off the patches from his left arm, and blood slowly started to seep out of the wounds.

jeongin felt his breath shaken at the sight of the blood. what if someone comes in? what if his mom calls for him?

he shook his head and positioned the blade right on top of his open wound. he made one swift gesture, halfly because he was scared of what might happen and halfly because he didn't want it to be too deep.

he stared at the long vertical line he made on his skin. the blood started gushing out. the flow was faster, more urgent. he did the same on his other arm. jeongin put his hand on top of it, but the blood on both his wrists continued to come out of his body.

he felt his stomach do backflips. the amount of blood was overwhelming to him. he hunched over the sink, turning the faucet on. as he washed the blood from his arms he saw the newly opened wounds staring back at him. he closed his eyes at the pain he felt, and the tears started to fall once again.

jeongin was terrified of what he had done to himself. he wasn't sure what was going to happen to him after that. he moved around in the bathroom, trying to dry off the blood with tissue and towels but it kept coming.

at last, he bent over the toilet bowl and let out the contents of his stomach. minho would never let him reach this point. minho would've been able to patch him up before he saw too much blood.

but minho wasn't there, and jeongin had no supplies to patch himself up except for tissue and his hoodie.

his hands were shaking as he held the sides of the toilet bowl. slowly, the blood rolled down onto the white surface and jeongin backed away, pushing his arms against his own body, praying the blood would finally stop flowing out.

he wasn't sure what was going to happen. was he going to die before minho did? was someone going to find out? he wasn't sure because as the time passed by, jeongin felt his consciousness slip away.

he heard in movies that when a person was in immense physical pain, they had to force themselves to stay awake because it'll be harder for them to wake up next time.

but that was exactly what jeongin wanted at the moment, so he let himself slip away into the darkness.


	16. the friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which seungmin has found a friend, and a familiar voice remained unheard.

**_16 — THE FRIEND_ **

"hey, really, i appreciate this," lia said as she walked down the hallway alongside seungmin as they both carried books in their hands.

seungmin shrugged. "i've always wanted to help out in the library, really. i just never got the chance to ask how."

"well, it's a good thing you asked me then," she laughed. "honestly, though, i thought all you did was sing and go to school. i didn't know you were into books."

choi jisu, more commonly known as lia, was in seungmin and hyunjin's class. she was smart, always punctual, and was also in the glee club along with seungmin. she usually gets asked to emcee with him in some school occasions. seungmin liked her presence and wit. she had a western side to her, considering the fact that she came from canada. however, seungmin had been turning down the requests ever since what happened.

"i noticed your frequent trips to the library," seungmin said. "i guessed you had some business in there."

after a short silence, lia spoke once again. "hey, just so you know, the way i see you didn't change after what happened."

seungmin found himself looking at her, waiting for further explanation.

"i know that you guys have been frustrated and hurt because of the things other people have been saying," she said. "i personally think it's unfair of them."

seungmin stayed silent.

"i hate that some of them are so inconsiderate of you guy' feelings," she continued. "and they don't even keep it subtle. they just… say stuff. like about chan, they keep saying—"

"don't."

"sorry," lia immediately said. "i shouldn't have brought it up."

"i think the only way people would be able to forget about it is when we all graduate," seungmin said. "and jeongin still has two more years in this place, unfortunately."

they reached the library and seungmin pushed open the door, holding it for lia as she slipped inside.

mrs. jang, the librarian, immediately spotted the both of them and waved excitedly, gesturing for them to come closer. they made their way to her desk. 

"more from the teacher's lounge, mrs. jang," lia said, putting the books on the desk. "anything seungmin and i have to do today?"

the old librarian smiled. "just the usual," she said. "some students really forget to put the books back where they got them."

seungmin let out a smile. ever since he started hanging out with lia at the library, it felt as if all the bad things that have happened in the past two months have faded away. it was like he was living another life, and he was starting to like it, despite avoiding his friends.

"will do, ma'am," lia said, flashing a smile. "seungmin and i will be waiting at the second row."

"thank you, kids," mrs jang said, patting seungmin on the arm. "and after, i have juice pouches for you both."

lia thanked her and looked at seungmin, gesturing for him to follow her. they made their way to the table she mentioned and took their seats. "i hope you don't mind me asking how you've been."

seungmin licked his lips. "i honestly don't know either," he admitted. "it's kind of like my mind's in auto-pilot mode."

lia nodded as she pursed her lips. "and you haven't attended practice in a while."

seungmin sighed. he was on a scholarship for joining the glee club. at first, he didn't feel the pressure. he just had to keep his grades high, attend practice, perform, and things would be great. but now, all he could focus on was school because attending practice would mean seeing jeongin.

"even jeongin hasn't turned in for a while," lia continued as if reading his mind. "i'm kind of more worried about him and i am with you. he never missed practice, he was also always early with matching bottles of water for the both of you…"

"jeongin shut us out," seungmin said. "i don't think he's going to be back soon."

lia sighed. "he's like a baby brother," she said. "i loved seeing him around. don't you miss him?"

seungmin thought about lia's question. he did miss jeongin. he missed everyone. he finally nodded. "i hope he's okay."

the library's closing time finally came so lia and seungmin went to work—retrieving books that the students were too lazy to return to in their bookshelves. they also fixed the chairs and tables, made sure nothing was left on the outlets, and when they were done, mrs. jang handed them the juice pouches she'd promised.

"i really love seeing you both around," she said. "thanks for helping out."

"no problem, mrs. jang," lia smiled. "seungmin and i are more than happy to help."

after parting ways with the librarian, the two walked down the opposite direction as they made their way to seungmin's locker where he left his school bag in.

"you know jeongin's on a warning note, right?" lia asked as they both reached his locker.

seungmin pulled it open and shook his head. "i figured it would happen soon."

lia nodded, leaning against the locker next to seungmin's. "yeah, ryujin told me about when she gave him the first notice. she told me he looked troubled. she's kinda scared of him now."

"can you tell her i'm sorry in behalf of him?" seungmin said, slinging the backpack on his shoulder. "it's really all just… my fault he's like this."

"what do you mean?"

they continued to walk, this time heading toward the school entrance. "the whole thing that happened, i just believe it's partly my fault. i should've paid attention. maybe if i did, things would still be normal."

lia put a hand on seungmin's arm. "hey, no. none of it was your fault or any of you guys' fault. i.. i'm sorry it happened to you. but you don't have to blame yourself for it, okay?" she gave seungmin's arm a little squeeze.

"do you want ice cream?" seungmin asked.

"hell yes!" lia exclaimed. "i think we both deserve it after a very productive day at the library." with that, she linked her arm with seungmin's and the two started walking again.

seungmin felt his heart jump, not because of lia's presence or the sensation of her arm against his. she knew seungmin liked hyunjin. she was fully aware of that. how she knew, seungmin had no idea. but the little happiness boiling in his chest was because of the way lia was treating him normally, like he wasn't hurting, like he wasn't troubled. he liked it.

but that little bubble of happiness immediately popped when he heard a familiar voice call out his name.

"seungmin!" the voice called.

he immediately turned around, dragging lia along with him, and standing at the far end of the hallway was hyunjin. lia immediately let go of seungmin's arm. she didn't want him to get the wrong impression.

the tall dark haired boy made his way toward seungmin and lia, his facial expression wasn't hard to read. he was pissed.

"hyunjin—"

"what are you doing?" hyunjin asked. the calmness in his voice scared seungmin. ever since the argue they had that night when they got caught, hyunjin seemed to become more strict and cautious of whatever happened to seungmin or whatever seungmin was doing. of course, seungmin understood that it was all because of hyunjin's care for him. he knew hyunjin loved him.

"i'm doing nothing?" seungmin sounded unsure.

hyunjin turned to lia. "why are you… what did you guys do?"

"we just helped mrs. jang at the library," lia calmly explained. "we've been doing it for a few days now—"

"you've been hanging out with her ever since you wanted to shut _us_ out?" hyunjin turned his attention back to seungmin. "you shut me out to hang out with someone else?"

seungmin exhaled. "jinnie, we're classmates and i see lia a lot at practice. you know that."

"yeah, but she had her arm around yours, i saw that," hyunjin said, running a hand through his hair.

"it was a friendly thing, hyunjin," lia said. "i don't mean anything by that. i do it to all my friends."

"i hope so," hyunjin said.

"why are you still here?" seungmin asked. 

"d-dance…"

the tone in his voice was different. seungmin wasn't sure what it meant. "o-okay," he said. "we're gonna go now. you have fun at practice."

hyunjin shook his head. "go ahead," he said.

"hey," seungmin said. "you don't have to worry about me and lia, okay? she knows."

hyunjin looked over to the black haired canadian who was standing with her hands at her back. she gave hyunjin a small smile and a nod. finally, he nodded back.

"sorry," he apologized.

seungmin nodded. "bye."

"hyunjin, come on!" another voice came from the same direction hyunjin was from, but neither hyunjin nor seungmin turned toward the voice. 

"let's go," seungmin quietly said, pulling lia away from hyunjin.

as the two of them continued to walk, lia tilted her head. "so you're ignoring felix, too?"

seungmin stopped in his tracks. "what?"

"felix," she said. "he called hyunjin but none of you guys turned towards him."

seungmin was confused, but when he looked back where he saw hyunjin walking back into the hallway alone, he was even more confused. he heard nothing. no one was waiting for hyunjin at the end of the hallway. and felix was nowhere, none of them have heard from the guy in a while. why did lia suddenly see him? how?

instead of making things more complicated for her, he nodded. "uh, yeah.. let's just go."


	17. the call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which minho proves that an awfully normal day always has something in store to shake his ground.

**_17 — THE CALL_ **

he sat under a tree at the right side of the university field. he had been starting to attend his classes once again, just to make sure they wouldn't suspend or worse, expell him from his program.

it was late afternoon but minho still had one more class to attend which was two hours from now. he hated his night classes. seeing buildings lit up against the sky reminded him of the incident that happened two months ago. and the more he was reminded of it, the more he was tempted to go through with his plan.

"come on, jeongin, pick up," he said into his phone. it was friday, and two days ago, jeongin was supposed to show up at his place, but when the fox boy didn't arrive, minho became worried. he never didn't show up. if he wasn't coming, he'd text minho. but he wasn't picking up his calls for two days now which worried minho a lot.

_"hi this is jeongin! probably doing something more fun, please leave a message!"_

minho groaned. "jeongin, if you're mad at me or something, at least tell me. if something is wrong, send me a message. i'm worried about you."

he put his phone back in his pocket and leaned back on the ground on top of the blanket he'd brought with him. killing two hours didn't sound fun to minho. he'd rather be back at his apartment, laying in bed, doing absolutely nothing. and since he still had time to kill anyway, minho closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep.

the moment he woke up, a figure of a girl stood above him, her eyes full of concern.

"um, hi," she said.

minho immediately stood up and looked around, the field was almost deserted and the sky was tinted orange. he checked his watch which told him it was twenty minutes before his last class.

"oh god, i really just slept through the afternoon, huh," he said, gathering his things—his blanket, his phone, which must have fallen from his pocket, his bag, and a textbook he was supposed to read.

the girl chuckled. "yeah. and uh, we're partners in the next class? i saw you sleeping here. figured you'd want to be woken up before class starts."

minho looked up at her. small, chinky eyes, dyed blonde hair, bright smile, and she wasn't so tall. she did make her uniform look like an outfit she was going to wear at an after school catwalk show.

"dahyun," he finally said, remembering her name.

"yep," she said. "and you're lee minho. don't know if you've noticed but we're like in all the same classes together. but you kinda stopped going to school so i was a bit worried when mr. park made me partners with you. glad you're here, though."

minho stood up, and the two of them started walking to class. "right, thanks for waking me up."

"oh, i didn't really," dahyun said, swinging her backpack sideways as they walked into the building. "i just got there when you opened your eyes."

minho nodded. he barely remembered dahyun's presence in any of his classes, but then again, he barely went for the past two months. however, it did feel nice to talk to someone other than his friends.

when they got to class and found seats in the second row, minho suddenly felt that something was wrong about the calmness of the day. he wasn't sure if it was because of him getting used to being troubled or because of the fact that it was just then that he realized no one in his school knew about the incident he'd been hiding in the back of his mind. no one knows what he's been going through.

the class went on, and minho tried his best to focus on the lecture. he had a lot to catch up on, but it wasn't hard to do so. the only distraction to him at the moment was dahyun as she drew different kinds of facial hair on scratch paper and putting it on her face. minho tried to keep himself from laughing.

"okay, grab your partners and i'll be distributing a bp monitor for each pair," mr. park announced. "you'll be checking each other's blood pressure."

"oh great," dahyun groaned next to minho. "finally some fun. i was about to fall asleep back there."

minho tried to reciprocate dahyun's light attitude. she seemed to be one who would get the job done swiftly so she could continue doing nothing. also, it wasn't hard to talk to her. she had so much to say.

after being passed a BP monitor, dahyun scrunched her nose. "you know back at my place, we have the older kind where you gotta pump that big blob after putting the pressure cuff on."

"you mean the bulb of a sphygmomanometer?"

dahyun nodded. "yeah, that. and you had to use a stethoscope to listen for the systolic and diastolic pressure."

minho nodded. "that's much more fun than this electronic one, actually."

"—and then after this, you'll be doing the traditional way of getting someone blood pressure," mr. park continued. "by using sphygmomanometers."

the pair exchanged looks and laughed. "well, speaking of the devil, i guess?" minho said.

dahyun shook her head. "of course we'd do that. why did i forget?"

they decided to let minho take dahyun's blood pressure first. he was amazed by how pale she was. it almost looked like she could camouflage herself into their white uniform, but minho knew better than to tell her that. besides, chan was almost just as pale as she was.

when it was minho's turn, dahyun pulled his sleeves up. he relaxed his arm as he should, and stared at the floor. when he didn't feel the pressure cuff tighten, he looked over at dahyun.

"minho," she said, her eyes glued to his arm. "y-you're…," she shook her head, "nevermind. that's so rude of me."

"no it's okay," minho said. "i know what you're going to say."

"what is it, then?" dahyun said, finally starting the monitor.

as the cuff tightened around his arm, he almost felt as if it was suffocating him. of course she'd notice his weird body weight.

"you're not very fond of eating, i see," dahyun said, taking the cuff off from his arm. "or will you convince me its genetics?"

minho smiled. "i'll let you take a guess."

dahyun shrugged, pulling an amount of skin from the back of his hand, earning an "ow!" from minho, and watched it slowly fall back into place. "you're dehydrated, so that means it's the first thing i said."

minho rubbed his hand. "okay ms. _know-it-all,_ " he said.

dahyun ignored his comment as she placed back the monitor in its bag and wrote down minho's blood pressure on the paper provided to them. "i'm not going to ask, don't worry," she said, not looking at him. "it's none of my business, anyway."

minho felt like he needed to apologize to her. it wasn't like he did anything wrong, but his appearance took away her smile, and he didn't want to take smiles away anymore.

after class, the two of them walked outside the school gate together. dahyun had her hands on the straps of her backpack as she rocked back and forth on her heels.

"hey, lee minho!" she said. "i'll see you on monday, okay? don't bail on me. i'm expecting to see you bright and early like you always were."

minho smiled. "yeah, sure. i'll be there."

"enjoy your weekend!" she put a hand by her mouth. "and eat more!" she whisper-shouted.

he laughed. "you too!" 

with that, dahyun turned her back towards him and started walking away. he was then left alone, under the bright streetlight near the gate. minho stood there for a while, taking in the events that happened during the day: he got up and went to school, attended all his classes, met a new friend, laughed a bit, and… felt normal.

but minho knew better than to believe the normality of that day. he was still himself, he was still the toxic friend that no one really realized yet. he wasn't sure what he was doing to himself or to the other people who depended on him.

his phone started to ring in his pocket.

**hwang hyunjin is calling**

he accepted the call. "hey hyunjin, if you need more cigs, you'll have to wa—"

" _hyung, what did you do!?_ " hyunjin said at the other end. he sounded panicked and scared. and when the angry and stubborn hyunjin was panicked and scared, he knew something was really wrong.

"wha—"

" _where are you!?_ "

"school. my class just fini—what—what's happening, hyunjin?" minho asked. his heart started to race.

" _aren't you wondering why jeongin isn't answering your calls, huh?_ "

minho felt his heart drop into his stomach. what could jeongin have done to make hyunjin this panicked? they barely even talked anymore. what happened to jeongin?

he wouldn't be able to forgive himself if anything bad happened to the innocent boy.

his lips started to shake. "w-where are you, i'm coming over."

the line was silent until hyunjin spoke again. " _go to the hospital where _he_ was brought to. then you'll find out what happened._"

with that, the line was dead, and minho could think about was how hyunjin emphasized the word "he". and that could only mean one person. the he hyunjin was talking about was woojin, and minho wasn't ready to find out what other terror was waiting for him in the dead of night.


	18. the pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which seungmin is trusted by mrs. yang, and minho isn't.

**_18 — THE PAIN_ **

seungmin sat on one of the chairs inside the hospital room with his head held low. in his hand was jeongin's phone which was full of messages from minho, chan, and changbin.

he felt lightheaded. he wasn't surprised when jeongin didn't go to school for two days, but he expected the younger boy to be out somewhere—maybe with minho or at home, in his room. what he didn't expect was a call on the early evening of friday from jeongin's phone but with the latter's mom at the other end of the line.

_"seungmin?"_

"jeongin? w-what's up, i thought you didn't want to talk to us anymore," seungmin said.

_"this is his mom, seungmin."_

his heart dropped. what could have happened to him to make her call him? seungmin knew that out of all of them, jeongin's mom trusted him the most. he was convinced that maybe it was because he was closer to jeongin's age or maybe it was because of the constant care he displayed even when jeongin's family is around.

he suddenly felt the guilt creep inside his brain again. what if he continuously checked up on jeongin? what if he didn't leave him alone to do things by himself? 

"mrs. yang, i—"

he heard her choke back a sob. _"p-please come by at the hospital,"_ she said. _"we need someone, he needs someone."_

"i-i'll be there, mrs. yang," seungmin said. "p-please wait for me."

he had texted hyunjin on the way to the hospital because despite choosing to stay away from him or any of his friends, seungmin knew he wouldn't be able to handle whatever was waiting for him there.

now, he waited for hyunjin to come back from making a call outside the room. when the ravenette reentered the room, his hair was tousled, like he had been running his hands through it repeatedly. he sat next to seungmin, and stared blankly at the floor.

"don't do it, seungmin," hyunjin said after a short silence.

"what?" seungmin turned his head towards hyunjin.

"i know you," hyunjin said, looking back at him. "you're blaming yourself again."

"i—no i'm not," seungmin said, avoiding his gaze.

"yes, you are," hyunjin insisted. "we all know you were the closest to him. but don't think of it. it's not you."

"who is it, then?"

hyunjin took a deep breath, leaning back on his chair. "i know i'm not one to talk, but there's only one person who tolerated his bad decisions."

seungmin stayed silent. he hasn't seen or heard of minho in a long while. he wasn't the closest to him either, but he did know about jeongin spending time with minho. what he _didn't_ know was what jeongin did during those times.

the door suddenly opened, and chan stepped inside with jisung trailing behind him. hyunjin immediately stood up to greet the two old friends. seungmin followed, putting jeongin's phone at the edge of his bed.

"where's his parents?" chan asked as he glanced over to the sleeping jeongin on the hospital bed.

"his mom went to buy food," seungmin said. "his dad and little brother went home. she didn't want to leave him despite being told to go home and rest. i would understand her, really. where's changbin hyung?"

jisung shook his head. "told us he couldn't see jeongin like this," he said. "but… i never knew jeongin could do this to himself."

"none of us did," seungmin said, looking at jeongin. "he hated the sight of blood, and imagining him alone in his bathroom with a lot of it everywhere, i—"

"shhh," hyunjin said, putting an arm around him. "don't think about it, please. he's okay now."

"how do you know that, hyunjin?" seungmin asked, pulling away from the latter. "how do you know that when he gets out of here, he won't try it again? what if he succeeds the next time?"

"seungmin—"

seungmin broke into a sob and leaned into chan's arms. he hugged his older friend, and somehow he felt safe. he was shaking, and chan felt how fragile seungmin was at that moment. he hugged him, rubbing his back in hope to calm him down.

hyunjin glared at jisung. "what about you, huh? where've _you_ been, anyway?" he asked.

jisung's eyebrows met as he pointed towards himself. "me? what's _that_ supposed to mean, hyunjin?"

"you've been out of our reach lately," hyunjin said. "it's like… like you're forgetting we're even here."

"you don't know what you're saying," jisung defended. "i've been hurting as much as you have!"

"oh, really? and what've you been doing for the past two months, jisung!?"

"stop!" chan exclaimed. "what the hell are you two _doing!?_ can't you see where we are? can't you see what's happening?"

"i don't even know why _hotshot_ over here is so mad at me," jisung said, walking past hyunjin. he sat on the chair seungmin was sitting on.

hyunjin balled his fists. he didn't exactly know why he was so angry. he just felt as if everything and everyone around him was so wrong, and he hated the way it affected everything else. first, the incident two months ago, then everyone else drifting apart, now both jeongin and minho have attempted to end their lives. hyunjin was so angry with everything that has been happening to all of them, and he didn't know how to properly put his anger out. 

a soft knock then came from the door. jisung stood from his seat while hyunjin walked towards the door to open it. 

"oho, great," hyunjin laughed bitterly, pulling the door open. "now we'll have answers. come inside, mr. _lee minho_. come and see the mess you've done." 

"hyunjin, shut up!" seungmin yelled. 

there was a silence that filled the room as minho slowly closed the door behind him. his cheeks were stained red, his eyes were puffy, his hands were shaking, his uniform was messy, and his hair was out of place. 

he ignored the four friends who were standing silently and ran towards jeongin's bed. he crouched down, holding the younger boy's hand. the felt the coldness in jeongin's hand, and slowly twisted the ring he always wore on his index finger. " _stupid_ , innie," he whispered, head low. "i told you, i told you not to."

"i'm so stupid," he continued. "who was i to let you do things on your own like that." 

as minho cried by jeongin's bed, chan and seungmin walked towards him, rubbing his back. seungmin sat at the edge of jeongin's bed and took in the sight in front of his eyes. the last time he saw minho cry was the incident. minho wasn't one to cry because of simple things. he was naturally brave and strong. 

"hyung," seungmin started. "i don't want to be the one to tell you this but… mrs. yang doesn't want to see you near him anymore.." 

minho stayed silent as he looked at the bandages on both of jeongin's arms. he choked back his sobs as he realized what the younger boy had done to himself. he saw the position of the bandages, and that only meant one thing. 

jeongin did what he was told not to. 

after a while, chan spoke up. "minho, come on. i'll get you some water—" 

"i deserve to die," minho said. "this is supposed to happen to _me_ , not him." 

"minnie," hyunjin suddenly spoke up. 

the door once again reopened and jeongin's mom stepped inside, with two plastic bags in her hands. she looked up, her red, tear-stained eyes scanning the room full of new visitors. 

seungmin stood from jeongin's bed and walked over to his mom to help her with the plastic bags. "mrs. yang, chan hyung, minho hyung and jisung a-are here to visit jeonginie." 

mrs. yang, held onto seungmin's arm as he escorted her towards one of the chairs. "c-can you please leave now?" she asked seungmin. "i-i think i'll manage." 

"i-i can stay," seungmin said. "my mom won't mind, really." 

"no, seungmin," she said, patting his arm. "you need rest. i think all of you need rest." 

seungmin turned towards his friends who were all looking at his direction. "i think we should go." 

after saying their goodbyes to jeongin's mom, hyunjin, seungmin, minho, chan, and jisung all stood silently under the night sky at the hospital's parking lot. 

"i can't lose someone else," chan said, putting a hand on the back of the pickup. "this can't happen to us again." 

"i'm scared," jisung said, running the pendant of his necklace back and forth on its chain. "all of this is scaring me." 

seungmin kicked a rock and sighed. "i want to go home." 

"come on, then," chan said. "i'll drive you guys home." 

"i'm not getting in a car with _him_ ," hyunjin said as he pointed his finger at minho. "hyung, you were supposed to be _helping_ jeongin. you were supposed to help him get better. you knew he chose to spend time with you out of all of us… you knew how vulnerable he could get. how could you let this happen to him?" 

"stop it, hyunjin," minho said, pressing his hands against his ears. "i _know_ i was wrong. i know i'm the worst person to live. i know i should die, and i've been trying to! but i never wanted this for him." 

"don't say that," seungmin said, shaking his head. "don't say you've been trying to die, minho hyung. i don't like that." 

"but i have, seungmin," minho gave the younger boy a sad smile. "i'm not as healthy as you all think i am. i'm not as strong as you think i am. i wasn't even able to save _him_. how am i going to save myself _or_ other people?" 

there was another silence between the five friends. "go ahead," minho turned to chan, "go take them home. i'll be fine." 

chan shook his head. "i'm not letting any of you go this time," he said. "hyunjin can go shotgun, and the three of you at the back. i'll make sure all of you get home safely." 

jisung's phone suddenly dinged, and he dug it out of his pocket to check the new message. 

**felix**  
_sorry i couldn't visit jeonginie today. i'll go tomorrow._

**jisung**  
_don't worry lix. take the time you need. we miss you, though. they all do._

**felix**  
_haha. idk what you guys are talking abt. i've been here all along._

before jisung could reply, chan had signaled them to get inside the car, making sure hyunjin gets in the passenger seat first. jisung wasn't exactly sure about felix's situation. sometimes, he'd be there, and sometimes, they'd hear nothing from the australian. 

the ride home was quiet. the only sound came from the car's speakers as it played music from chan's playlist. jisung hated the idea of his sudden happiness being the calm before the storm. he didn't want anyone to be angry anymore. he wanted to let things go, even though he didn't want to. 

after all, change will always be inevitable one way or another. 


	19. clé 3: seungmin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which seungmin gets ready to visit jeongin, and changbin realizes what he should do next.

**_19 — CLÉ 3: SEUNGMIN_ **

he debated whether or not to enter seungmin's house. he wasn't even sure if he was home, but he wanted to check up on him. it was midafternoon, and changbin wanted to get out of the sun soon.

he stood in front of seungmin's house for a few more minutes, thinking it was probably not a good time to talk to him. but, he thought, when will it ever be a good time?

he knocked on the front door and waited. after a few moments, the door gently swung open as seungmin's mother stood behind it.

"hi, mrs. kim," changbin said. "i-is seungmin home?"

"are you one of his friends?" she asked. "are you that boy he was with that night at the holding cell?"

changbin knit his eyebrows. "uh, no ma'am," he answered. "i've never actually _been_ in one."

seungmin's mom studied changbin before finally letting him inside. as he stepped in, mrs. kim closed the door. "he's upstairs," she said. "i'm not sure how close you both are but you seem okay. at least, i hope you are."

changbin nodded, giving her a small smile. "don't worry, mrs. kim. i worry about him as much you do."

with that, changbin made his way to seungmin's room. it wasn't hard to locate the younger boy's room because his door had a big **SEUNGMIN** on it. changbin knocked as he thought of the many things he wasn't sure to tell him.

a few moments later, seungmin finally opened the door, a toothbrush hanging from his mouth. he raised his eyebrows at changbin, and let the latter inside.

" _whare you doing hurr?_ " seungmin asked as he brushed. he made his way back into his bathroom and came out a few moments later as he wiped his mouth with a towel.

"he's doing okay now," seungmin said, making his way to the bed. "if that's what you want to know."

changbin walked towards him. "well, i'm glad about that. but i really came here to check up on you."

seungmin sighed. "hyung, i'm _okay_. i really am. i've been hanging out with other people for a while, and i'm happy."

"i know you are," changbin said, sitting on the floor, leaning his back on the bed. "hyunjin's been telling me about it. he's going crazy, you know. you're not hanging out with him, you're pushing us away… i'm not trying to guilt trip you but—"

"it's the only way i can forget about it," seungmin interrupted. "the more i hang out with any of you, the more guilty i feel. i chose to hang out with other people for a while because well, it's hard to tell what's missing when nothing's familiar. i didn't want to remember the way things became different, seeing him become quieter like he was telling us he wanted to be silent forever. i should have noticed, hyung.. but i didn't. i was too caught up with my feelings for hyunjin. all i focused on was him and school."

"minnie—"

"and then _this_ happened to jeongin… i'm the closest to him and i let this happen. he said he was going to avoid us for a while, and i thought it was the right thing to do. what i _didn't_ know was that his kind of avoiding was dangerous. he was planning to _die_ , hyung. and i wasn't there for him."

the two of them sat in silence for a while. the only thing changbin could hear was seungmin's ac whirring. he noticed the cans of spray paint that were cluttered in one corner of the room.

he was frustrated that seungmin kept blaming himself for everything that happened. he hated that seungmin thought he was selfish for not noticing when in reality, everyone didn't notice. it wasn't his fault.

"minnie," changbin said, facing him. "i'm not letting it happen to us again. i promise you that. but i need you to be strong. i need you to be able to tell yourself that none of this is your fault. not even what happened to him. we're in this together, seungmin. chan is always there to guide you—us. and hyunjin will be there for you. don't be too hard on yourself, please. i know i'm probably the last person you want to see right now, but i care of you. we _all_ do."

"i just need to know that he's really okay," seungmin said. "like, i see him every now and then but he acts as if nothing wrong happened… especially towards me. i've seen him scold hyunjin, but when he's with me, everything is alright. i need to know that it's true."

"it is," changbin said, this time sitting on the bed next to seungmin. "the only reason he scolds hyunjin is to bring him back to reality. that it _is_ okay now. i believe he is okay. he's happier."

seungmin sighed. "i just need to hear it from him even though i'm not sure if i ever will."

"and if you do, will you be able to forgive yourself?"

seungmin stayed silent for a few minutes. he knew changbin meant well. he knew that blaming himself won't change anything, and it wouldn't help jeongin's situation either.

beneath the happiness he had been feeling lately, he knew the sadness still lingered. he felt the heavy energy every time he stepped in his room, every time he had rehearsals, every time he saw any of his friends.

all seungmin wanted was to be reassured that he was happy, and that he forgives him.

seungmin sighed and nodded slowly. "i care for you guys so much. i've never felt this kind of love for friends before. i'd give you guys anything."

changbin smiled. "yeah, buddy. we know you would. that's why you're so important. we want you back, seungmin."

"i guess if i see him again, i'll ask him if he's really happy, if he forgives me. and if he does… i think i'll really be okay."

"really?" changbin asked. "you really will be?"

seungmin smiled and playfully punched changbin's muscular arm, earning an "ow!" from him. "yeah, hyung. i will be."

changbin gave him a thumbs up. "thanks, seungmin."

"now get out, i have to shower," seungmin said, standing and making his way back into the bathroom.

"huh? why? where are you going?" changbin said, following him. "can't you see we're having a _hyung-donsaeng_ heart-to-heart talk right now?"

seungmin laughed. "no we're not." he pushed changbin out of the bathroom. "i'm getting ready to visit jeonginie."

"oh," changbin said. "you think i could go?"

seungmin raised an eyebrow. "you sure you're not going to interrogate him too when we get there?"

changbin put a hand on his chest. "i did _not_ interrogate you!"

"you kinda did."

"that was called checking up on you."

"whatever, just wait for me, then." seungmin then shut the door in changbin's face.

defeated, the older boy walked back to seungmin's bed and plopped down on it, letting the faint smell of seungmin's perfume attach to his clothes. changbin's eyes scanned the room. seungmin had always been a diligent student like minho. he had sticky notes stuck on his mirror, his school bag sat on his desk chair, three notebooks hanging out of it.

it was when changbin's eyes landed on the keychains hanging from seungmin's backpack that he realized something that made his heart jump. he immediately sat up, eyes wide.

"forgiveness," he whispered to himself. "if seungmin hears that he's been forgiven, he'll be okay again. he'll start to be happy again. he'll… he'll come back to us.."

changbin stood as he fished for his phone in his pocket. he typed away his message as he paced back and forth in seungmin's room.

**changbin**  
_chan. i found the key. i found seungmin's key!!!!!!!!!!!_

**jisung**  
_you lost seungmin's key? to what?_

**changbin**  
_dumbo, the keys! the one we talked about_

**jisung**  
_ohhhh right right_

**chan**  
_binnie what is it. you're with seungmin? how'd you get it?? what's the key?_

**changbin**  
_yea gonna visit innie today with him  
his key—damn i'm such a genius_

**jisung**  
_okay mr. genius just spit it out_

**changbin**  
_seungmin said that if he's forgiven by _him_ for what happened, even though we know it isn't his fault, he'll finally be okay._

_it's forgiveness!! the key to seungmin's locked door is forgiveness._


	20. the invitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which minho is invited to the trip, and jisung meets a new face.

**_20 — THE INVITATION_ **

"i'm serious! our break's almost here and maybe, _just_ maybe we could do it, you know? one night, two days is all i ask for."

"jeongin could barely even move his arms and you're planning something like this _now?_ "

jisung rolled his eyes as he plopped down on minho's couch. "c'mon, jeongin's a brave kid."

"yeah, but that doesn't mean you should push his limits, jisung," the older boy said, running a hand through his hair. "and do you really think hyunjin'll want to be in the same vehicle with me?"

"he can go shotgun again?"

minho groaned. "ah, you're so stubborn! does chan even know about this? what are we going to ride? and where are we going anyway?"

jisung raised his index finger. "uh-uh, one by one please."

"fine! does chan know about this?"

jisung nodded.

"and he _agreed_?"

he nodded again. minho sighed, sitting down beside jisung.

"and that'll obviously answer your second question," jisung said. "we're going to take chan hyung's pickup."

"it's his dad's."

"yeah whatever, your last question?"

it was minho's turn to roll his eyes. "where are we going to go?"

it took a moment for jisung to gather his thoughts. where could they go that isn't too far or too near from where they live? he barely went anywhere besides school, the occasional gig, and the apartment he shared with chan.

"chan hyung." he smiled innocently.

"you're kidding me," minho said. "you wanna go on a trip and you don't even know where to _go_?"

"i said chan hyung!" jisung exclaimed. "he'll know where to go!"

minho shook his head, standing up. he started walking towards the kitchen. "i'm not having this, jisung!" he called. "your plan isn't solid enough!"

jisung got up and followed his older friend. "hyung, come oooon. changbin will be there!"

"yeah, four people don't complete us," minho said as he pulled open the fridge. he took out an apple and tossed it to jisung who effortlessly caught it. "besides, where are you gonna find felix?"

jisung stood from the dining chair to wash the apple in minho's kitchen sink. "i'll deal with that. i just need you to agree to come."

minho shook his head. "no. hard pass. jisung, i have to catch up on my classes."

"it'll be a weekend," jisung said, taking a bite from the apple. "hyung. if seungmin comes, hyunjin will come, vice versa. that leaves you."

minho could do nothing but watch the bits of the apple falling out of jisung's mouth as he talked. "and how do you even know jeongin'll go?" minho raised his eyebrow. "i can't face him yet. not after what happened."

"he doesn't hate you," jisung said. "he even wants to apologize to you for uh… breaking the promise."

 _right_ , minho thought. he remembered making jeongin promise not to do anything without him supervising. but the fact that despite being in the hosptial and jeongin still wanted to apologize to him even made minho feel more guilty.

"and how are you here?" minho asked jisung. "why don't _you_ hate me for what happened to him?"

jisung shrugged. "both you and jeongin are wrong, i know. but when he did that, it was his choice. he _chose_ to do that. you didn't even know he was going to do it. sure, you encouraged him, but he made a promise to you. he broke it… besides, i don't think any of us should play clean. we've all been at rock bottom ever since… you know."

minho quickly dismissed the topic. he didn't want to hear any of it anymore. it had been over an hour since jisung started to convince him about a trip he semi-planned with chan. he didn't get why they'd want to go anywhere in their situation: jeongin wasn't in the right shape, and not everyone got along with each other anymore.

"i guess we gotta show jeongin that we're strong, too, y'know?" jisung continued. he started to fiddle with one of the spoons on minho's counter. "i wanna show him that we're still okay, that we're still here."

minho sighed. _god, i'm going to dread this_ , he thought. "fine. only if everyone else is going."

he wasn't sure, but it was like jisung's face lit up and sparkled when he smiled, hearing minho's response. "hyung! you're the best!" the younger boy walked towards him for a hug, which minho immediately reciprocated. he missed being able to hug his younger friends. it always seemed to soften his heart.

"i'm not the best, you 'lil shit," minho said, ruffling jisung's hair. "someone almost died because of me."

"uh-uh, none of that here," jisung said as he pulled away. "thanks, minho."

as jisung and minho walked back towards the living area, the doorbell rang.

jisung shrugged, walking towards the door. "maybe it's chan hyung."

"i don't think—"

jisung unlocked the door and pulled it open. it wasn't chan who was waiting outside. it wasn't changbin either. in fact, it wasn't even a _guy_. her dyed blonde hair was tied up in a tight bun, a blue sweater hanging loosely on her torso.

dahyun smiled a jisung and looked over him. "hey, lee minho! ready for that project?"

jisung turned towards minho, wiggling his eyebrows. he turned back to dahyun, putting his hand out. "hello, i'm han jisung," he said. "are you minho hyung's girlfriend?"

dahyun smiled and shook his hand. "kim dahyun, and no, i'm not. i'm his _partner_." she winked.

jisung gasped, looking back at minho. "hyung! you're living _together_?"

minho groaned, walking towards jisung. he pushed the younger boy aside to let dahyun in. "no, you dimwit. partners in class."

dahyun laughed. "your friend's funny."

"no, he's annoying," minho said, closing the door. "anyway, yeah, the project. it's in my room."

jisung's eyes followed dahyun and minho as they both made their way into his room. "hey!" he called. "none of that here!"

"shush your mouth!" minho exclaimed, rushing out of the room again. "i don't wanna get any noise complaints because of you, jisung."

jisung laughed as he walked towards minho's room as well. he missed teasing his older friend. he used to be fond of him, the fondness seungmin has for hyunjin, but it didn't last very long. he decided it was better to stay friends with minho.

as he walked inside the room, dahyun was seated on the floor, putting labels on the hand model that was made of styrofoam. minho was at his desk, picking up more things for the project. jisung decided it was time to leave. besides, he thought, at least minho had company.

"hey, hyung, i'll be on my way," jisung said.

minho turned to jisung and gave him a small nod. "thanks, jisung."

"bye funny friend!" dahyun chirped.

jisung waved his goodbye, and gave minho one last look. "hyung, you promise to go, alright? i'll see you soon."


	21. the confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which chan remains confused, and an important character ignites a new flame.

**_21 — THE CONFUSION_ **

chan was relieved that he was making progress in school. he was finished with most of his requirements, and he only had two shifts left for the week. all he had to do was the wait for the weekend, and the perfect time to meet with his other friends to think of how they'll be able to make jeongin come with them in their plan.

it was probably selfish, chan thought, to ask jeongin to exert energy after what happened to him. but he had a feeling that jeongin didn't even want to stay in bed.

he sat behind the counter as mina, one of his workmates, packed her things beside him.

"you know what, it feels great to know that they really care for me," she said, zipping up her bag.

"huh?"

"my friends," she said. "my anxiety's been getting bad lately, so after nayeon helped me get this job, it kinda helped me control it... if that makes sense."

chan wasn't sure why mina was sharing this information with him, but it felt good to feel trusted. he nodded. "it makes sense. i have a friend… jisung," he sighed, "he doesn't show it. he never does, but at home, he cries sometimes, and i have to stay by him until he calms down."

"i guess we're both lucky to have good friends like you," mina smiled, picking up her bag. "i'll be going, chan. you take care."

chan waved goodbye, and as mina pushed the door open, someone appeared and held it for her. she gave him a small nod and muttered a 'thank you' before walking away. chan smiled as the person entered the store.

"yo," he laughed, "where've you been?"

woojin shrugged as he made his way to the counter. "i don't know, really," he said, leaning against it. "just found myself walking here."

"you think you could come with us?" chan asked. "we're planning to go somewhere in the weekend. i'm not sure where but like, the water, the air, it's calling me."

they both shared a laugh.

"i'd love to come," woojin said. "anywhere with you guys is always the best choice."

chan raised his eyebrows. "you should tell jeongin that."

woojin's smile wavered. "i heard… i haven't talked to him."

"it's okay," chan said. "maybe in the weekend, when we're all complete."

"you know the bigass pier at the end of town?" woojin asked. "we can go there. i heard it's windy."

"sure, that's pretty far but i guess we'll go. any news from felix?" chan's smile turned into a frown. "i think it's about time he showed up. i think he's the only other person hyunjin isn't mad at besides me and changbin."

woojin gave chan the slightest smile before pulling out his phone from his pocket, and started typing. it took a short while before chan's phone dinged.

the australian fished it out of his back pocket to check the notification.

**yongbokie**  
_i'm doing perfectly fine hyung. see you on saturday : >_

"i'm not sure what's happening really," woojin said as he placed his phone back in his pocket. "but i have a feeling something life changing will be happening soon."

chan's eyes were still glued to his phone, overwhlemed by the fact that felix has finally reached out to him. when chan looked up, woojin was no longer in front of him.

**-•3•-**

meanwhile, in the dance room at the left wing of the school building, hyunjin sat alone on the floor. the lights were on, the music softly played in the background, and the bottle of water was half empty beside him.

he sighed, not really knowing what to do. it was long past dance practice. he knew everyone had gone home at this hour.

_"hwang hyunjin! have you not been practicing these past weeks!? how sure are you that i'll approve for your scholarship next year if your performance is like this?"_

hyunjin chose to say nothing. if it was anything, he was sure his new smoking habit was affecting his performance badly. he decided that if he was throwing his life away, he wasn't giving up his dancing. _anything_ but his dancing.

"fuck," he muttered, downing the remaining content of his water bottle. he stood up, and walked over to the stereo. as he skipped through the music, he felt a tap on his shoulder.

"hey, hyunjin."

he jumped, getting startled by the sudden deep voice coming from behind him. he turned, eyes wide.

"felix!" hyunjin exclaimed, engulfing the boy in a hug.

"ow!" felix said. "too tight!"

hyunjin ignored felix's complaints and continued to hug him, weighing him down in the process until they were both on the floor.

"ow, jinnie!" felix said. "please, i need to breathe."

"lee yongbok!" hyunjin yelled, finally letting go. the older boy sat up and stared at the australian. "where! the hell! have you been!"

"woah okay!" felix put his arms up in surrender. "easy—"

"no!" hyunjin said. "you tell me where you've been, young man. i've been looking everywhere for you! you're not answering our texts or calls, you're inactive in the group chat, you're not even at your house like, are you doing something we don't know!?"

felix laughed. it was confusing to him. why were they looking for him when he was there all along? he witnessed hyunjin being scolded, he knew about jeongin's constant escape to minho's place, he knew about the pills jeongin took from minho. it was blurry in his mind but he was sure he knew about all of those things. he just somehow kept quiet about it.

"hyunjin, relax," felix said. "i know how worried you guys are about me, but you know me! i'm a happy boy. i don't like it when i'm sad. i don't like it when you guys are sad."

"but how come we never saw you anywhere?" hyunjin asked, crossing his legs.

felix shook his head. "i don't know? i mean, i text jisung every now and then?"

"b-but…"

"jinnie, don't think about it too much," felix said. "don't… open up to anyone that you saw me already."

"i…," hyunjin looked away, slightly shaking his head. "i don't understand."

"trust me," felix said, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder. "it'll all make sense in the weekend. now, get up. we have a routine to practice."

he helped hyunjin to his feet, and walked to the stereo. "better get our ace dancer back on track before evaluation day."

hyunjin scoffed. "ace my ass," he said, getting into position in front of the mirror. "have you _seen_ hwang yeji?"

felix nodded, standing beside him. "sure, she's the ace for the girls. you know people call you the hwang siblings, right?"

hyunjin laughed. "we're not even related."

"yeah, but they think you look alike and you're both good at dancing so i'm not complaining."

"whatever," hyunjin smiled. "you talk like _you're_ not good at it."

felix tilted his head, making a balancing gesture with his left hand. "mmm, i'm so-so."

"oh look who's humble," hyunjin smirked.

"i'm telling the truth!"

"shut up and wait for the music, lee."

and so the two friends spent the rest of their time practicing the routine hyunjin wasn't done with yet. felix was always in awe of how fast hyunjin could follow and learn the steps. one thing that made felix feel nostalgic was the ambience. he used to practice in the same room with both minho and hyunjin two years ago.

another thing that made felix feel nostalgic was the fact that there was no tint of anger in hyunjin's voice. he didn't make any annoyed remark. he didn't talk about the incident nor did he complain about anything besides felix and his corny jokes.

felix loved this hyunjin. it was fresh, lively, and happy.

he wanted this hyunjin to stay.


	22. the decision

**_22 — THE DECISION_ **

_"he looks so pale."_

_"is he okay?"_

_"yo, i can literally see the bandage hanging from his arm."_

_"he changed so much."_

jeongin ignored the comments the other students were giving him. he was used to it. it had already been almost three months since the incident and he heard nothing but comments about him or his friends in those agonizing weeks.

he entered his classroom and sat on the chair in the far left, right by the window. he made sure to wear a larger hoodie for today just to make sure he kept his bandages safe. it hurt to write since he had to lean on his arm to do it, but jeongin didn't mind.

 _it's my fault anyway_ , he thought.

he sat through class the rest of the day, silently. he made sure to make no contact with any of his classmates, and only answered the teacher's questions when he was called.

it kept replaying in his mind, that night of his attempt. he remembered the dark, scary color red that was gushing out of him, the feeling of losing his breath as he tried to dry off the blood from his arms, the searing pain he felt when he let the blade slide across his own skin, the voices he heard that first night at the hospital—his mom's, seungmin's, chan's, hyunjin's. he wasn't able to make out all the voices but he knew his friends were there.

and part of him was relieved. the voices of his friends felt like home. it was the first time most of them were all in the same room, and jeongin felt safe. he felt safer than when he was alone in his bathroom. his friends' presence made his body respond fast to the medications that were given to him. maybe it's a placebo effect, he thought, but at least he knew he felt okay.

after class, he headed straight for the hideout. he wasn't sure if he'd find hyunjin, changbin, jisung, seungmin, or even felix there. he decided that at this point, it didn't matter. hiding from his friends or cutting them off won't do anything anymore. they already saw his vulnerable side in that hospital bed.

as his footsteps made crunch sounds in the ground, he looked up to see that their hideout was empty. he sighed, slightly disappointed. he thought he was going to see at least one of them today. maybe not.

he rounded the bench, and sat at the corner, looking at the stretch of trees in front of him. the late afternoon sun peeked in between the trees, and it made jeongin feel nostalgic. he loved hanging out with his friends at this time of the day when their classes were finished, and when everyone was tired and sweaty.

"jeongin?"

he slowly turned his head towards the voice. standing a couple meters away from the entrance of their hideout was the person he had trusted for the past three months, the person he relied on most in times of sadness and confusion, the person who took good care of him, and the person whom he wanted to apologize to the most.

jeongin's breath hitched as he choked back a sob. "m-minho hyung."

the older boy put his arms out for a hug which jeongin immediately responded as he jumped from the bench and ran to him. he hugged minho tightly, not even caring if his wounds hurt at the pressure. "h-hyung i'm so sorry," he sobbed. "i tried to.. i didn't want—but it—i—"

"sshhhh," minho said, stroking his younger friend's hair. "don't cry, jeongin."

"b-but i broke my promise," jeongin sniffed, pulling away. he started wiping his tears with his palm. "you weren't there and you said i couldn't do it if you weren't there! and… and i did it the wrong way—the bad way—"

"jeongin," minho sighed, leading him back to the bench. "come on, sit down."

after a few minutes of calming jeongin down, which involved a lot of listening and reassuring him that it was okay, the tears stopped flowing down his cheeks. the duo sat in silence next to each other. jeongin was still sniffing and wiping his nose with tissue when minho finally spoke.

"i know how toxic i've been to you guys," he said. "and i admit to it. i'm sorry for not guiding you well, jeongin. i should've done better. but i'm still very lost, innie. i don't know what should happen to make me feel better."

jeongin stayed silent. he didn't know what to tell minho. he wasn't sure what minho wanted to hear. all he knew was that minho was here, probably looking for some company.

"you probably thought changbin or hyunjin were here," jeongin said.

"changbin, maybe. but hyunjin? i was _praying_ he wasn't here," minho sighed, propping up his foot on the bench. "after what happened to you, he stopped talking to me. he stopped asking for cigarettes. he was so angry. he was blaming me for what happened. i couldn't get mad at him for it. ever since… woojin… hyunjin has become silent, angry, suspicious."

jeongin turned at the mention of woojin's name. he hasn't talked to woojin in a long time. he thought maybe it was because of him shutting everyone out. but it couldn't be. woojin was always there when he least expected it. now it was like woojin wasn't there at all. he didn't want to believe that.

"i haven't spoken to anyone in a long while…"

minho turned his head towards jeongin, looking him in the eye. "then i guess it's time to come with us again."

"come with you?"

minho sighed, turning to the trees. "jisung and chan… they're planning to go on a road trip in the weekend. something about reuniting us all. i told jisung you couldn't go because... of that," he gestured towards jeongin's arms, "i said you needed rest."

"and my mom…"

"i told him that i'm going if everyone does, even if that means sitting in a car with hyunjin."

jeongin nodded. he wasn't sure how they would be complete. they haven't even seen felix anywhere.

"i'm not forcing you to go, innie," minho said, finally standing up. "but it seems like jisung and chan are up to something. if it has anything to do with this broken friendship, i'll be more than willing to help out."

the two boys finally decided to leave the hideout since it was getting dark. it was the first time in a long time that minho was out with jeongin. he wanted to invite the younger boy for dinner—not in his apartment (minho was convinced it might bring back memories to jeongin)—but the younger boy's mother was waiting by the main building.

"tell your mom i'm very sorry," minho said. "i know she's upset with me."

jeongin cracked the slightest smile. "i miss you, hyung. i miss the real you."

with that, jeongin turned on his heel and walked towards his mother.

in the monochrome life minho had been living the past weeks, it felt like jeongin's little smile had splashed a little color in it, and he was relieved to have a little pigment in his life again.

minho decided that, despite still looking for what he wanted to happen, he would take little steps to making his own life a little bit better.

 _if i want to save my friends this time,_ he thought, _i think it's time to start saving myself._

after the road trip, if he ever decides to go, he was going to check himself in at a rehabilitation center. it was the only way for him, and he would rather spend time in there than in his cold, dark apartment trying to end his own life. 

he started to walk down the sidewalk, trying to avoid eye contact with any of the students.

_"it's minho—"_

_"wait, why is he here?"_

_"minho hyung?"_

_ah,_ he thought, this is what the kids experience in school now.

he continued to ignore the small amount of comments from some of the students, although he couldn't dodge the piercing stares they were giving him.

at the end of the sidewalk, he finally looked up and was only greeted with the weirdest sight he had seen in a while.

hyunjin stood there on his phone, leaning his weight on his left side, next to two other people. he then looked at one of his friends and laughed. minho was surprised. hyunjin never laughed anymore. hyunjin never smiled anymore.

then it got weirder for minho. the person who made hyunjin laugh was the same person who made everyone in their group laugh. it was the person who made the weirdest jokes, learned the weirdest things on the internet, had a black belt in taekwondo, and most of all, the person they've all been looking for the past three months.

laughing alongside hyunjin was their other australian friend, the other person minho used to dance with, lee felix.


	23. the foundation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which the group's foundation is fully motivated, but something changes their plan.

**_23 — THE FOUNDATION_ **

he walked around in his room, looking for things to pack for their road trip on the weekend. at first, he wasn't keen about the idea of them all driving far from the main city. it didn't seem right to him.

 _"you guys' keys are being used in this plan,"_ chan had told him. _"jisung needs new memories to make, and you, binnie, you need us. i know you do. and while i have you, bright and functioning, i'm not gonna let you slip into that darkness anymore. you've been happier lately ever since we've been hanging out again with the others."_

changbin had no other choice but to agree with chan. he was right, after all. changbin was finally getting what he had always wanted—to get together with all of them once again. it was going to be a hard process considering the anger hyunjin had towards minho, woojin, and even jisung, but he was willing to help hyunjin in getting better day by day.

 _"yeah, fine, and seungmin's key,"_ he told chan. _"he needs to hear woojin say that he forgives him. if that happens during our trip, we'll only have to find minho's, jinnie's, jeongin's, and felix's keys."_

jisung didn't understand seungmin's key.

_"b-but how would he hear that from him…?"_

chan and changbin decided not to expand the situation. they weren't sure how jisung didn't understand. has he never seen woojin? never talked to him?

changbin sighed, sitting beside his backpack on the bed. they weren't going to be gone for long so he decided not to pack too much.

"chan's dad was right," he muttered to himself. "maybe going somewhere would be great for the boys. it'd be nice to have fun again."

**-•3•-**

meanwhile, in the apartment he shared with chan, jisung sat at his desk in his room, a blank piece of paper staring back at him.

he tried steadying his breath. there were too many people crowding up around him at school today because of their curiousity about what happened to his younger friend.

_"did you see him do it?"_

_"what'd he say when you visited him?"_

_"what if he does it again?"_

he hated being in crowded places. he hated it when people were pushed up against him. most of all, he hated being pressured to answer questions he knew he couldn't give answers to. in school that day, all three of those things were done to him.

it was a pain to go home, too, since chan was at school even after his classes were dismissed. that meant jisung had to go home alone. the younger boy then spent most of his time pacing back and forth in the apartment before convincing himself that he had to go to his room to try and calm himself down.

jisung was not open about his anxiety. the only people who really knew about it was chan and changbin. he hated what it did to him. it made him unproductive, it made him stuck in a stupor, it made him feel useless, especially during the attacks.

he wanted to break free from the chains his anxiety tied him with. he wanted it to rest, and never come back in his life.

to fight it, he usually did everything he could to stay distracted. he tried multiple devices to calm his fidgeting, he tried drawing, writing. some days, it would work perfectly, resulting in artworks and new songs. but in some days, he wasn't as lucky. the pile of unfinished songs in one of his drawers was increasing, the unfinished drawings were folded and kept in a box under his bed.

he wanted to rest from the anxiety that was eating up his brain. he wanted to go on a vacation where all he could possibly be is carefree and happy. he wanted to fully experience the ideal sunshine he had always wished for.

a sunshine that would never be covered by clouds.

after taking his medicine, jisung decided that he was going to be excited for the road trip. it was the only thing that was motivating him. besides, he had been working hard during school days to finish all his schoolwork so he thought he deserved it.

most of all, he decided that he won't ever let his anxiety hinder him from living the life he wanted. jisung wanted to be happy. he wanted to make memories with his friends, write songs, and maybe even produce songs in the future.

jisung knew he was doing well, and he wanted it to stay that way.

in the room next to jisung's, chan sat on his bed, staring at the picture frame hyunjin had given him. it was hard to believe it had been more than a month since he had the picture frame in his room. all their smiles in the photo seemed to radiate a sad energy that chan didn't seem to like.

his plan was to have another photo of them taken, maybe in the weekend, he thought, so that he'd be able to give back to hyunjin.

chan knew he had to stand taller for his friends now. he knew how everyone depended on him, trusted him, and he hoped the weekend would bring newfound smiles in the faces of his friends.

slowly, he was starting to accept the truth, but he wasn't quite ready to admit it yet. 

he felt the burden on his shoulders. and every time something bad happened to any of his friends, a new weight added up. now, he was convinced that changbin and jisung were helping him carry the weight. and he was thankful for the two of them.

despite being younger than he was, changbin and jisung were matured. chan knew how hardworking they were. he knew how caring and thoughtful they were.

he decided to stand from his bed and walk out of his room. it had been quiet in the apartment for a few days compared to the week before when changbin would visit.

the living room was empty and the lights were dimmed. the kitchen was quiet; the only sound came from the humming of the refrigerator.

chan walked towards one of the cabinets and pulled out a ramen cup.

"late night snack?"

he turned around to see jisung barefoot, in his pajamas.

"it's 10:28," chan laughed, "you want some?"

jisung shook his head, switching the light on in the kitchen, making chan squint at the sudden brightness. "say, do you have anything to do on friday night?"

"friday night?" chan asked as he turned the stove on. "nothing, but we leave on saturday, remember?"

jisung sat by the counter and shrugged. "yeah but like, i got a text from jeongin."

"innie?"

"yep," the younger boy pulled out his phone. "the message says, 'minho hyung and i talked. can we leave friday night?'"

chan was taken aback. he was right about jeongin not wanting to stay in bed, but he didn't expect him to want to go earlier. and what did he tell his mom to make her allow him to go?

"there's more " jisung said, "'i already told my mom. i lied to her, saying we have a school camp activity.'"

"oh no," chan groaned. he walked over to jisung and sat on one of the chairs. " _no, no, no, jeongiiiiin._ "

jisung pursed his lips. "i wonder why he'd do that without even asking if we could go on friday."

"if his mom finds out about this, she'll probably transfer him to a new school," chan said. "she'll keep him away from us."

jisung shrugged. "we have to ask the others right away," he said. "it's in like, two days."

"did you ask jeongin why he wanted to go earlier?" chan asked.

"i'll show you," jisung said, handing the phone to chan. "he said something."

**jeonginie**  
_minho hyung and i talked. can we leave friday night?_

**jisung**  
_did he tell you that? jeongin, we leave saturday though._

**jeonginie**  
_jisung i already told my mom. i lied to her saying we have a school camp activity_

**jisung**  
_innie. i have to ask chan hyung and the others. i'm really glad you wanna go but the schedule.._

**jeonginie**  
_hyung. please. i can't wait for saturday. my mom talked to me on the way home today… she's sending me off… she said it's for me to get better so no. i can't wait for saturday, hyung._

chan looked at jisung. "she's… sending him off?"

"rehab," jisung said. "i'm not sure when, though."

"and he lies to her _now?_ " chan exhaled.

jisung shifted in his seat. "i think he's doing it as a final rebellious act, if that makes sense. it's so _stupid_ and i have no idea what's up with him, you know? but i kinda understand him. i think jeongin does want to see us all together. but this time, he's doing it before he's gone."

"you think the others know about this yet?" chan asked.

"maybe seungmin or minho," jisung said. "maybe even changbin."

"you think we could gather everyone tomorrow?" 

"hyunjin will be a pain," jisung groaned.

"if seungmin comes, jinnie will," chan shrugged, "easy."

jisung exhaled loudly and stood up to stretch. "well, i'll text everyone tonight," he said, turning around. "good night, hyung."

"thanks jisung. good night."

jisung started walking back to his room, but before he could open the door, he turned towards the kitchen where chan was still sitting in his chair. "hyung, by the way," he called.

"what?"

"your water's boiling," he laughed.

"oh shit—"


	24. the start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which jeongin continues to lie, hyunjin knows what's up with minho, and minho is fed up with hyunjin
> 
> **PART III — the wind has arrived,  
>  all hands on deck.  
> they must endure the strong current,  
> with the bond they must not forget.  
> when the perilous storm  
> arrives at a calm,  
> their worries and pain  
> must all be gone.**

**_24 — THE START_ **

"ow, jisung get off of me!" seungmin exclaimed as the squirrel looking boy jumped on his back.

"i'm just _soooooo_ happy that you're here!" jisung exclaimed.

"hey, jisung, stop it," hyunjin chided. "you're gonna hurt his back."

jisung sighed, jumping off of seungmin, who immediately stretched and rubbed the back of his neck. "geez, hyunjin, we just got here and—"

"alright, you two, shut up," changbin interrupted. "unless you want to get locked in the car together until whatever this is is done."

"i had to lie to my mom about camp meeting today," jeongin muttered.

"where's minho hyung and chan hyung?" seungmin asked.

the five friends walked together in the middle of the park at the han river. it was one of their usual spots so jisung decided that they could all meet up there. the air was cool, the sun was going down, and they could spend time sitting on the grass talking about all the things they wanted to do during their grand road trip.

hyunjin stopped at a certain spot and laid out the blanket changbin had brought for them to sit on.

"school," jisung answered, sitting on one corner of the blanket. "they'll be here in a few minutes. told me they were just finishing things. man, life after high school is hard."

changbin scoffed. "tell me about it. i don't wanna graduate yet." he put his head in his hands.

"yeah, hyung, but at least you'll be more free?" jeongin said, arms wrapped tightly around himself.

changbin noticed his struggle so he took his jacket off and offered it to his younger friend. "don't do that... your arms," he groaned, shaking his head, "free, yeah, but the responsibility, the amount of studying i have to do, the expenses; a lot of things will come in exchange of high school."

"studying is alright, though," seungmin said as he stroked hyunjin's hair whose head was rested on his lap. "just gotta plot out what you have to do and do it. you know, for a musician, hyung, you're pretty lazy."

they burst out into laughter, making changbin put a hand on his chest. "excuse me, i am _not_ lazy!"

"yeah.. you kinda are, hyung," jeongin laughed.

"i work out two hours a day!" changbin exclaimed, sitting on his legs. "how is that lazy—"

"hyung, you could literally—"

"oh, i'm not having—"

"woah, woah," a new voice said, joining the burst of arguing about changbin's laziness.

"chan hyung!" changbin exclaimed, getting up from the blanket. "look, they're disrespecting me!"

"hyung, we just pointed out facts," seungmin said. "it's not our fault that you can't accept that you're lazy."

changbin shook his head and opened his mouth to say something, but before the boy could, someone else did.

"chan, catch!" minho called, tossing him the keys. he then stood beside chan and changbin, looking at all his younger friends. "hi."

a sudden wave of nostalgia hit changbin in the face. it was so overwhelming for him to see them all there. it was hard to believe that what was happening right in front of him was not a memory flashing in his mind. it was real. he felt chan's hand on his shoulder, he felt the fabric of minho's nursing uniform against his jeans. they were real. they were really here.

"alright guys, gather around," chan said as the younger boys created space for him and minho on the blanket.

they were all then seated in a circle. chan with changbin on his right, then jisung, minho, jeongin, seungmin, and hyunjin.

"we've called a meeting today—"

"what about yongbok?" minho asked.

the boys all turned their heads towards him.

"felix…? but he hasn't… he's nowhere, hyung," seungmin answered. "we've been trying for months, remember?"

"but i saw him…" minho stopped himself from saying anything else. he glanced at hyunjin, who was already giving him a certain look. he seemed to tell him, don't even try to bring this up. "nevermind.."

chan sighed. "i know minho," he said, "sometimes i feel like i'm seeing people too. i think it's highly because of the stress you've been experiencing."

"yeah, one time, i thought i saw an uglyass clown outside the apartment—"

"anyway, jisung," chan interrupted, " know this is all of sudden, us being here all at the same time—"

"i'm surprised it was easy to get you all to your feet," jisung said.

"—but i'm thankful," chan continued. "this plan we have, it's been on my mind for a few weeks now. my dad gave me the idea, and i told jisung about it. i know it must be hard for all of us to get up and go by our days, but i'm gonna say all the mushy stuff for the trip."

"so, jeonginie," changbin turned to the fox looking boy. "anything you want to share with the class?"

changbin gave jeongin a reassuring smile. he wanted to remind jeongin that this was his safe space; that with them, he was going to be okay, and that they would listen to whatever he had to say.

"um," he started, "last night, i texted jisung about something… i was thinking that we could… i mean, what if we leave on friday night for the trip? i was thinking that… i couldn't wait… for saturday anymore. i know it's all of a sudden. but i uh, i already lied to my mom about camp so…"

"wait, you lied to your mom?" minho asked. "jeongin, she's already mad at what's been happening to you. what if she finds out that you're not in school? that there is no camp?"

"hyung, i'm sure about this," the younger boy answered. "please. this'll be the last thing i'll ask from you guys."

there was a silence that consumed the seven friends seated on that blanket in the middle of the park. there was uncertainty with a hint of sadness. seungmin felt it. he looked at the troubled faces of his friends. it wasn't a problem for him to go earlier, but there was something about jeongin's sudden assertiveness to go.

_this'll be the last thing i'll ask from you guys._

"innie…" seungmin started. "i mean, i'm okay with it. but i want to know the reason why. i hate to be that person, but this sudden assertiveness is a bit unsettling."

jisung and chan exchanged glances before turning to jeongin once again. was he ready to tell them the reason why? will he tell them the reason why?

"i… i want us all back together," jeongin said. "i miss you guys. i know i've spent my weeks with minho hyung… and i know i've shut you all out," he turned to seungmin and then hyunjin, "i want to make up for it."

chan let out a sigh. _when will he tell them the truth?_ he thought. however, he dismissed the thought since it wasn't his decision to make. he wanted jeongin to know that he still trusted him.

"i miss you too, jeongin," hyunjin finally said. "and if you want to hang out and leave this town for a while immediately, i'd come with you."

jeongin let out a small smile. "thanks, jinnie."

"friday it is then," minho exhaled. "i'll finish all my homework tonight so i'll be free by then."

chan nodded. _this is it, then,_ he thought. _this is when the new beginning starts._

as the boys started tidying up, folding the blanket, and cleaning up the trash around them, changbin thought he sensed something new in the atmosphere. the moment everyone agreed to go on friday night was the moment they were all accepting the start of something new for all of them. it was something changbin wasn't so sure about yet, but he couldn't wait to find the answer to that new feeling soon.

**-•3•-**

"hey, minho hyung," hyunjin called from behind.

minho turned around, not expecting anything nice to come out of hyunjin's mouth. _maybe he's going to yell at me for bringing up felix in the conversation. maybe he's going to tell me again about how awful i am._ instead, minho heard something else.

"you saw him," he said.

"i saw who?" minho asked.

hyunjin rolled his eyes and pulled the older boy away from the group. "are you that dense now?" the younger boy complained. "felix. i know you saw him."

minho's eyebrows connected. "that doesn't matter. you should be doing something about it since you're clearly hanging out with him."

"how... how did you know that?" hyunjin asked.

"make him come with us," minho said, ignoring hyunjin's question. "tell him everyone's been so worried and that it's unfair that he just suddenly shows up to one person and acts like things are all right."

"hey!" hyunjin exclaimed. "shut up, minho. you don't even know what he has to say."

"oh look who's talking, hyunjin," minho said, folding his arms in front of him. "you get so worked up and angry about everyone because of their actions when you don't even know what happens behind our own doors. you don't even care to listen. in case you haven't noticed, no one's happy. and your anger isn't helping at all."

minho pulled out a box of cigarettes from his pocket and handed them to hyunjin. "here you go," minho said, "that's the last i'm ever giving you."

he then turned away from hyunjin and started to walk back to their friends who were already piling in chan's pickup. jisung, changbin, and jeongin were in the back, waving at them to follow.

minho didn't like the fighting anymore. he didn't like the way it made him feel. he wanted hyunjin to go back to the way he was before. he wanted everyone to be happy once again, even if that meant him being away for a long while.

he hopped in the passenger's seat and waited for hyunjin to climb in the backseat next to seungmin before they all drove away. away from the han river, away from the park, away from the old memories, and most of all, away from the way things were before the incident.

this time, they were starting once again.


	25. the levanter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which chan explains the levanter, and hyunjin sees an awfully familiar duo.

**_25 — THE LEVANTER_ **

"they're not coming," jisung sighed, leaning on the side of the pickup.

"shut up, it's only been thirty minutes," changbin groaned, standing from the ground. "they're probably making sure they don't forget anything."

"doesn't sound like seungmin or minho at all," jisung said, climbing onto the back of the pickup.

"okay, maybe not them," changbin rolled his eyes, "you know how jeongin is. and hyunjin loves making last-minute decisions."

"hey, instead of arguing," chan said, rolling down the window of the driver's seat, "why don't you text them?"

"nevermind, i see seungmin and hyunjin," changbin said.

a couple meters away, seungmin and hyunjin walked side by side, backpacks slung over their shoulders, and hands linked together. they were also laughing together as they made their way towards the three other boys.

"man, look at them," jisung said. "holding hands, smiling at each other… they really like each other. i'm kinda jealous."

changbin burst into a laughter. "you're what now?"

jisung rolled his eyes, reaching out to punch changbin's arm and failing. "it's a joke, dumbo."

"if you're so jealous, why don't you ask out y—"

"shut up!" jisung exclaimed. "hyung, she isn't even my type!"

"yeah," changbin laughed. "like how everyone isn't your type."

"you're testing my patience, hyung—"

"seungminnie!" chan called, interrupting the argument between his two younger friends.

seungmin waved as he and hyunjin continued walking towards their direction. "channie hyung! i brought snacks!"

chan gave him two thumbs up.

it was the friday that week. the day all of them were going to embark on a journey. the park was almost deserted. civilians were going home, the air was cooler, and the sound of the river splashing filled changbin ears.

 _this is it,_ he thought. _this is it, hyung._

they were now only waiting for minho and jeongin to show up. changbin was slightly nervous for the two of them. what if they bail? what if something happened again?

but changbin knew they were okay. he knew that this time, no one will be left behind. he _had_ to be right.

"where are we going first, chan?" hyunjin asked, standing by the door of the driver's seat where chan sat inside.

"it's a place you guys know," he answered. "but we're not really going to that place. just near it. here's a clue: water."

hyunjin's eyebrows met. "water? we're literally by the han river."

chan shook his head, smiling. "it's a bit far," he said. "but i'll tell you that later when everyone's here."

meanwhile, jisung sat in the back of the pickup, mindlessly scrolling through his phone. in a matter of hours, they would be away from the city, away from their homes, away from their comfort zone. he knew that he had to do something about the letters that were hiding in his backpack. the letters were dated about two months ago, letters that never saw the light until that day when jisung was packing up the last items in his bag. 

_you'll know when it's time. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry for this jisung, but when it happens, you'll be the only person i can trust with these._

jisung licked his lips at the memory of the note given to him that one day.

"when will i know?" he whispered to himself, holding the letters in his hand. "when will i know it's time?"

it was another reason why he started working nonstop. he wanted to forget about the letters. he wanted to forget about the note. he tried and succeeded in keeping it out of his mind, but the gravity that was pulling him towards them was just too strong for him. he knew he had no choice, and he couldn't hide them forever.

"jeongin's here," seungmin said, waving his hand.

jisung looked over to where jeongin was. he wore a long sweater, a cap and a facemask that almost covered his whole face. he held his head low as his earphones swayed back and forth from his ears.

"god, why does he look worse?" jisung said.

seungmin sighed. "maybe he's just hiding his face?"

"no, look," hyunjin said. "he's softly bopping his head to the music."

soon enough, jeongin took an earphone off and looked up, cracking a small smile at the group standing a couple meters away from him.

"am i… late?" jeongin asked, taking off the mask.

chan smiled, getting out of the pickup. he then started walking towards jeongin, arms open. "c'mere, fox boy," he said. "you're never late."

jeongin's smile widened as he engulfed chan in a hug.

"jeonginie, how'd you get away from your mom?" changbin asked, helping him with his backpack. "the school's empty."

jeongin shrugged. "told her we're in strict orders, that no one can be near the school gates after 6pm. i said everyone had to be in the gym."

"if—"

"i'm not having the conversation about my mom finding out," jeongin continued, interrupting jisung. "if it does happen, it doesn't matter."

"okay," chan sighed. "all we need is minho and we'll be going. can somebody text or call him?"

"did it already," jisung said, climbing into the pickup's back once again.

"wait," changbin said, looking at his phone. "i just got a text from him."

"and he doesn't text _me_ back!?" jisung exclaimed.

"shush," changbin continued. "he said he's on his way and he just had to take care of something that's why he's late."

chan looked at his watch. "it's been 50 minutes. i wonder what's taking him so long."

"whatever," hyunjin said, making his way to the pickup's back, "we don't all fit inside the car. i'm sure people are gonna have to stay here out."

"i guess one of them will be me," jisung said. "i'm already here anyway."

"i'll be with you," jeongin suggested.

"no, except you," hyunjin said. "you have to stay inside."

"jinnie—"

"i'll stay out then," changbin said.

"no," chan said. "i need one of you," he pointed at jisung and changbin, "in there with me to explain stuff when someone doesn't understand. and since jisung wants to be out, binnie, you're staying inside."

changbin sighed. "you think minho will want to be out? i'm sure hyunjin and seungmin will be sitting together."

"we should probably just decide when he's here," seungmin said. "then we can make arrangements. it's really not a big deal for me where i'm going to sit. what's important is that jeongin stays inside."

there was a short silence after the discussion. everyone went to do their own things. jisung stayed in the back of the pickup; changbin, seungmin and jeongin decided to play catch with a paper ball made by changbin himself, and chan and hyunjin sat in the car with the doors open.

"is this the levanter you told me about?" hyunjin suddenly spoke.

there was a short pause before chan was able to answer hyunjin's question. _he remembered the levanter?_ chan asked himself.

"yeah," he sighed. "i guess this is it…"

hyunjin nodded, still unsure what the levanter was all about. it's a strong wind according to chan, but he was still puzzled. how sure was he that they were on the right track of the journey? how sure was he that everyone would be strong enough to resist that wind? would they be able to save everyone? if anything, the levanter scared hyunjin.

" _'the wind is rising! we must try to live'_ ",chan said after a short silence. "that's a translated line from _the graveyard by the sea_ by paul valery. that poem sort of… spoke to me."

"what does the poem talk about?" hyunjin asked.

"life? death? the possibilities after death? the inevitability of death?" chan answered. "i know it sounds depressing but it really provided light in our situation… at least i think it did. there are a couple lines that i highlighted from it."

hyunjin leaned back until he was laying on the backseat, his head resting on changbin's bag. "tell me," he said. "i mean, it'll probably take a while before minho arrives."

chan laughed. "hey, be nice. he's been trying his best. anyway, about the lines…," he tapped mindlessly on the steering wheel, "one was _'now present here, the future takes its time'_. i kinda gave my own meaning to it. it'll take time for the future to come. we're all in a sad present after what happened, but connecting that to the first line i told you, if we live through the wind, then we can hold on for a new hope in the future..."

chan turned to look at hyunjin who was staring at the ceiling with one arm up.

"is that a lot to take in for you?" chan laughed, "i can stop there if you want."

"no, no," hyunjin said, sitting back up. he then reached to close the car door to lean his chin on the window frame. "tell me another."

"okay, two more," chan said, turning back. "the other is _'the dead lie easy, hidden in earth where they are warmed and have their mysteries burnt away'_."

a short silence.

"glad i don't need an explanation for that," hyunjin then said.

"you get it?"

hyunjin nodded. " _'where they are warmed and have their mysteries burnt away'_. i got that part a lot. we'll never get to know why it really happened, why things are the way they are now, what mysteries he was hiding before that final blow."

chan didn't answer. hyunjin was right, he didn't need to explain that line to him. it all made sense, after all. and he knew hyunjin would know that.

"jinnie, i hope this trip would make you feel much better," chan spoke. "i really do. the boys have been so worried about you, even seungmin. _i'm_ worried."

"no way," hyunjin suddenly said.

"what?"

" _no, no_ , what the hell is this?"

chan turned to see what hyunjin was doing, but the latter had already opened the car door and sprinted out. he let his eyes follow hyunjin until he saw the two figures making their way to their direction.

_oh my god._


	26. the question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which jisung asks a question that backfires at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **FIRST OF ALL I'VE BEEN TRYING TO EDIT THIS TWO TIMES NOW AND I'M ABOUT TO LOSE MY MARBLES. ANYWAY**
> 
> **happy 2nd anniversary to skz! ♡ it's been a while and i'm sure those boys will continue to achieve great things in the future!! let's stay by their side, always!**

**_26 — THE QUESTION_ **

as hyunjin ran, chan immediately opened his door and stepped out. "jisung!" he called, eyes not leaving the two figures hyunjin was running towards to.

"what!?" jisung exclaimed. "i _already_ texted—"

jisung's voice dropped when he saw what chan was looking at. immediately the former jumped out of the back of the pickup and ran towards the direction of the two figures as well.

"what are you doing here?" hyunjin asked as he tried to catch his breath.

"he's part of us, hyunjin," minho said. "of course he'll be here."

behind hyunjin, jisung panted, hands on his knees. "what… what's happening… is… is this _planned?_ " he asked.

felix smiled, walking over to jisung to hug him tightly. "missed me?"

"shut up, yongbok!" jisung exclaimed, returning the hug. he soon started rubbing his face on felix's shirt.

"oh god okay, no wiping!" felix said, pulling away from jisung who already had tears streaming down his face.

"lee felix!" chan called from the car. "come here, you!"

"be right back," felix said before sprinting towards chan who already had his arms open.

changbin stood by the car's hood next to jeongin and seungmin, looking as the two australians reunited. he figured that maybe something was going to happen that day, and he was beyond relieved to see that felix was that something. it took felix long to show himself once again. changbin almost felt like felix left as well, like he was gone forever. and he was proved wrong by felix himself.

"you're unbelievable," changbin exhaled, giving felix a hug.

" _you_ guys… are unbelievable," felix laughed. "where are we going? does anyone have their switch with them?"

**•3•**

after calling everyone back, the eight friends stood at the side of the pickup.

chan sighed. "um… so, _that_ caught me off guard," he laughed.

"what's new?" felix said. "i always surprise you guys."

"yes you do," chan agreed. "anyway, since we're all finally here—"

"thank god," jisung said.

"—i think we should go?"

"uh, hyung?" seungmin spoke, raising his hand. "who's sitting where?"

chan sighed. "right, so—"

"i'll sit at the back," felix said. "it's fun there."

"yes, yongbok!" jisung exclaimed, putting his hands out. "you and me!"

"alright, can we go now?" hyunjin asked.

"you want me to sit with you guys?" minho asked jisung.

"yeah, sure," jisung said, putting an arm around his older friend. "let's go."

"alright, everyone in," chan called as he climbed in the driver's seat.

changbin followed, getting in the passenger's seat as seungmin, hyunjin, and jeongin made their way into the backseat.

minho, jisung, and felix then settled in the back, spreading blankets on the floor for them to lay down on.

"yongbokie," jisung whispered, sitting next to felix on his blanket. they started to drive away, and the wind soon picked up, making the three of them lay on their backs on the pickup's floor. "i'm going to ask you something. where were you… that night?"

felix stared at the night sky and the fading city lights as they drove away. it was the first time anyone asked him about the incident. for the past few months he had been avoiding the questions, thinking it was better to live in the present.

nothing much had changed with felix. but he noticed the huge impact the incident had made on his friends—jeongin carrying around a bottle of pills everywhere he went, hyunjin smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, changbin locking himself up in his room for days, chan hearing the voices in his head. one thing felix was confused about was what jisung and minho did after that day. it was blurry in his mind. he hadn't seen minho in a while. he didn't even know about mimho's attempt until hyunjin had told him. he never saw jisung around in school, never got to talk to him in person for some reason.

felix spent his three months confused but hopeful. being half aware of his friends' situations seemed to be the thread he held on to. the thread that was strong and full of hope. after all, he had woojin to talk to about all the events that took place after.

"i was backstage," felix answered. "it was jinnie's performance night, right? along with others? and us members who weren't scheduled had to help out backstage… i was sitting there when it happened."

"what did you do… when you found out?" jisung asked, closing his eyes.

felix looked over to minho who was laying on his side, face lit by his phone that displayed cat videos.

"i got the call from minho hyung," felix said. "that was when we were packing up… hyunjin was missing by the time i went looking for him. that's when i found out he left to go to the hospital…"

"after that," felix continued, "i went straight home. i didn't make any pitstops, didn't eat dinner, or replied to any of their texts."

"you got right back up the day after," jisung said. "i remember seeing you once after what happened and then you disappeared. and then i saw you at the convenience store… and then you were gone again."

felix shook his head. "i honestly don't know what's been happening, ji. sometimes, i'd remember doing this or that, but sometimes i don't. when you guys started saying that i've been gone for a while— _missing_ , even—i thought that maybe my experiences were making sense… i just couldn't explain it to you because i'm not sure you would understand."

jisung nodded. "it's okay, lix," he said, "what's important is that you're here now—that we're all here."

"what about you, ji?" felix asked. "where were _you_ that night?"

jisung immediately turned so his back was facing felix. he didn't want to answer that question. he didn't want anyone to know where he was that night. "good night, yongbok. see you in an hour or so. we're going to nami island, anyway."


	27. the letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which jisung's secret is revealed, and someone else takes the fall.

**_27 — THE LETTERS_ **

they weren't going to nami island.

"jisung, you _specifically_ said—"

"okay, in _my_ defense, i was sleepy!" jisung exclaimed, putting his hands up in surrender.

felix's shoulders slumped in disappointment. he was looking forward to going to nami island. the last time he went there was in the summer.

"hyung," felix whined as chan came out of the driver's seat. "jisung lied to me. he said we were going to nami island!"

chan laughed, patting felix's shoulder. "sorry lix. besides," he checked his watch, "we missed the last boat."

"so why're we here?" hyunjin asked as he slowly put his jacket on. he then proceeded to help seungmin in putting his on.

"we are going to… i don't really know," chan laughed. "but we can sit near where the water starts."

he pointed towards where the boats have been docked. "there we can look at the lights from nami island."

after a moment of silence, minho spoke. "sounds alright to me," he said. "let's go."

minho started walking with jeongin trailing close behind him. soon enough, all the other boys started following. seungmin had brought one plastic bag of food in case anyone wanted to eat while they sat there.

the wind blew harshly against changbin's cheeks. he breathed in the fresh smell of the water. he watched as his friends got closer to where the boats were docked. it was now empty, the extension silently receiving the splashes of the water below it.

"ahhh," minho let out a big exhale as he extended his arms. "i've been waiting for this!"

"tell me about it," changbin said beside him, pulling down his arm. "i told you to hold out a little bit more."

minho smiled and put an arm around changbin's neck, jokingly strangling him. "yeah alright, seo changbin!" he laughed. "i'm thankful you're here! i'm thankful you saved me!"

changbin laughed as he squirmed out of minho's grip.

"hey, stop!" chan said. "you might accidentally push someone into the water."

minho shrugged. "i can swim."

"i can too," seungmin said.

"i _can't,_ " jeongin laughed, putting his hands on his hips. "so yeah, stop moving around too much."

"hey guys, wanna play charades?" felix asked, smiling as he looked at his friends.

"how will we move properly with our jackets on, though?" hyunjin laughed. "we'll look like penguins trying to dance!"

"oh god right," changbin exhaled, pulling out the lollipop he got from the convenience store a couple weeks ago from his pocket. he knew it was old, and it was probably all crushed too, but he needed to show it to felix. "lix, look," he said, holding the lollipop up. "remember that one time we were talking about free food if you work at a convenience store?"

felix tilted his head for a moment and then smiled, nodding repeatedly. "oh yeah!"

"well, i got this for free at the convenience store chan hyung works at," changbin laughed, giving it to felix. "turns out it's kind of true?"

chan smiled. "yeah, it was from yugyeom by the way."

"yugyeom? no way, i see him in campus sometimes!" minho chirped. "boy's a dancing machine!"

seungmin scoffed. "says you, hyung," he said. "don't you still dance at uni?"

minho shook his head, glancing at hyunjin. "nursing school has made me so busy. i let that passion go so i could focus on schoolwork."

"but like, you'll still dance, right?" jeongin asked, arms wrapped around himself.

minho shrugged. "i gotta be honest. it's hard to find something to dance for when you're sad, especially if i won't be able to do it anyway since i won't be in school for a while."

"wait, huh?" changbin stepped closer to his older friend. "what do you mean?"

minho groaned. "ugh, i don't want us to be all sad right now, why do you have to ask that."

"come on, hyung," jeongin encouraged. "you can tell us anything."

"i'm going into rehab," he finally said. "maybe i'll go there by monday, maybe some other time… but i've decided to do it. sure i won't be able to see you guys for a while, but at least next time we'll see each other, i'll be way better—better than the minho i was in this whole ordeal."

chan sighed. "minho…"

"it's fine," minho reassured. "really. i'll have to drop out of school for a while, but it's really fine. i wanted this."

unknowingly, changbin's gaze went to jeongin who was standing farther away from the group. he didn't know exactly what was in jeongin's mind, but he was sure that he wasn't taking in this news well.

"innie—"

"guys?" jisung suddenly spoke. 

everyone turned towards the squirrel looking boy who had his hands at his back. jisung couldn't meet any of their eyes, he was too ashamed to do it. 

_they're going to hate me forever,_ he thought. _this is it for han jisung, j.one of 3racha. i'm never gonna be able to write songs with chan and changbin ever again after they disown me._

"what is it?" felix asked. "jisung, is there something wrong?"

"do you need to go to the toilet?" seungmin asked.

jisung stayed still, a million thoughts clouding up his mind. how was he going to succeed at doing woojin's last request? how was he going to live after today? who was he kidding? he wasn't the sensible one in the group. he was the one lying to his friends all this time, and yet minho and jeongin have to leave for a long while because of the consequences of not understanding the incident earlier.

slowly, he pulled out the letters from his backpocket and showed them to his friends. 

"what's that?" chan asked, grabbing the letters. he started looking through each envelope which had their printed names on them. "okay, here, i'll give them out."

one by one, chan gave out the letters to his friends. jisung was left empty handed. "wait, don't open them yet—"

"aww, jisung!" changbin cooed, looking at his envelope. "you made us letters? why the sad face? i didn't know you were into to letter writing, honestly."

jisung stayed silent, looking at the water that stretched in front of them. 

"jisung," minho said, shaking his shoulder. "you're scaring us. what's this? did you write these?"

hyunjin ignored jisung's request, tearing open the envelope. before he could pull the letter out, jisung jumped at him. "no, hyunjin, wait!"

"what, jisung!?" hyunjin yelled, pushing him away. "you almost pushed me off back there. what the actual hell!?"

"d-don't…"

soon, jisung's eyes started filling up with tears. his shaky hands pulled out one last letter from his front pocket. he finally looked up at his friends, not caring if the tears continuously rolled down his cheeks.

"what's that?" felix asked, stepping closer to jisung. he took the envelope in his hand which read _jisungie._

felix's eyes widened. "he… jisung didn't write these letters…"

"i have to explain to you!" jisung exclaimed, eyes red and puffy. "listen to me. please."

"we're listening, ji," seungmin said as his fingers played with the sides of his own envelope. "you're the one not talking."

jisung took deep breaths as chan stood by his side, rubbing his back. he was sure something awful was going to happen once he's done explaining. he was sure his friends won't be able to forgive him.

"woojin wrote them…" hyunjin said, looking down at his opened letter. he then looked up at jisung, anger evident in his eyes. "jisung, what is _this!?_ "

"shut up, hyunjin!" jisung yelled. "it—it's from him, okay!? that was given to me... that night it happened. i—i felt like something was wrong… that's why i didn't go to your show. i knew changbin was sick so i didn't ask him to go with me. i texted him, i said i was coming over. he didn't reply to me anymore. he never did! i went to his house… i received these letters from his mom… he wrote them before he left, i—"

chan's hand disappeared from jisung's back. he looked at his friends' faces. they were mixed with horror, sadness, anger, and confusion. what was jisung saying? why didn't anyone know about these letters?

"in a separate note… he was asking me to give these letters to you when the time was right—and i didn't know when that was!"

"so you knew…"

"hyunjin—"

"you fucking knew he was going to do it!" hyunjin yelled.

seungmin and jeongin were now sobbing, while chan had walked away. felix tried to calm hyunjin down but the boy was much too strong for him.

"i didn't know, hyunjin!"

"yes, you did!"

jeongin now had his hands over his ears, trying to block out the yelling that came from hyunjin and jisung.

"what was i going to do, hyunjin!?" jisung yelled. "i was too late! i was too fucking late to save him! i kept running, hyunjin! i tried to look for him all night! don't you dare blame me for this!"

jisung started to step closer and closer to hyunjin who was being held back by felix and changbin.

"so this is the real reason why you've been alone for the past few months, huh, jisung!?" hyunjin said. "you made us fucking believe you were all productive and better than all of us when you were lying to us all along!? when you've been keeping this secret all along!?"

"hyunjin, please, stop," changbin said, tears already streaming down his face.

"fuck you, jisung," hyunjin said. he shook himself out of felix and changbin's grip and tackled jisung, punching him multiple times in the face.

"hyunjin, no!" seungmin exclaimed, running towards him.

the boys tried to stop hyunjin from further hurting jisung, but he was too strong for them, let alone being fueled by his immense anger towards the boy. he pulled jisung up by the hem of his shirt, blood trickling down his nose and lip, and punched him once again.

"hyunjin, for fuck's sake!" minho yelled, trying to yank him off of jisung.

but hyunjin was able to shove minho off of himself, sending the boy backwards, and missing the fact that jeongin stood where the pavement ended. 

as minho collided with jeongin's fragile body, he stumbled backward, losing his footing; and for a terrifying moment, minho caught jeongin's expression before he disappeared into the water below.


	28. clé 4: minho

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which a life changing moment is at the hands of the nursing student.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **the story is almost finished! i'm probably writing this too early, but i just wanted to check up on you guys. i hope the story is turning out well. i'm not quite sure what to feel about the ending of this story,, but more thoughts at the very end! i hope to see you there :D**

**_28 — CLÉ 4: MINHO_ **

"jeongin!" minho yelled. 

immediately, hyunjin stopped his attack on jisung and ran towards where minho was.

"shit, where's chan hyung?" changbin said, looking around. he then ran off, looking for his older friend. 

"jeongin!" seungmin yelled. "stay afloat! move your legs!" 

he then turned towards felix as he started to take his jacket off. he handed him his phone. "i'm going to get him." 

"minnie—" felix grabbed his wrist. 

"lix, don't," seungmin said. "his arms are too weak to help him." 

with that, seungmin jumped, taking in the freezing cold water with every fiber of his body. he reached out in the water, trying to find jeongin. the younger boy's head was barely above water now, and his eyes were starting to close shut. "jeongin!" seungmin yelled. "jeongin, come on! move your legs!" 

"hyung—" 

it was too late. jeongin had already lost consciousness, his body sinking deeper into the freezing water. 

"fuck!" seungmin hissed, diving deep. he spread his arms out, trying to look for jeongin's body. 

meanwhile back at the pickup, chan sat on the hood, head buried in his hands. beside him sat the letter woojin had written for him that night it happened. chan didn't care about the sobs coming out of his mouth. he didn't care about what he looked like or what might happen to him. 

all that matters was that woojin had reminisced all their memories together before he jumped off that building. he had written down all the things he wanted chan to know before he really left. 

and chan wasn't there to stop him. it shattered him even more, knowing the letter existed all those times he talked to woojin when he was sad and scared. it almost felt like he betrayed woojin for not knowing. 

chan suddenly heard footsteps getting nearer as he looked up. changbin ran as fast as he could to reach chan. "hyung! hyung, you have to save jeongin!" 

"...what?" 

"jeongin fell into the water!" 

_i can't,_ jeongin had said when they were determining who could and couldn't swim. chan cursed under his breath. 

he jumped off the hood of the car and sprinted back to towards his friends with changbin following behind him. 

by the time he got there, seungmin had jeongin in his arms but the boy was visibly tired from trying to carrying him. without hesitation, chan jumped into the water. in a few moments, minho and felix were at the extension, waiting for chan, seungmin, and jeongin. 

after hoisting jeongin's unconscious body up, changbin and felix helped chan and seungmin as well. 

minho hovered over jeongin. he pulled up the sleeves of jeongin's jacket where the bandages sat soaking wet, blood starting to seep through. his skin was so cold, and minho started panicking. he checked the back of jeongin's head, making sure he didn't hit it. then, he bent down to jeongin's face.>

"he's not fucking breathing!" minho exclaimed, hands shaking as he placed them on jeongin's chest. he closed his eyes for a split second, remembering all the training he had gone through. 

he then started pushing into jeongin's chest. 

_one._

_two._

_three._

__

_come on, jeongin. don't die on me, please. don't die, jeongin. we can't take this anymore. we won't be able to. we already almost lost you, innie. we can't lose you now. i can't. i can't fucking lose you now, jeongin!_

_one_

_two._

_three._

the tears started to form in his eyes once again. jeongin wasn't responding. the blood in his arms was becoming more prominent. in no time, minho was sobbing as he continuously pushed on jeongin's chest. he then started blowing air into his mouth. it was his first time to ever perform a cpr, and he did not want to fail. 

he didn't want to fail in saving another close friend of his. if that happened, he really might lose it. 

"jeongin!" minho yelled. "come on, buddy! please!" 

hyunjin watched in horror as minho hovered over jeongin's body, continuing to bring the life back to him. he froze. one of the things he'd been fearing the most was coming to life. the sight of jeongin's limp body woke every nerve in hyunjin's system. 

a few meters away from him, changbin sat beside jisung who was barely conscious as the pain from hyunjin's punches registered in his body. "w-what's happening, hyung?" 

"shh," changbin said, helping him up. "come on, ji. i'll help you with your wounds." 

a few moments after changbin was able to make jisung sit up, he started to hear coughing from where minho, felix, chan, seungmin, and jeongin were. 

he quickly looked over to see jeongin turning over to cough out the water in his lungs. 

"jeonginie!" seungmin exclaimed, going near him. he started rubbing his back as he continued to cough. his eyes were red when he looked back at seungmin, then to minho who was on his knees, eyes wide. 

"it's—it's cold," jeongin managed to say. 

immediately, minho tackled him with a tight hug which jeongin immediately returned. 

"i thought… i thought you were gone," minho sobbed. "i tried everything—and when you didn't respond, i—" 

"hyung," jeongin whispered, catching his breath. "hyung, it's okay now. i'm just… i'm tired." 

"hey!" changbin called. he had an arm around jisung's shoulders as he supported him in standing. "let's get back to the car and patch them up! i think we all need some time to breathe." 

**-•3•-**

it was minho's turn to sit silently on the hood of chan's pickup. jisung and jeongin both sat inside the car after getting patched up by minho himself. the adrenaline had died down, and the only noise he could hear was the faint talking of hyunjin and seungmin a couple of meters away. 

"how could you not think about your actions before doing what you did, jinnie?" he heard seungmin say. "jeongin almost died!" 

much to minho's surprise, hyunjin stayed silent. 

"hey," a voice suddenly said from behind him. he turned around to see chan walking towards him. he took his time climbing up the hood and sitting next to minho. "you saved him." 

"barely," minho said. but he couldn't deny the fact that he was, indeed, proud of himself for being able to save jeongin. back there, he thought he was going to fail again. they were all supposed to be safe in his hands. they were all supposed to be saved by him one way or another. "but yeah… i guess i did." 

"thank you," chan said, looking up at the sky. 

"why are you thanking me?" minho asked. 

"because you didn't end your life," chan said. "you stayed. and because you stayed, you were able to save jeongin." 

there was a silence that consumed the two friends. minho felt guilty, knowing chan had to be thankful to him for not ending his own life. he didn't want chan to carry that thought around anymore. 

minho then pulled out his phone and earphones. after he put one on, he offered the other to chan as he played _dance dance_ by day6. 

chan smiled and laughed along with minho as he bopped his head to the music. in a matter of seconds, the two were singing and dancing. minho felt amazing for those three whole minutes, dancing and singing the lyrics with chan. 

after the song, changbin and felix were standing in front of them, weird expressions plastered on their faces. 

" _you_ two are having fun," changbin remarked. 

"aww!" felix whined. "i wanted to join!" 

"sorry, lix," minho laughed. "i just thought of playing it out of the blue. it's my victory song, i guess." 

minho sighed. "after what happened, i kept blaming myself because i wasn't able to save him, you know. i always told myself that _i'm_ the nursing student here and yet i failed to save him. that's why i kept wanting to kill myself because… what was the point?" 

"but now," he continued. "finally… fucking finally, i was able to do it. i saved someone, i saved _jeongin_. maybe woojin would be proud. maybe he won't see me as a failure now that i've finally managed to save someone." 

chan took the earphone out from his ear and looked at minho. "i think he was _always_ proud of you, minho." 

minho shrugged. "i hope he is. it was one of my last wishes before i left—to be able to do something life changing for any of you. i'm just so glad it finally happened." 

after a moment of silence, changbin spoke. "chan," he said. 

"hmm?" 

"victory," he said, grabbing his own hair. "oh my god, there it is!" 

minho's eyebrows met as he looked at changbin who was now drumming on chan's thighs. "victory!" he exclaimed. 

"uh, victory?" chan said, putting a fist up in the air. he looked at felix and minho who were just as confused as he was. 

"no!" changbin rolled his eyes. "did the water get in your brain for you to forget? victory is minho's key!" 

chan's mouth dropped as he hopped down from the hood, giving changbin a high five. "binnie! yo why didn't i get it as soon as you told me?" he laughed. 

felix twirled a finger by his ear. "maybe we should uh, start going?" 

chan laughed, "no, lix! we found half of the keys! it's finally happening!" 

"o- _kay_ , maybe the water _did_ get in his brain," minho said. "hyung, mind if i stay in the backseat this time? it's pretty cold out." 

changbin and chan ignored the comments felix and minho were giving as they both made their way to the back of the pickup. it didn't matter if they didn't understand. 

what matters is that they only had four more keys to find until they'd finally find the end of the long, painful maze they were all stuck in. 


	29. clé 5: hyunjin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which hyunjin's anger is put out by the words of chan.

**_29 — CLÉ 5: HYUNJIN_ **

the car ride became silent, and hyunjin mindlessly scratched the leather seat under his leg as he tried to sleep. the only noise came from the wind that entered the small slits in windows and the soft snoring that came from jisung as he cuddled into minho's arms.

hyunjin looked back from the passenger's seat to see minho's eyes shut as he stroked jisung's hair. he felt guilty seeing the bruises that were starting to form on his face.

"i know it was hard to take in, hyunjin," chan said, breaking the silence. "but taking it out on jisung was over the line."

"i know," hyunjin said. "i'm sorry."

"don't apologize to me," chan looked at jisung through the rearview mirror, "apologize to him."

"it just made me so angry that he kept it a secret for months," hyunjin exhaled, now playing with the ac grills. "we could've done something. maybe if he told us, none of us would be doing what we've doing after the incident. maybe jeongin wouldn't have shut us out, maybe seungmin wouldn't have vandalized, maybe _i_ wouldn't have started smoking."

"see, now you're blaming him again," chan said, making a turn. "he was scared, hyunjin. he lost a friend, too. he lost someone close to him."

"hyunjin," chan continued, "i don't think i can tolerate that anger of yours any more. we all get that you're angry. first you were angry at woojin for being 'selfish', then at minho for misguiding jeongin, and now at jisung because he kept to himself something that should've been said a long time ago. think about it, jinnie. are all these valid reasons to put your anger out on others and yourself? everyone's been in a bad place, even seungmin has."

"i was mad at woojin because ever since what happened, seungmin kept blaming himself for it," hyunjin said. "it pained me so much to see him destroy his own life and—"

"and in return, you destroy yourself and the people around you?" chan asked, keeping his voice as calm as possible. "you can't just make other people's lives miserable because _you_ are."

"i was trying to make seungmin feel better."

"see, _that's_ selfish, hyunjin," chan said. "even seungmin hates the way you handle things. look, i know you love him, and care for him so much, but he isn't the only person that you have, you know. changbin has been tolerating you, minho has been trying to help you, i'm here for you… maybe you _think_ you're doing it for seungmin when in reality, you're doing it for yourself."

hyunjin stayed silent. he already endured the lecture seungmin had given him before they left. he wasn't sure if he wanted to listen to another from chan.

but hyunjin knew how much his friends cared for him. he just wasn't sure if he wanted to accept that care any more.

"if anyone here's misguided," chan said, tilting his head, "i think it's you, jinnie. you're continuing to walk down that unsteady road you chose. remember, ' _the wind is rising'_ … and i'm right here offering my hand to save you from it," chan put his hand out to hyunjin, "you're going to get lost if you won't be strong enough to fight it. the only decision you have to make now is to accept my helping hand or not."

it didn't take long for hyunjin to grab ahold on chan's hand, giving it a squeeze. "i'll let you help me out, hyung. thanks, and i'm sorry."

chan smiled, shaking hyunjin's hand before letting go. "just as i thought," he said. "you need guidance, hyunjin. and it didn't take me long to figure out that that's your key."

"my key?"

chan nodded. "things that'll help me finally get my friends back. it's a long story. for now, i need you to rest. we'll probably be driving for another hour or so before we reach our next destination."

hyunjin didn't deny the fact that he was sleepy, and after the talk with chan, he was sure that he needed the rest. his eyes finally started to close shut.

he felt the weight come off his shoulders, and it seemed like all the anger towards himself and others dissipated in a snap of a finger. hyunjin knew he had to try harder to make things better for him and the people around him, but he was now more than willing to try.


	30. the sighting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which seungmin is forgiven, and chan sees a mirage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **we hit the 30th chapter! 10 more chapters to go and the book is finished. it's still honestly crazy how i was able to write a whole 40 chapter story in 5 months. i plan to finish uploading every chapter before may ends so i can start on a new story!**
> 
> **thank you so much for the kudos, comments, and hits. it means so much to me, especially when you guys give feedback. <3 have a great day!**

**_30 — THE SIGHTING_ **

seungmin watched as the road blurred out in front of him. minho wasn't kidding when he said it was cold in the back, but he didn't mind. he pulled his jacket closer to his body as well as his blanket as he sat in between felix and changbin.

felix was already asleep, wrapped in his blanket like a burrito, head rested on seungmin's shoulder. he forgot how clingy felix could get when he wanted to, and seungmin wasn't all for the skinship, but he missed him so he didn't mind when felix put at arm around him.

"took you long to show yourself again, hyung," he heard changbin say.

seungmin turned to see a new figure sitting adjacent to changbin. "woojin hyung," seungmin said.

the older boy smiled. "hey, seungmin," he said. "i heard you lost my letter."

seungmin sighed, shrugging with one shoulder so he wouldn't disturb felix. "probably lost it when i jumped to help jeongin. i wasn't even able to open it up yet."

woojin nodded. "don't worry about it," he said. "i'll tell you what i want to say now."

he looked at changbin who gave him a small nod.

"don't blame yourself for what happened, seungmin," woojin continued, "you shouldn't have in the first place. none of it was your fault… but for the sake of you being okay, i'll tell you that i forgive you."

seungmin's mouth hung open. "i—"

"i can't believe you've been blaming yourself," woojin said, moving closer to hold seungmin's hand. "i'm sorry you had to go through that."

seungmin found himself speechless. what he told changbin that day in his bedroom was coming true, and he didn't know how to react to it. so instead, he leaned forward to give woojin a big hug, completely forgetting about felix. changbin caught the latter before his head could hit the floor.

in no time, the tears started streaming down seungmin's face again. he hugged woojin tightly, almost like he didn't want to let go. part of him didn't want to, but he knew all too well that it was the right thing to do.

when he pulled away, woojin wiped his tears.

"told you he was going to cry," changbin chuckled. felix's head now rested on his lap. 

"w-what's this?" seungmin asked, wiping his face. "a-are you leaving? are you going to actually leave now?"

"soon, minnie," woojin said, giving him a faint smile. "i have to say goodbye to jeongin, hyunjin and chan, too."

"what about felix, minho, and jisung?" seungmin asked, gesturing to the sleeping boy on changbin's lap.

"felix has no problem," woojin said. "i think you'll realize that soon enough. as for minho and jisung, i think showing myself would do more damage. so i think it's better this way."

soon, the pickup slowed down, and seungmin didn't realize they've arrived at a campsite. he wasn't sure where they were either. there was a clearing where the moonlight shined effortlessly on. the trees stretched here and there. when he turned back to woojin, in attempt invite him to stay for a while, he was only greeted by air.

he turned to changbin who shrugged, giving him a small smile. "i guess we're camping?" changbin said.

**-•3•-**

"great uh, away from the water and nearer to the earth?" chan said. "how many of us can fit in the back to sleep?"

"chan hyung! how do you set up the tent?" felix called. the freckled boy was now wide awake as he helped minho in pulling out the six-person tent chan had brought with them.

"it's a pop-up, lix!" chan called back. "just put it out of its bag and untie the knots!"

"hyung, you think we can toast marshmallows?" jeongin asked. chan could see all the colorful bands in jeongin's braces in the moonlight as the latter smiled widely at him. for a brief moment, he saw the old jeongin right in front of him; the innocent, bubbly, carefree one. 

"sure," he answered, patting his shoulder. "i'll get some firewood and we can all sit in a circle while doing that, yeah?"

chan then made his way to the back of the pickup where jisung sat on his phone, probably watching conspiracy videos again. "can you move?" he asked the younger boy.

jisung's face suddenly contorted into a pained facial expression, complete with the back of his hand connecting with his forehead. "ah, i can't. i'm too sick."

chan laughed. "you're really bad at acting, you know that?" 

"hey!" jisung exclaimed, jumping off the back and wincing right after. "i am great at acting."

"nah, nevermind," chan said. "i'll ask hyunjin to help me."

"no, seriously, what is it?" jisung asked.

it was hard for chan to look at him, considering the swollen eye and the bruised cheek. but jisung's expression seemed to tell him that it was okay to let him do anything. the latter was also moving his eyebrows up and down like he was planning something crazy. that was something chan was used to in his everyday life with jisung.

"uh, help me get some firewood?" chan said. "that is, if your body doesn't ache that much."

"this?" jisung pointed at his left eye, "this is nothing, hyung. come on, i'll help you."

the two started walking further away from the group to look for the firewood. chan noticed the way jisung winced every now and then when he accidentally hit his eye or his bruise.

"i'm sorry i wasn't there to stop him," chan started.

"nuh-uh, none of that sad stuff," jisung said, bending over to pick up a piece of wood. he then handed it to chan. "i kind of expected it to happen so i wasn't all surprised when hyunjin decided to wreck my face. did you read the letter, though? i feel bad that seungmin's and jeongin's got torn from the water."

chan nodded. "yeah, i read it. it was kind of weird seeing his handwriting again. like, i haven't seen it in a long time."

jisung chuckled. "i know, right? when i first opened mine, the incident just happened. it felt like he was still alive… i couldn't imagine the pain it brought when you guys first opened it up."

"but how were you able to keep it all in, though?" chan asked. "it must've been really hard."

"oh hyung, you should've seen how you looked after the incident," jisung said, "you looked ten times more horrible than me."

"are you trying to—"

"i mean," jisung interrupted, "i didn't want to add to your pain any more. it took you time to heal; it took all of us some time to heal. but i figured i had to endure it on my own for once."

chan nodded. "we have minho's and hyunjin's key, by the way."

jisung laughed as he sprinted towards another big piece of wood. "really? took them long enough!"

"i actually figured hyunjin's a while back," chan said, following jisung. "guidance. that's his. for minho, it was victory. it happened when he saved jeongin."

"makes sense," jisung said, looking around more. "i guess there's only you, yongbok, and jeongin left."

"what do you think is felix's key?"

jisung stopped on his tracks and shook his head. "impossible to know. that guy's all over the place."

chan let out a small laugh. "you're right. come on, we can't leave them without adult supervision."

the tent was made, the back of the pickup was full of blankets, and the six other boys stood in multiple places when chan and jisung arrived back. immediately, they started to prepare the campfire.

it was probably past midnight, and the moon shined right above the eight friends. they all sat in a circle, telling each other random stories here and there. felix had his eyes glued to his nintendo switch, while jeongin and seungmin continued toasting marshmallows over the fire.

chan sat in silence. woojin had told him that he was coming, but he couldn't see him. he never showed up. part of chan was disappointed, but he knew all too well that he wasn't supposed to be. woojin wasn't obliged to go with them. it was his choice if he wanted to. it will always be his choice.

_maybe_ , chan thought, _we'll see him in the morning. maybe he's just pranking us._

suddenly, chan heard rustling in the leaves in the northeast side of the clearing. he suddenly stood up.

"uh, binnie," he said. "there aren't any animals out here, right?"

"you kidding?" changbin said, eyes not leaving felix's nintendo switch. "i don't think so. it's safe. none of us are gonna—"

"woojin," chan exhaled.

"what?"

in the northeast part of the clearing, chan swore he saw woojin's tuft of brown hair. he started walking towards him. "hey, guys!" chan called, "woojin's here!"

"huh?" jisung got up from the ground, turning to where chan was running. "chan hyung! where are you going!?"

"fuck," changbin muttered, getting up as well. "hyunjin, go follow him."

"changbin, what's up?" hyunjin asked.

"i don't know," he answered. "but i'm sure as hell he isn't there."

hyunjin nodded before sprinting off to find chan.


	31. clé 6: chan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which the truth finally comes out of felix's mouth, and chan is caught in a state of confusion.

**_31 — CLÉ 6: CHAN_ **

hyunjin ran into the woods in attempt to find chan. he spotted the latter continuing to run towards nothing. "chan hyung!" hyunjin called.

"woojin!" chan continued to yell. "bro, there's a campfire! join us! it's okay if they see you!"

"chan hyung!" hyunjin called again. he looked around, but as chan continued to run deeper into the woods, he still saw nothing, except for the occasional lizard on the trees. "he's not here, chan!"

"no, jinnie, i saw him!" chan said, making a left turn.

"hyung, let's go back! we can't be in here for long or we'll get lost!"

hyunjin groaned. it was his first time to see chan like this, so vulnerable, and so lost. hyunjin thought that maybe chan had been repressing his memories of the incident all along, or maybe deep down, he still didn't accept that he was gone.

"chan hyung," hyunjin exhaled, making a stop. he rested his hands on his knees. unfortunately, chan was a fast runner. he'd won the 400-meter race in the school's sports day every year. there was no doubt he had a little bit of a wild animal in him, hyunjin thought.

_wait,_ he thought. _acceptance. is that chan hyung's key?_

the ravenette started looking urgently. he needed to catch up on chan immediately and tell him, but because of stopping for a second to breathe, chan was too far off.

"fuck," hyunjin muttered.

meanwhile, a couple meters away from hyunjin, and a lot more from the camp, chan was frantic. he knew he saw woojin hiding behind the bushes back at the camp. but the rustling had stopped, and he was left alone in the middle of the woods.

he continued turning in circles. "hey, woojin! we found felix!" he called. "we can all be together tonight, let's go!"

the world seemed to stop right in front of chan. the crickets stopped chirping, the wind seemed to stop blowing, the leaves came to a pause, as if some bigger creature in the universe had to go on a bathroom break before seeing what would happen next to chan.

suddenly the leaves started rustling again. chan's frown immediately turned into a grin. "i knew it!" he said, walking towards the sound of the leaves.

but then, it wasn't woojin who emerged from behind the large tree in front of him. it was—

"felix?"

"chan—"

"what're you… did you see him? did you see woojin?" chan asked, still looking around.

"chan, listen," felix said. "i thought you'd realize it by now—"

"felix, what's happening? what're you doing? how did you get here so fast?"

"chan, he's trying to say goodbye," felix said. "he's leaving."

chan stood there, looking confused. none of what felix has been saying was making sense. none of anything that involved felix made sense.

felix pursed his lips and pulled chan into a hug. "they're gonna be looking for you soon. i'll say goodbye to hyunjin and jeongin when i can. i promise."

"...you?"

chan then started to hear hyunjin calling out his name as felix pulled away. "look, they're all trying to find you," felix said as chan turned back.

suddenly, felix's voice turned into woojin's. "bye, channie. i know i suck at goodbyes but it's the only way."

chan turned back and neither felix nor woojin stood in front of him anymore.

soon enough, hyunjin caught up with chan. trailing behind him was changbin and… felix.

"chan hyung," changbin said. "what's happening?"

chan looked at felix who was looking back at him with equal confusion plastered on his face.

"lix, you were just here…?" chan said. "you… you talked to me. you said he was saying goodbye and then i heard his voice say it and then you guys came but before that felix hugged me and—"

"that wasn't me, hyung," felix said. "it was woojin hyung…"

"... what?"

and then chan realized why he didn't hear felix use any kind of honorific as he spoke to him. this time, both hyunjin and changbin turned their attention to the freckled boy.

_here goes,_ felix thought.

"the reason why i was kinda… away for a while," felix started. "was for him to be able to show himself to you guys, to talk to you. i'm not sure how to explain it because even _i_ don't understand it that much. but there was a certain day after he left when he came into my room. i was doing homework that time…"

"you can imagine show scared i was to see him again, knowing he was gone," felix chuckled. "but he told me… he asked for a favor. do you guys know how hosts work?"

"you're crazy," hyunjin said.

felix nodded. "i know, but it's kinda like that. he took form… in me. that's why i remember things i know i didn't witness; jeongin carrying the bottle of pills, hyunjin's anger towards woojin hyung, that meeting in the hideout, the voices chan hyung could hear, seungmin's worries about hyunjin's smoking habit."

"fuck, you can't be serious," changbin muttered, crouching on the ground. he burried his head in his hands. "fuck!"

"it was all hardwired into my brain somehow, but i don't remember the details," felix continued. "he thought of staying… but he knew he couldn't, especially not if his presence made you guys sad and angry," he gestured to hyunjin.

"but… how come minho and jisung knew about your presence?" chan asked. "why couldn't they see him?"

felix sighed. "i guess he had a lot of things to fix with you guys before he really left. he already gave his last favor to jisung, hence the letters. for minho hyung, i'm not sure.. but he told me that the more minho hyung would be reminded of him, the more he'd wanna let go, too."

"then why the fuck did he leave if he wanted to stay?" hyunjin asked, balling his fists despite them hurting due to his fight with jisung. "why did he want to come back and spend time with us after what he did? why did he do this to us? to chan hyung? to jeongin!?"

"i don't know, hyunjin!" felix snapped. "but it is the way it is now."

chan already had a hand on hyunjin's arm.

"i told him he could stay," felix said. "i said, _'hyung, you can stay if you want to. it's no big deal.'_ but it was," felix looked back where they came from. he knew that soon enough, their friends would be looking for them. "he told me that he already made his decision and that…"

"that what, felix?" changbin asked, standing up.

"i would have to pay the price if he stayed," felix answered. "if you guys get to see him all the time like nothing is wrong, and soon, even jisung and minho would, you would never be able to see me again. if he were to stay, i would… be gone… i'm not sure how that would work but it scared me… i don't want to be gone. and he understood. he said it wasn't selfish of me."

"hyunjin!" they heard seungmin's voice from afar.

felix sighed. "the reason why you guys started seeing me again is because we decided to cut it off, to finally cut ties. that's why he's been saying goodbye… because i'm here now."

chan tilted his head to stop his tears from falling, but it was too late. soon, they continuously rolled down his cheeks.

"i'm sorry," hyunjin spoke.

"it's okay, jinnie," felix said. "come on, guys. we have to go back."

as the four friends started walking back to their camp, hyunjin tapped chan on the shoulder. "hyung," he said.

"not now, jinnie," chan said. "i'm going crazy. i probably need some sleep."

from his right, changbin laughed. "i said that one before. but it turns out i'm not crazy. that means you're not crazy, hyung. but i guess you do need sleep. all of us do."

"hyung," hyunjin repeated. "i think… i think i found your key."

the word key made changbin and chan stop walking.

changbin's eyebrows met. "impossible."

hyunjin laughed. "possible, because i just did it."

chan smirked. "oh yeah, hwang? what's my key then? i doubt you really found it, hyunjin. i'm way too focused on finding—"

"acceptance," hyunjin said. "your key is acceptance. for the past what, seventy five days? all you've been doing is trying to distract yourself, hanging out with us, and just a couple minutes ago, you insisted woojin hyung was here. but he wasn't. you continued living in the past while talking about the present. i know that's what's been draining you lately. so yeah, i guess you do need sleep."

with that, hyunjin patted chan's shoulder, winking at changbin in the process before skipping towards felix who was already meters away from them.

"hey, felix, wanna play mario kart?" changbin heard hyunjin ask.

he then turned to chan, who was still evidently shocked by hyunjin's revelation. "hyung, your reaction could only mean two things: hyunjin is wrong and you can't believe he played you like that or hyunjin is right and you can't believe he told you before you told us."

chan rolled his eyes, pushing changbin. "shut up, binnie."

chan's utter denial made changbin laugh. "well, hyung. welcome to the club."

"ha ha," chan said. "fine, even if it _is_ true… jeongin's and felix's are still missing? and i have no idea where to find them."

"honestly, hyung?" changbin said, picking up a rock and throwing it somewhere to his right. "i think felix is part of your key, which means _he's_ a key and we don't need to find one for him."

after a brief pause, chan said, "you think so?"

changbin nodded. they could see the clearing perfectly now. jeongin and seungmin were talking to felix and hyunjin while minho sat by the campfire. "yeah. i don't think there's anything missing for felix because well, _he_ was missing. so i really think he's a key—yours in particular."

they finally reached the clearing, and changbin suddenly missed the wide space. the forest was creeping him out, and he was more than happy to be back where all his friends were.

"chan hyung!" jeongin called, waving his hand.

"hyung," changbin said, grabbing onto chan's arm before he could walk away. "the only key left to find his," he gestured to jeongin, "and i'm not sure how we'll get it, but i doubt we won't ever find it. jeongin's pretty easy to read."

chan nodded. "right. well, see you at the finish line?"

changbin laughed. "i think it's the start line, hyung. so you better double knot your shoelaces before running. we can't have you tripping over again."


	32. the rest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which everyone else finds out about the truth, and a call is received in the dead of night.

**_32 — THE REST_ **

"what happened back there?" seungmin asked. "chan hyung, what's wrong?"

the older boy shook his head, sitting on one of the blankets by the fire. "it was nothing, i'm sorry for making you guys worry."

"hey, you could've been lost, chan," minho said, sitting next to him. "of course we'll be worried."

"i have a question," jisung spoke as he played with a twig. "i mean… i don't get it, but why did chan hyung say he saw woojin hyung?"

felix and changbin exchanged looks.

"you saw woojin hyung?" jeongin asked, sitting straight. "is he here? is he going to spend the night with us?"

minho looked at hyunjin, who immediately avoided eye contact. "i think i'm missing something here," he finally said. he gestured to jeongin. "how come innie doesn't sound mortified that chan thought he saw woojin? why don't… _any_ of you seem surprised? is he really…"

felix licked his lips. "hyung, let me explain to you."

he then started explaining to the four boys what had happened in the forest. he started telling them about woojin's request, woojin's appearance, his own disappearance, the price he had to pay to let woojin stay, and every single detail he could remember about his deal with woojin.

it was painful to see their reactions. jisung had stayed silent as he continued playing with the twig in his hands, tears rolling down his chubby cheeks. minho stared at the early morning sky next to chan, who was rubbing his back. seungmin was crying on hyunjin's shoulder while jeongin mindlessly drew on the ground with the tip of his shoe. 

"so… you guys have been talking to woojin all this time?" minho asked. "and he never even showed himself to me..?"

"hyung," felix said. "that day you attempted to drown yourself in the tub… that day when changbin hyung came? i was there… _he_ was there. he wanted to show himself but he couldn't."

minho froze, remembering that day. he was right all along. before he opened that door, he knew it wasn't changbin who was standing behind it. he felt another presence, a familiar one.

"ah, when is all of this going to _end,_ " jisung whined as he buried his head in his hands. "i'm so tired of crying! i'm so _tired_ to pretending to be okay!"

"jisung—"

"hyung," he turned to chan, "hyung, i'm _so_ tired."

"i know, jisung," chan said, "i'm sorry. even i didn't expect any of this."

"i don't want to go home anymore," jeongin said, walking towards the tent. "everyone just doesn't shut up about anything that involves woojin hyung's death. i don't know what to tell them, i don't know what to _do_. it's annoying, and i'm sure you guys know what it feels like."

"that's why were all here," changbin said, stepping in the middle. "guys, please. now isn't the time to give up on anything that involves this friendship. we're all tired, i know. but we're on this trip to gather ourselves once again… woojin hyung… he said his goodbye, in the letters, through felix. he made his choice. and i know that it's been so hard for all of us, but please, please hold on. we have to continue this journey. i don't want to lose any of you anymore."

jeongin sighed. was it really going to matter? after the semester, his mom would be preparing to send him away. whether tonight would end well or not wasn't supposed to matter anymore. 

before changbin could continue talking, a phone started ringing.

"it's not mine?" felix said.

"not mine either," hyunjin said, his phone in hand.

seungmin then started feeling around his pockets. his phone wasn't in any of them, and the ringing was coming from the back of the pickup, where his and hyunjin's bags were.

"it's mine," seungmin said, sprinting towards the car. after fishing it out from his bag, he checked the caller's ID.

**_mrs. yang is calling_ **

he turned to his friends. "it's jeongin's mom," he said.

"shit, what're we going to say?" hyunjin said.

chan stood, walking towards seungmin. "i'll uh… pretend to be a teacher, hurry!"

"hyung, his mom knows your voice," seungmin whined.

"just!"

seungmin accepted the call.

"mmm, hello? mrs. yang?"

the rest of the boys walked towards seungmin and chan, trying to hear what jeongin's mom had to say. seungmin then put her on speaker.

_"seungmin? thank goodness! i've been trying to call jeongin for hours! i'm so worried!"_

jeongin mentally face palmed himself. his phone had been destroyed from his plunge into the water back at nami island, so of course he wouldn't recieve any of her texts or calls.

"ah.. uh, sorry, mrs. yang. we uh," seungmin looked at his friends, worry evident in his face, "we had a lot of activities. jeongin's asleep… considering it's… 2:45am…"

he heard mrs. yang sigh from the other end of the line. _"can i please talk to him? just to know he's alright?"_

"um.. okay, mrs. yang," seungmin said. he then handed the phone to jeongin, who almost tried to shove the phone away. he didn't want to talk to his mom. he didn't want to remember what she said about him leaving soon.

"just make it sound like you just woke up," felix whispered.

"uh… jeongin," seungmin said, a smile starting to form in his lips. it was a stupid thing to do, pretending that they were somewhere they weren't. but it seemed to lift the heavy feeling everyone was experiencing at that moment. "jeongin, wake up. it's your mom."

this time, even the other boys suppressed their laughter. minho had to put his hand over jisung's mouth to keep the boy from bursting out laughing. this causing him to wince instead since his lip was swollen, but minho seemed to care less.

"mmm? hello?" jeongin said, trying his hardest to sound sleepy.

_"yang jeongin! why haven't you been answering my calls! i was so close to calling your teacher!"_

"mom, i'm alright, i'm sleepy," jeongin said.

jeongin's mom sighed. _"next time, answer my calls, okay? you know how worried i am. i'll pick you up tomorrow."_

"no!" jeongin exclaimed, a little bit too loud for his liking.

the rest of the boys either had their lips pursed in disappointment, had a hand on their forehead, or were biting their bottom lip to prevent themselves from laughing even harder.

"no, mom," jeongin said, more calmly this time. he made a punching gesture towards jisung, who was able to break free from minho's grip and was laughing soundlessly. "chan hyung… he invited us to his apartment for lunch. uh, i'll be going with seungmin and the others."

_"jeongin—"_

"please?"

_"fine,"_ his mom finally said. _"please be careful, jeongin."_

he rolled his eyes. "yes, mom. bye."

the call ended, and immediately, jisung burst out laughing like it was the last thing he wanted to do on earth. it was nice to see jisung laugh like he wasn't just crying a few minutes ago. jeongin could fully see the tear stains on both his cheeks, but the laughter that came out of jisung's mouth seemed make things feel a lot less leavy.

"dude!" felix exclaimed. "that was close!"

"she's gonna kill me once she finds out my phone is long gone," jeongin said, staring at the ground.

chan walked nearer to the younger boy and placed a hand on his shoulder. "accidents happen, innie. she'll understand."

"can we go sleep?" minho asked as he yawned. "today's events have totally drained my energy."

"minho's right. i think we're all really tired," chan nodded. "who's staying in the tent?"

all the boys except for seungmin and hyunjin raised their hands. "we're staying in the pickup," hyunjin said.

"alright, let's get some rest," changbin said, following minho into the tent. "good night, guys."

the others started filing in the tent while seungmin hopped in the back of the pickup to fix the makeshift bed for him and hyunjin.

hyunjin would've wanted to sleep already, too, considering it was just a few hours before daylight. but there was one thing that bothered him.

"hyung," he said, tapping chan on the shoulder as the latter stood just outside of the tent, making sure everyone fit inside.

"oh, jinnie, what's up?," chan said, turning around. "you wanna be in here, too?"

the younger boy shook his head. "you forgot to tell me the third line you said you highlighted from the poem you read."

it took chan a moment to remember what hyunjin was talking about. minho was right. the crazy amount of events that day had drained every ounce of energy left in him. but then, he remembered what hyunjin was trying to say.

"i was thinking about it for a while," hyunjin continued, "and i'm quite curious to know the third line."

chan nodded, looking into the sky. " _'will you be singing still when you're thin air?'._ that's the third line… i'm not sure why, and there might not be a reason why that line spoke to me, but it did."

"he loved singing," hyunjin said, lettingout the slightest smile. "maybe that's why."

"maybe. maybe it's like, _'would he still sing even if he were a ghost? would he continue to harmonize with the earth?'_ ," chan shrugged, shaking his head, "we may never know. but at least he can rest easy now."

"you think he would?"

chan nodded once again. "i'm sure he would."

"okay, thanks hyung," hyunjin said. "i'll be able to sleep soundly tonight.

"you're welcome, jinnie," chan said, tousling the younger boy's hair. "good night. sleep well."


	33. the home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which felix wakes up to a bright sunny day, and realizes what his friends really are to him.

**_33 — THE HOME_ **

if it wasn't for the drool that was dripping out of felix's mouth, he would've had more sleep to consume. instead, he woke up next to jeongin, who was sleeping soundly.

 _why is jeongin still cute even when he's asleep?_ felix thought. _that's no fair._

he looked around the tent. at the far end, changbin's back was turned towards them as he hugged his pokémon plushie named gyu. he then got up, rubbing his eyes in the process.

outside, he was greeted by the bright sun that loomed over them. there was a little bit of smoke left from the campfire from the night before, and right by the pickup, chan, minho, jisung, seungmin, and hyunjin were playing a game of _red light, green light._

"can i join!?" felix exclaimed, jumping up and down.

"you'll be it, then!" jisung called. "i suck at this game."

"hah, no problem!" felix said. although it kind of _was_ a problem. he wasn't very familiar with all the games his friends made him play. but it didn't really matter. felix always wanted to have fun with his friends.

after a few rounds, the six boys grew tired and sat in the back of the pickup. it was also then when changbin and jeongin emerged from the tent.

"good morning, sleepyheads," chan laughed.

"i'm hungry," jeongin whined, eyes still half closed.

"i know," seungmin laughed. "we all are. i can't believe we forgot to bring enough food and water."

"let's just pack our stuff and drive back into the city," chan said. "what do you guys think about that?"

changbin nodded, still hugging his pokémon plushie. "why are you guys panting so much?"

"played games while you two were asleep," hyunjin said.

"you played games without me!?" changbin exclaimed. if he had a little ounce of sleepiness in him, it was now gone. "this is treason!"

"not our fault you slept in," seungmin remarked.

"i was tired."

" _i was tired_ ," seungmin mocked.

"hey!" but before changbin could march towards seungmin, his stuffed pokémon in the air, ready to whack, seungmin jumped down the pickup and ran farther away.

"come back here!" changbin yelled, chasing after the latter.

"so, uh," chan checked his watch, turning to the remaining boys. "it's surprisingly still a bit early, but none of us has eaten, so i guess we have to pack up."

it wasn't long before all the things were neatly packed, and all their bags were safely kept inside the car. if anything, it was probably their hunger that motivated them.

changbin had stopped chasing seungmin around the area. now, the latter walked around, camera in hand, taking random photos of his friends.

when chan noticed, he immediately called the younger boy. "maybe we should take a new photo of all of us?" chan asked. chan had a plan in his mind, something that would hopefully make one of his friends happy again.

seungmin then smiled. "that's a great idea! i'll set it up on the pickup."

as chan called the other boys for the photo, seungmin concentrated on setting the camera on the floor of the pickup's back. after a couple pictures, the eight boys then hopped in the car once again. minho sat in the passenger's seat, seungmin, jeongin, and hyunjin in the backseat, and changbin, felix, and jisung were at the back, yelling jokes at each other.

"this is gonna be cheesy," felix said, as he sat on the pickup's floor. "but yeah, you guys really _do_ feel like home to me."

jisung squinted as the sun's rays rested on his face. he cracked a smile. "likewise, yongbok… likewise. rebuilding this home would probably take some time, but that's okay."

"besides," changbin spoke, "there's so much more waiting for all of us. and i can't wait to see us all grow into the people we wanna be."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **honestly, here's a bright and positive chapter! i think we all need a break from the heavy feeling the paat chapters have been giving us ƪ(˘⌣˘)┐ anyways, i finished writing this book last may 9th, which also marks the 5th month since this book started lmao.**
> 
> **if you reached this far into the book, thank you so much for giving time to read. it means so much to me. thank you also for the comments and the kudos!! <3 i might write something new when i'm done with this book heh. and ofc, it'll be angst again ,,, oh well. bye :>**


	34. the price

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which things fall in place after a price has been paid.

**_34 — THE PRICE_ **

the car ride back was full of music and singing. all the windows were down and everyone sang in different pitches. it was a sunny day. it was perfect for a picnic, or to hangout with his friends at the arcade when they get back to the city. however, jeongin couldn't help but feel sad and anxious. he knew that this would end soon, and that he had to tell his friends about his mom's plans.

he battled whether or not he should just tell them. after all, no one kept secrets anymore. it was just him now.

"you okay?" seungmin asked, nudging jeongin's arm. "your favorite song's been playing for the past minute but you haven't said anything."

jeongin shook his head. "nothing, i'm just… sad. i don't want this to be over yet."

the brunette smiled. "i know, jeongin. is there anywhere else you wanna go to after we eat?"

he looked down at his arms. jeongin had already forgotten the pain he felt from the cuts. despite the redness, it didn't feel so bad anymore. _it's the placebo again_ , he thought.

"i'm not sure… what if my mom checks the school and finds out we aren't even there?"

seungmin turned his head towards chan, who was trying to wipe the side mirror with his hand. "chan hyung will know what to do," he said. "if anything, we'll be with you through it. it isn't like she'll ban you from hanging out with us. besides, she's just worried, you know. don't worry, jeongin. we'll always be here."

**-•3•-**

"ew, jisung, stop playing with your noodles!" changbin exclaimed as he tried to shove jisung off of him.

jisung laughed. "don't tell me _you've_ never pretended to have a noodle mustache."

"you two, shut it," chan said before sipping the soup on his spoon. "just eat, and be quiet."

"are we really hanging out at chan hyung's apartment after?" felix asked. "i miss going there, honestly. and that _is_ what jeongin told his mom last night, so i guess we should be there before she arrives or something?"

minho nodded. "that's a great idea. so she wouldn't know we weren't anywhere near the city since yesterday."

"are you forgetting that it's _my_ apartment too—"

"and we're all probably tired from the trip," hyunjin said, interrupting jisung. "maybe we can nap when we get there because this meal? _this_ is going to make me sleepy considering _someone_ kept hogging the blanket last night."

"hey, i was cold!" seungmin laughed..

"alright," chan said. "we can do that. i'm not sure if the place is clean, though."

"i mean, what do you expect, hyung?" jeongin said. "you live with jisung."

"hey, i barely get up from bed!"

"that just proves how lazy you are to clean, dumbass," minho said.

"i'm not—"

"okay, calm down, buddy," chan said, putting a hand on jisung's shoulder. "anyway, since we're all back, i might have to go to work tonight, just because."

"you sure about that?" changbin asked. "you're pretty tired from all the driving, hyung."

chan shook his head. "i'm fine, binnie. don't worry about me."

the eight boys then finished their meals. it took a while before jisung was done since he spent a lot of time on his phone. seungmin on the other hand, took the opportunity to snap more photos of his friends. it was a new start, and he wanted to make sure to capture the candid smiles on their faces. this time, it felt real to seungmin.

on the way back to chan and jisung's apartment, jeongin felt his heartbeat get faster. what was this anxiety he was feeling? why did he feel like something wrong was going to happen?

"shit."

"what?"

"jeongin's mom is calling again," seungmin said, eyes glued to the screen of his phone.

"give it," jeongin said, putting his hand out.

from the passenger's seat, seungmin handed his phone over to jeongin. with a deep breath, jeongin accepted the call.

"mom—"

_"yang jeongin! where are you!? why are you not answering your phone?"_

"i'm," jeongin glanced towards chan, "i'm at chan's place, mom. don't worry."

_"are you quite sure about that? who is with you, jeongin?"_

"everyone else is," jeongin answered. "seungmin, hyunjin, felix, changbin hyung, jisung, and even… even minho hyung."

there was a short pause before jeongin's mom spoke again with words none of the boys wanted to hear.

 _"then why isn't there anyone in bang chan's apartment right now?"_ his mom said.

jeongin froze, and looked at seungmin who already had his eyes locked on him.

"y-you're… you're at chan hyung's apartment?"

"shit," changbin muttered from next to jeongin. as they rolled into the parking lot of the apartment building where chan and jisung lived, jeongin caught a glimpse of a very familiar car.

"jeongin," chan said, "isn't that your mom's car?"

_"yang jeongin, where are you!"_

"we just arrived, mom," jeongin said, ending the call.

after getting the car parked, the eight friends hopped out, hearts beating rapidly inside their chests.

"chan hyung, what're we gonna say?" felix asked as they watched jeongin's mom come out of the driver's seat of their car. she then started walking towards the group of friends.

"chan hyung, that's mrs—"

"shut up, jisung," changbin interrupted.

it felt like an eternity, watching his mom walk towards them. jeongin's heart was beating so fast he could almost feel the pressure reaching his wounded arms. he never liked being scolded, especially not in front of anyone, let alone his friends. but jeongin was sure that this time, he wouldn't be able to get out of it.

"hi mrs. yang," jisung croaked, earning an eye roll from hyunjin.

"where did you go?" jeongin's mom asked, making it sound more like a statement. "jeongin, answer me."

"other… places," jeongin answered.

"what, all eight of you went together!?" his mom exclaimed. "where exactly did you go, jeongin?"

"we went to the place where people ride boats going to… nami… island," changbin said. "but mrs. yang, nothing really happened. we were all safe—"

"and why haven't you been answering your phone, jeongin?" his mom asked, cutting changbin off. "why do i always have to call seungmin to be able to talk to you? where is your phone?"

"i…"

"fuck," minho muttered.

"it got destroyed," jeongin answered. he looked at chan for a quick second, as if asking whether or not he should tell her what actually happened. "i fell into the water and it broke."

"you _fell!?_ " it was very much evident in mrs. yang's voice that she was upset and angry. and chan felt like he needed to do something about it, but he knew better. they did lie to her, they did put her son in danger, and they did leave her worried, so he stayed silent.

it took a moment for jeongin's mom to collect her thoughts. "do they know?" she then asked jeongin.

"mom—"

"do they _know_ that i'm taking you back to busan, jeongin!?" she exclaimed. "i was actually having second thoughts about sending you back home. but after this? you lied to me _again_ , you left me worried _sick_ , and these people you call friends put you in danger. how could you do this? this is too much, jeongin. this is _too_ much. your father and your brother have been worried about you but what did you do? you just let all of this happen without giving it _any_ thought."

"mrs. yang," chan spoke. "please, i'll take responsibility for this. i'm very sorry that this happened. i will be even more strict and careful next time."

"i'm disappointed in you, chan," jeongin's mom said. she then turned to seungmin, who was staring at the ground, trying to avoid the attention. "seungmin, i trusted you. you _all_ know jeongin's current condition and you just let things happen like this? i'm not sure i can let my son be friends with _any_ of you anymore."

"mom, it was my idea," jeongin said.

"that doesn't matter anymore, does it?" his mom said. "get in the car, jeongin. i'm going to talk to your school on monday about you dropping out this year. you're going back to busan whether you like it or not."

it hurt to hear those words, but jeongin knew it was coming. the felt his eyes sting until tears started falling from them. he suddenly felt as if he was floating, and everything around him was blurry. he turned to his friends, who all wore troubled looks on their faces. minho was crying on jisung's shoulder, chan had a hand on his forehead, while changbin, hyunjin, and felix had their eyes glued to the ground.

"innie." seungmin's voice seemed to snap him back into reality. "i'm sorry." his eyes were red, and jeongin could tell seungmin was trying to prevent himself from crying. jeongin pulled him in for a hug.

"i'm sorry for not telling you," jeongin sobbed. "i just couldn't."

it didn't feel real to chan; watching jeongin follow his mom into the car, watching him get in the backseat, eyes still stained with tears. it didn't feel real. chan thought all the worries were gone after the levanter. he was convinced everything was finally falling into place. he started to believe that all the pain and sadness they had experienced for the past months was finished.

but as jeongin's car drove away, it felt as if they were back to square one. as they watched jeongin's car disappear into the highway, it seemed as if they lost another one of them.

and then it hit him. it was real. jeongin was gone. the one person who seemed to glue everyone back together was gone.

and this time, chan wasn't sure if he'd succeeded at saving everyone. after all, there's always a price for everything.


	35. the feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which a friend shares a secret, and the unusual cold feeling is finally comforting.

**_35 — THE FEELING_ **

"hey bang chan!" yugyeom exclaimed as the australian entered the convenience store. "what're you doing here? i thought you couldn't come."

chan gave the taller boy a smile as he walked towards the counter. "who's covering my shift today?"

yugyeom tilted his head towards the left where mina sat on a chair, a notebook in her hand. she seemed so preoccupied that yugyeom had to nudge her foot for her to notice that someone else was there.

"oh? chan? i thought you asked me to cover your shift today?" mina asked, standing up.

"reviewing?" chan asked, gesturing towards her notebook.

she shook her head. "it's just for a presentation tomorrow."

chan nodded. "i take it back, you don't need to cover my shift."

"wait, why? what happened?" yugyeom asked.

chan let out a long sigh. "i don't think i can be alone tonight so i figured maybe i should just work to keep my mind off of things."

"you sure you're okay?" mina asked.

"yeah," chan answered. "i just need a little time to think things out."

**-•3•-**

"things didn't go so well?" yugyeom spoke after a long silence. the two boys sat in chan's pickup after their shift. he noticed the various pieces of trash in the car. they were all probably from the trip chan went on.

"it went alright," chan answered, tapping his hands on the steering wheel. "until one of us almost drowned."

"wait, what!?" yugyeom exclaimed.

chan nodded. "plus, they fought a lot throughout the trip. then some weird shit happened, and i thought i was going crazy, i wasn't able to sleep that much, and then now… jeongin's going back to busan."

"that younger boy you guys are friends with?"

"yeah, his mom is convinced we're bad influence."

"can i ask you a question without you getting offended?" yugyeom asked, turning towards chan. "why are you… friends with all these younger kids, anyway? i mean, how did it happen? i don't know, it's just a little weird to me because it's like being in a group of friends with little brothers."

chan laughed. "you're right about that, the brothers thing. sure, i'm older than all of them, but you'll be surprised by how mature they all are, especially changbin and jisung. even though they're technically 'kids', they don't really let that term define them. besides, i have minho with me to tame them."

"lee minho? that name rings a bell."

"he dances, like you do."

"ah! i've seen him in an event before in school," yugyeom said. "i think that was the opening ceremony. he's really good."

"he says the same about you," chan laughed. "anyway, i don't think we'll be seeing minho in school that much next semester since he told us he'll be doing other things for a while."

"i'm amazed at how well you keep up with your friends," yugyeom said. "it's like you know every detail that's happening in their lives."

"i think that goes for all of us," chan sighed. "we all really look out for each other. it's more than i could ask for."

there was a short silence that engulfed the two friends. they then started driving towards yugyeom's apartment. it took awhile for him to finally turn the music down, catching chan's attention.

"can i tell you a secret?" yugyeom asked.

chan nodded, eyes still glued to the road. "sure, you can trust me."

there was a pause before yugyeom said, "i know you can see your friend's ghost sometimes."

chan looked at yugyeom for a second, processing the words his friend had just said. "wait… what?"

yugyeom let out a small laugh as they stopped in front of the apartment complex where he stayed at. he sighed, before opening the door.

"i saw you talking to him once at the store," yugyeom said. "i don't know why i saw him either, but i hope you're okay. anyway, thanks for the ride, bang. i'll see you on your next shift."

and with that, yugyeom shut the car door, leaving chan dumbfounded.

**-•3•-**

jisung was sound asleep on the couch by the time chan arrived back at the apartment. the tv was still on, playing an episode from _green eggs and ham_ on netflix. why jisung was watching dr. suess, chan didn't know. but there was something about it that made chan smile. it was like he was reminded that sometimes, jisung just wants to be the kid that he is.

an empty water bottle sat on the coffee table alongside an empty plate with a fork on it.

_definitely cheesecake,_ chan thought.

"jisung," chan said, nudging the boy's arm. "ji, go to bed. you're going to be whining in the morning if i leave you to sleep here."

jisung groaned as he attempted to swat chan's hand away. "the suitcases… switched," he mumbled.

it was a weird sight, seeing dr. suess playing on the tv, the different colors dancing on jisung's bruised face. the black eye was more prominent now, and the bruise on his cheek was an angry violet.

chan laughed silently, not understanding what his friend had just said. he put his backpack down on the part of the couch that wasn't already occupied by jisung's body. he then bent down and lifted jisung's body up. effortlessly, he made his way to jisung's room (which smelled strangely of men's body spray), and set the younger boy down on his bed.

as he made his way out of jisung's room, chan's phone started ringing.

**_felix yongbok is calling…_ **

"lix," chan said, pressing the phone against his ear. "anything wrong?"

chan couldn't help but feel worried. it was like phone calls have become an omen of bad news. at least, it seemed that way ever since the incident.

_"channie hyung,"_ felix said. _"no, nothing wrong. i just wanted to make sure you're safe."_

"uh-huh," chan huffed, unconvinced. "what is it felix? is hyunjin being an ass again?"

_"oh, nah. after you left, though, he and jisung started yelling at each other. but changbin hyung shut them up,"_ felix said. _"and we cleaned the place before we left so you don't have to worry about dirty dishes and trash."_

chan couldn't help but laugh as he closed jisung's door behind him. "thanks for telling me," he said, sitting on the couch. he then paused the episode, not realizing he forgot that it was still playing.

"lix?"

_"still here."_

"don't leave again," chan said. "please."

_"i won't,"_ the freckled boy promised. _"and just so you know, i'm not mad that you kept it a secret—the one about jeongin."_

chan sighed. "i'm really sorry."

_"don't be. besides, who knows? maybe in two years, jeongin comes back and studies here, too? then we'd all be together again."_

this made chan smile. he was right about the positive energy felix seemed to emit. with felix, chan felt safe, like he was his home. he'd never admit it to the boy's face, but he made sure felix knew. everything seemed to be okay when felix was around.

_"hyung?"_

"yeah?"

_"i'm going to bed,"_ felix said. _"today's been a crazy rollercoaster ride. you should rest, too."_

"i will, alright. good night, felix. thanks for checking up on me."

the younger boy chuckled from the other end. _"of course. and hyung?"_

"mm?"

_"don't worry, okay? it's all good now, i promise."_

**-•3•-**

the air seemed cold that night as chan tucked himself in bed. it wasn't long before his eyelids started betraying him. no matter how much chan wanted to stay up, he knew his body was tired from all the driving and the working.

the day may not have turned out well, but he knew his friends were all safe and sound. and despite being disturbed by the unusual cold feeling inside his room, he knew for a fact that this time, no one was sitting on the other side of the room.

he was alone, and he didn't mind.


	36. the top

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which jeongin is really gone, and there's a newfound peace hyunjin had been looking for.

**_36 — THE TOP_ **

that monday, jeongin no longer went to school, and even though it worried changbin, he knew that he was okay. he was sure that his mom wasn't going to leave him out of sight. and even though it hurt knowing he was never going to see the fox-looking boy in a long while, it didn't quite matter since he was graduating that year.

in the hallway, jisung, felix, and their classmate, hwang yeji, were walking together. jisung was blabbering about a school project when he spotted changbin.

"hyung!" he called, waving his hand. jisung was wearing an eyepatch today to cover up his swollen eye, but the huge bruise on his cheek was giving it away, anyway.

"you seem unusually happy today," changbin told him.

"hyung! he's trying to make yeji do his project again!" felix exclaimed.

"jisung, how many times do i have to do your projects so you could leave me alone?" yeji asked.

"you—i help you out!" jisung said. he then turned to changbin. "hyung, i swear! they're ganging up on me! i help her out, i just make her do majority of them, but—"

"ji, explaining things in a rush doesn't really convince me," changbin laughed. "anyway, how's your ugly—i mean—swollen face?"

jisung's mouth dropped open. "excuse me, i am handsome and charismatic."

" _riiiight,_ " yeji said with a sarcastic tone. "if you're _so_ charismatic, why don't you ask help from the sophomores? i'm _sure_ your charisma would win them over."

"okay, now you're all ganging up on me!" jisung exclaimed, pouting. "but it's fine. went to the doctor yesterday. just about two weeks and i'll be good as new."

"hyung, have you seen hyunjin?" felix asked. "seungmin hasn't seen him all day, and neither have we."

changbin shook his head. "i haven't. i'll look for him during breaktime. you three get back to class or something."

"right, bye hyung," jisung said, and then proceeded to ask yeji to do his project.

it felt weird, being able to talk to his friends in school again since it rarely happened after the incident. it was as though things really have gone back to normal. the only missing piece was jeongin, but that was something they knew they couldn't do much about.

what changhin could do is find another missing piece to the normality of this high school life of theirs—hyunjin.

at lunch break, changbin immediately headed towards their old hideout. surely hyunjin would be there, probably having another smoke or sleeping on the bench that had hundreds of names carved into it. but hyunjin wasn't there. in fact, the hideout almost seemed dead to changbin, like there wasn't anything that gave life to it anymore.

he tried all the restrooms within their building but there was still no sign of hyunjin.

he finally tried the cafeteria where he saw jisung, felix, seungmin, and a dark haired girl who looked very familiar, sitting at one of the tables in the middle.

felix spotted him almost immediately, mouthing _hyunjin?_ but changbin shook his head. he didn't know where else hyunjin would stay in the school. the dance room only opened after class hours so he doubted he'd be there.

changbin sat next to the dark haired girl who was discussing something with seungmin. it then occurred to him who she was. choi jisu, the canadian girl who always gets chosen to emcee alongside seungmin. he wasn't sure why everyone called her lia instead of jisu, but that was none of changbin's business.

"i give up," changbin sighed.

"is he really nowhere?" jisung asked. "do you think he went to school today?"

"he has to," felix said. "we have rehearsals later."

"who are you looking for?" lia asked.

"hyunjin," seungmin said. "he wasn't in class, remember? and he wouldn't answer any of our calls or texts."

lia's eyebrows connected, a confused expression now displayed on her face. "but i saw him this morning. he was really early. i thought maybe he was pulled out of class for rehearsals but… i guess not?"

"wait so he's here?" changbin asked.

lia nodded. "well, i mean this morning. i'm not sure now."

"hyung, have you checked everywhere?" seungmin asked. "is there any place you may have forgotten?"

changbin shook his head. "no, i checked the hideout, the restrooms, i doubt he's in the library or the clinic, and the dance room is only open after class so i didn't bother to check there."

"hyung," jisung sighed, giving changbin a look. "you forgot to check one place."

"huh?" felix said. "where?"

jisung shook his head. "where else would someone want to smoke without being caught so easily?"

"wait, hyunjin smokes?" lia asked.

seungmin shook his head. "not anymore."

"oh i bet he still does," jisung said. "after the fight we had about the secret? it's the only way he'd relieve stress."

changbin groaned. "just tell us where."

jisung rolled his visible eye. "rooftop, duh."

"shit."

**-•3•-**

it had been a few hours since hyunjin arrived at the rooftop. it was peaceful and windy, and the sun didn't burn his skin.

it was day one without jeongin. he knew it wasn't that serious, and that jeongin would probably stay for a while before actually moving back to busan, but it hyunjin couldn't help but feel sad.

he was already half done with the box of cigarettes minho gave him, and it was only adding to his stress.

"i didn't know you liked rooftops now," a voice suddenly said.

hyunjin didn't know why he secretly hoped it was woojin. and even if it was, he had no other reason to talk to him, anyway. but it wasn't woojin. he knew that.

he turned to his side, where changbin and seungmin stood. jisung, felix, and lia were a couple feet away.

"oh, it's you," hyunjin said.

"you're not supposed to be skipping classes, hyunjin," seungmin said. "is there something wrong?"

he looked down at the three cigarette butts that rested by hyunjin's foot. "and i thought no more smoking," seungmin added.

"i was just finishing the box," hyunjin said. "nothing wrong. i just didn't feel like going to school, but of course my parents would kill me if i didn't go. how'd you find me?"

changbin tilted his head towards their three friends. "you can hide from us, but you can't hide from people who know us."

lia smiled, mouthing a _sorry_ to hyunjin.

"nah, it's alright," hyunjin said, turning his attention back to changbin. "i promise i was just finishing the pack and i'm gonna be done."

this time, felix, jisung, and lia walked over. "we have rehearsals later," felix said, putting a hand on hyunjin's shoulder. "you'll be there, right?"

hyunjin nodded. "yeah, sure. thanks for checking up on me, by the way."

changbin playfully shoved hyunjin. "ew, i hate being all mushy and sweet. let's just go back, please? my class is at the second floor and it's a pain to climb down the stairs."

"old man," jisung chuckled.

"pirate," changbin shot back.

the six friends filed back in the building, telling stories of all kinds, with jisung occasionally busting out a joke. it was weird—the feeling of being able to talk about things other than the incident, other than their feelings, other than their pain.

and although it was a weird feeling, changbin knew that it meant something good.

at least, he hopes it does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **i'm sorry if the quality of the past like, 3 chapters are crap. i promise tho, i worked hard for the last two and the ending : > thank you so much for reading!! and stream TOP!!**


	37. the request

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which minho is happy, and dahyun is an angel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **this was totally unintentional but today's dahyun's birthday and it just so happens that i'm scheduled to update today, and the chapter has a lot of her in it. it just makes me happy lmaooo and honestly this chapter was just so pure like we all need a happy pill like dubu**

**_37 — THE REQUEST_ **

it had been a week since the grand adventure, since he saw jeongin or any of his other friends. it was hard enough for him to say goodbye to the dead, and having to do the same to the living seemed unbearable.

but his decision was clear. he had accepted it, and he knew it was for the better.

"hey lee minho, where do i put your school books?"

minho rolled his eyes, suppressing a smile. he knew dahyun liked making fun of him and calling him by his full name. "can you _stop_ using my full name already?"

dahyun shrugged, standing in the doorframe of his bedroom. "it's more fun that way," she smirked. "now, where?"

from the living room couch, minho threw a throw pillow at her, which dahyun successfully dodged. it had already been an hour since dahyun arrived at minho's apartment to help him pack his things. minho didn't want to bother any of his friends, so he decided to ask dahyun, and the latter found it exciting.

minho and dahyun had developed a closer friendship ever since that day in the open field. he liked her a lot, but in a platonic way. she never runs out of things to say, jokes to tell, and sarcastic comments to share. there was never a dull moment with dahyun, and it seemed as though she was adding more color to his life.

minho liked that.

"there's a box under my bed—not the labeled one! it's in the left corner," minho said, turning back to the photos displayed in front of him on the coffee table. there were a decent amount of them—some were group photos, and some were just of him since seungmin liked using minho as a subject in his photos.

he smiled at the sight of one particular photo, a photo of all nine of them. seungmin had printed out eight copies to give to each of them, and it had been a while since minho saw that photo.

_"what's this?"_

_"nothing," seungmin shrugged. "just a picture of us. i thought you'd want a copy. i printed eight of them to give to you guys."_

_minho smiled. "thanks, seungmin. i'll keep it."_

"hey minho!" dahyun called from his bedroom. "wanna go for bingsu after this?"

minho put the picture down and walked to his room where dahyun lay on his bed, scrolling through her phone.

"you're tired already?" he laughed, leaning on the doorframe. "such weak bones, kim!"

"hey!" dahyun exclaimed, sitting up. "do you think putting all your heavy nursing books in the box was easy? and you do know i'm a strong woman myself—"

"yeah, let's have bingsu after this," minho cut her off. "looks like your exhausted body needs it."

dahyun rolled her eyes. "i'll give you a free pass today, lee. since you're moving and all."

minho didn't tell dahyun about his real plan. he decided it would be best for her not to worry about him, not that he was sure she would. but if there'd be one less worried person on earth, he would have it that way.

"thanks," minho said. "you know i'm moving because i hate you, right?"

dahyun paused, giving him a look. "you're _really_ bad at acting, wow. and besides, hate me? _no one_ hates me. in fact, you're never going to meet someone like me again. so consider yourself lucky."

minho then fake gagged. "ew," he laughed. "just get ready then. we should probably have bingsu now. my head hurts because of you."

**-•3•-**

dahyun let out a loud sigh, making a couple customers turn their attention towards them.

"can you possibly be a bit more annoying," minho said, running two fingers on his eyebrows.

"to answer your question, yes," dahyun said. "anyway, how're you holding up lately?"

minho shrugged. "i'm kind of bored, honestly. since i'm not in school anymore, i really have nothing to do."

"too bad you're moving," dahyun said. "i was really having fun being your classmate, you know."

"is that because i barely speak and you get to talk a lot when you're with me?" minho laughed.

" _well_ ," dahyun said, laughing as well. "that, and you seem so easy to talk to. you do know about a fourth of our classmates have crushes on you, right?"

"wait what?"

dahyun smirked. "yep. but anyway, you're really fun to hang out with, too. people know you as this studious guy who couldn't miss a quiz or he'd cry himself to sleep—

"excuse me—"

"but there's much more to you," dahyun finished, scooping up a spoonful of the bingsu. "there really is. too bad i wouldn't be able to find out more."

"you may never know, though," minho said. "i could be back real fast. that is, if you still want to be friends with me until that time comes."

dahyun rolled her eyes, leaving the spoon in her mouth. "of course i do," she said, taking it out. "you don't have to worry about me. i'm always here."

it was then when it hit minho. he never gave himself time to understand that he would have been able to form a new friendship in those months he tried killing himself. he never knew that there were nice things that were waiting for him after what happened. he just chose to ignore those things and live in the past, unknowingly pushing away the good things that were coming his way.

as dahyun continued to scoop spoonfuls of the bingsu, minho felt an unusual wave of positivity. one he could've felt a few months ago if only he decided to test the waters.

it had been three months since the incident, three months since the start of the drift, three months since the change of atmosphere. and it seemed like the trip he went on with his friends opened up a door to another world—a happier, company-filled world which minho didn't want to waste any longer.

he knew exam week was coming, and none of his friends would be free to hang out with anymore. he was going to miss jisung's visits to his apartment, chan's soothing words of motivation, changbin's concern for all of them, seungmin's witty remarks, felix's bright energy, and even hyunjin's texts when he wanted more cigarettes. minho knew it was a close relationship built by an unfortunate event, but it felt genuine.

and most of all, he was going to miss jeongin. he was never going to spend time in his apartment anymore, never going to sleep next to him in his small bed, never going to call him up when he needed to relieve stress, never going to ask for help in his homework. only god knew when minho would see his young friend once again.

he was just sure it wasn't any time soon.

"dahyun," minho said.

"hmm?" dahyun looked up from her phone, her spoon in her mouth again.

"thank you."

she took the spoon out and set it on her saucer. there was a certain look on minho's face, almost a sad one, but dahyun wasn't sure. "you're… welcome?"

"you're the last person i'm seeing before i leave," minho told her.

"you're not seeing your friends?" she asked.

minho shook his head. "that adventure we had… i think it was enough. and whether or not they remember me telling them that i'm leaving doesn't matter. i'm happy with the way things are now, and i can't make it any more difficult for them to say goodbye."

"maybe you should text them before you leave?" dahyun suggested. "you know, just so they know."

minho smiled. "yeah, i'll do that. thanks."

dahyun nodded. "now get that sad look out of your face, you look horrible."

minho rolled his eyes. even though it was almost 5pm, he knew dahyun still had a lot of energy stored in her body; which she would spend on annoying him even more throughout the day.

**-•3•-**

the sun had set, and the wind had picked up once again as the two friends walked by the han river. if it was time for dahyun to head home, she didn't seem to care as she continuously told minho stories like he was a little kid. 

"hey minho, i wanted to tell you something," dahyun said, as she halted. 

"what, that i'm ugly?" minho laughed. but when dahyun's expression didn't change, he knew she wasn't meant to tell a joke. "wait, is there something wrong?" 

"i've always felt like something was wrong when you started disappearing from class," she said. "i know i make jokes about you crying if you missed a quiz, but who knows if you _were_ , and if the reason is something else rather than a missed quiz? who knows what happens every time you're not at school?" 

"what are you…" 

"and then that first time we formally met, when i saw your arm… it made me feel guilty," dahyun continued. "i had questions like, maybe if i asked how you were that one chemistry class, or maybe if i joined you in the library during your free time… maybe if i did those things, you'd have someone to talk to." 

"dahyun—" 

she then put a hand on his chest, right where minho's heart would be. "i don't know what happened or what you're going through, minho. but i've seen the effect it had on you. and if moving away is going to help you, i'm all up for that." 

"thank you, dahyun," minho spoke. "i'm not sure how i'm supposed to react with your hand on me but—" 

dahyun laughed, pulling away her hand. "you're so stupid, sometimes. look at you ruining this moment." 

minho shrugged. "well, i'm a moment ruiner then." 

"i just want you to do one thing, minho," dahyun said. 

"what is it?" 

"i want you to go on adventures, meet new people, find parts of yourself you didn't already know, spend time with the people that you love, take every opportunity that comes your way, and chase whatever dream you have in that thick head of yours." she laughed. 

"that's not one thing," minho said, raising an eyebrow. "that's a lot of things, _plus_ some that i might not be able to do anyway." 

"minho." 

"what?" 

"i want you to live." 


	38. the normality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which felix is finally able to sleep in peace after everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **a/n: starting from this chapter until the last, there are (huge) timeskips, just so you guys know and won't be confused as to why it's suddenly this or that.**

**_38 — THE NORMALITY_ **

it was around past 11pm, and the darkness in his room seemed to carry a heavy weight. _or maybe it's just me_ , felix thought. he looked at the pile of papers woojin had left on his desk. there were times when he would just appear out of nowhere, like in the middle of felix doing homework or practicing his taekwondo.

but it had been weeks since woojin last showed himself. the papers were now left untouched. felix knew it was because he really left this time. he was never coming back.

it was still hard to believe for felix. how was woojin able to use him as a host? how was he invisible to his other friends? how could he remember woojin's experiences with the boys? everything still felt like a dream.

was it?

no, it can't be.

_"do you think we'd see him again?_ "

"who?" felix asked, sitting on his bed.

_"jeongin?"_ seungmin asked at the other end of the line. _"do you think he'll be back before we all leave?"_

felix pursed his lips. "honestly, i'm not sure. but i just hope he'll be okay. i didn't realize the amount of damage we've done to him."

_"and minho hyung,"_ seungmin said. _"did you receive his text?"_

felix nodded. "yeah."

it was also two weeks since minho had left. none of them saw him again after that day they came back from the trip. it was hard to believe that it was a month ago by now. it still seemed fresh in felix's mind.

**_"hey guys. i leave today. i just want to say that i'm thankful for everything you've done for us, and for yourselves. i'm sorry i became irresponsible, and that it resulted in something i never thought would happen. i hope by the time i get back, we'd all still be friends. i hope jeongin would be back by then, too. : > anyway, i'm not sure how i'll be able to reach any of you after this. but i hope i do. anyway whatever. i hate being cheesy. bye guys. i love u ew."_ **

seungmin laughed. _"it's weird to see him say he loves us."_

"yeah," felix laughed. "but he really does. he just shows it in other ways."

_"lix? i don't know if this is asking too much,_ " seungmin started. _"and i know it's been over four months since woojin hyung left but…"_

"go on, minnie," felix said.

_"remember my letter? it got lost when i jumped to save jeongin remember? do you happen to know what was written? i'm not sure, but i was just thinking that maybe you knew, since you kind of shared his mind for a while."_

felix sighed. he wanted to tell seungmin that yes, he did know what was written. he wanted seungmin to know what was in that letter that was written a lifetime ago. he deserved to. but even felix didn't know about the letters, and woojin had written them before he died. that meant woojin's memories when he was still alive didn't sync with felix's when he was already dead.

felix shook his head. "i don't, minnie. i'm sorry."

he heard seungmin sigh. _"it's okay, lix. maybe i wasn't meant to read it."_

"or maybe it's because he already told you what you needed to hear," felix said, remembering the time woojin talked to seungmin in the pickup.

_"yeah, and lix? i know we've all said this to you the day you came back but… i'm just so happy you're back,"_ seungmin said. _"this one whole month without jeongin and minho hyung made me realize how much we take time for granted. we never know when someone would just suddenly disappear."_

"no one's disappearing anymore, seungmin," felix said. "in no time, i'm sure all eight of us will find our way back to each other."

_"thanks for giving time to talk to me tonight, by the way,"_ seungmin said.

"no problem."

_"hold on, i just remembered i was supposed to send you something,"_ seungmin said, dropping the call.

it took a few moments for felix to receive the notification. he then opened the message as he lay flat on his bed.

**seungminnie**  
_not sure if you want a copy but i'm sending you one anyway. and merry christmas, lix._

____

attached to the message was a reminder of how many of them were still there, how many of them continued to stay after the incident. it was simple, and felix knew seungmin loved taking photos, but that particular photo seemed to hit differently. it seemed to tell a different story. 

__

____

__

a story of eight boys who continued to live for each other and for themselves after an incident that changed each of their lives.

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**felix**  
_i needed it, thanks seungmin. merry christmas!_

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it wasn't long until felix felt his eyes close as he scrolled through his phone. he didn't know what to expect in the next few days, even months. but it was almost relieving, because for the first time in a long time, he felt normal.

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he felt like himself again.

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	39. the light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which an achievement marks a new start, and something catches changbin's attention.

**_39 — THE LIGHT_ **

he looked around the gymnasium, worry evident in his eyes. it wasn't like no one was there with him. his whole family was—his parents and his older sister. but changbin was waiting for someone else to arrive, a group of boys in particular. he wanted them to be there, especially on this day.

he looked at the large screen. five more names were to be called before his. 

_"changbin hyung. we couldn't attend your graduation, sorry,"_ jisung had said.

it was fine with changbin, but he thought his friends were joking. why wouldn't they be able to attend his graduation, anyway? he was sure that their schedules were clear by then. four of them went to his school, and chan's semester was finished. so why couldn't they attend?

_three more names._

he and his classmates then made a beeline towards the stage.

"hey changbin," a voice said behind him. it was son chaeyoung, one of his classmates who was good at rapping as well. she was popular in school, one who would be invited to parties and dates, one who would need to bail on one to attend the other. she was a people person, and she seemed to radiate an energy that drew people in. chaeyoung had that effect on everyone.

changbin wasn't close to her, but the two had hung out a couple times, especially at the nearby underground rap scene of their town. she was a familiar face to changbin, but after the incident, he barely went to the gigs. he seemed to lose sight of the thing he loved the most and the people he could have been closer to if not for the incident.

but as chaeyoung stood there in front of him, uniform and all, changbin was reminded that their lives did not revolve around the underground rap scene. they both had lives above the ground, a life each full of puzzle pieces they had to fit in their own corresponding slots. it just so happened that his set was jumbled for the past few months, and he had to spend quite a while fixing them.

"hey," changbin said, putting his hand out for her to shake.

she playfully punched his arm. "what's with the fromality, seo?" she laughed. "we missed seeing you in the underground. too bad you never came back. anyway, congratulations for graduating as the coolest guy."

he laughed. part of him wanted to explain the reason why he never went to the underground anymore, but part of him also knew that she must've already figured out the reason why. so instead he said, "says you. but thanks. congrats, chaeng."

_"seo changbin!"_

changbin shrugged. "that's me."

he turned away and walked up the stage, plastering a smile on his face. the crowd clapped their hands as the camera crew took pictures of him and his other classmates.

 _this is it,_ he thought. _i'm finally finished with high school._

then, at the far end of the gym, he noticed a familiar mop of dyed blonde hair. it was chan. he just knew it was his older friend. soon enough, he noticed jisung as well, waving his arms in the air as hyunjin, felix and seungmin held up a banner with **CONGRATULATIONS SPEARB!** written on it.

the smile on changbin's face widened. there they were. the five other friends he was waiting for. he couldn't help but feel like they were incomplete. but he knew better than to bring that up to his friends.

what was important was that they were here with him to celebrate his graduation, to celebrate something that didn't always happen in everyone's lives. because graduations aren't always finish lines. sometimes, graduations mark the start of a new journey. it was indeed more than enough for changbin.

he wouldn't trade it for the world.

**-•3•-**

grand celebrations and parties were never something changbin looked forward to. so after the graduation ceremony, he and his friends ate food with his parents at a nearby restaurant and called it a day. 

but then, he knew that two particular friends of his wouldn't just leave him alone after a huge achievement. those two friends being the people he trusted the most out of his group, the people who knew all his worries and deepest desires, the people he loved making music with. 

"so hyung," jisung said, leaning his head back until he was laying on changbin's bed. he and chan had invited themselves over to sleep at changbin's house. he couldn't even remember the last time the three of them had done this, but here they were. chan was on changbin's desk, working on something in his laptop yet again. it had been months since he last quit the part time job he had. chan started feeling better, as he said. 

as for jisung, he had still continued writing music. he never stopped. but this time, he didn't force things out of him anymore. he didn't write until he was starving, dehydrated, and tired. he tried focusing on school more, and on his anxiety. he tried his best to calm himself down when no one was around, counting one to ten like his life depended on those numbers. it was a hard start, but changbin was proud of him for that. 

and now his two friends were in his room. it was also the first time he had switched on the light to illuminate the four corners of it. 

"what're your plans now?" changbin looked at jisung from his closet, finally tossing the younger boy a hoodie. jisung then caught it with ease. 

"music prod, maybe," changbin shrugged. "at least, if the university allows me to. i did miss a few days in school." 

"a few is an understatement," chan laughed from his desk. changbin shook his head, but he was smiling. chan was right, anyway. 

"yeah," he said. "but i think i'm going to do everything i can to enter music prod, anyway." 

"here in seoul?" jisung asked, looking at him this time. he sat there, looking small in changbin's hoodie, almost like the hoodie was swallowing him up. it reminded him of the days when he wanted his hoodies to swallow him up, to protect him from the world. he knew it would be suffocating, but the events that had unfolded in front of his eyes were suffocating enough that he didn't mind if that happened. 

****

changbin blinked, and jisung was still staring at him from the bed, socked feet now resting on the edge of the bed. "uhh… yeah," changbin said. "not snu, it's impossible to get there. but honestly, anywhere is alright as long as i get to do what i want." 

****

"so you're not leaving?" chan asked, closing his laptop. 

****

changbin shook his head, walking towards his window. the same window where he had talked with woojin when he incident was still fresh in everyone's minds. "don't think so," he said, looking out into the quiet neighborhood. "my parents haven't asked me anything about moving, nor which schools i want to go to. so i guess that meant we're staying." 

****

"wanna stay with us?" jisung chirped. changbin and chan were looking at him now. it would be the first time living without his parents, without his sister. but then, changbin was entering another chapter in his life. maybe he should start making bigger decisions now. 

****

"um…" changbin considered it, but he looked at chan for reassurance that maybe he wanted him to live with them as well. the latter smiled. "well, jisung and i were actually thinking of moving into a bigger apartment since one, i needed more space," chan gestured towards his laptop, "and yeah, we were thinking that maybe your parents would let you go now that you're done with high school." 

****

"hyung," jisung said. "i know it's gonna be hard moving away from your parents, but it happens sometimes." he smiled. "look at me! i'm brave? i'm great now!" 

****

"you cry yourself to sleep," changbin said. 

****

chan laughed as jisung gasped. "irregardless!" he exclaimed. "it's gonna be fun. besides, then we'd be able to make music together a lot more easier if you stay with us." 

****

"but of course," chan said. "you don't have to if you're not comfy yet. it wouldn't change our friendship, anyway." 

****

a comfortable silence consumed the three friends. changbin thought about the offer. he wanted to live with them. he wanted to start making decisions for himself. he wanted to fully move on and make a life out of what he wanted. changbin felt something boil in his insides. maybe it was excitement. maybe it was fear. but it didn't matter anymore. what mattered was that finally, he was stepping up to make his own decisions, not letting the past do it for him anymore. 

****

the night had ended well. after playing a couple videogames and working on music for a while, the three friends lay across together on changbin's bed. it wasn't like he wasn't close to them anyway. their friendship knot was tied so tightly that sometimes, jisung would sleep on top of chan or changbin would be hugging jisung for comfort. 

****

real friendship knew no malice, and changbin was glad his friendship with the two boys didn't float away as the days passed by, like the memories he had with woojin. it had been six months by now since he left. 

****

and changbin noticed that for the first time in a long while, the light in jeongin's room was switched off. 

****


	40. the peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which the misery has come to an end, and the changes have been accepted.

**_40 — THE PEACE_ **

the summer vacation before the second semester of senior year was filled with genuine smiles and photographs. seungmin had spent half of his vacation in jeju island with his whole family. he knew he needed a break from his reality back in seoul, no matter how normal things were now. he finished second in his class that year, hence the trip to jeju. seungmin wanted to do more, because he knew he was capable of more. and although no one in his class, nor his parents, nor his teachers had said it, seungmin knew that they were convinced it was because of the incident that he didn't finish first.

but he didn't protest against it. after all, they were right.

it would sometimes still appear in his dreams at night, woojin's lifeless body, the hospital, the crying, the yelling. but when he woke up to it, relief always washed over him. the pain was finished.

it was a new life now. a life where all eight of them had to live on. he would constantly look at the pictures he had taken, some from before the incident, and some from after—like during their little escape and changbin's graduation. he realized that he hadn't touched his camera ever since the incident.

seungmin loved taking photos of anything— sunsets, his friends, animals, sceneries; it gave him something to remember. each photograph held a distant memory stored in the back of his mind. it was the beauty of photographs. it captures the happiness you felt the moment it was taken, the joke released that made everyone laugh, the unfortunate event that came after. it literally captures every moment if you make it.

but that was the thing about photographs. it also captures memories that people didn't want to remember, it captures _people_ that seemed too unreal years after their hearts have stopped beating, trapping them in pixels and photo paper. maybe it was the reason why seungmin didn't touch his camera after woojin's death. 

he didn't want to capture memories from a world he wasn't part of anymore.

but the incident had also taught him that he should take photos unapologetically, no matter how bad the angles were, no matter how blurry they came out, because you would never know when you would lose something you love looking at or something you wanted to remember.

it had been a week since seungmin had come back from the family trip. maybe it was the water or the food he had eaten, but when he came back, he felt like a new person. someone brighter, someone stronger, and the person who noticed that first was his now boyfriend, hwang hyunjin.

"did you get highlights?" hyunjin asked, running a hand through seungmin's fluffy hair.

seungmin smiled. "got them before we left for the trip. do you like it?"

hyunjin then returned the smile. "i love it. you rock it so well."

seungmin felt his cheeks heat up. hyunjin was not a new person in his life, but he always seemed to make seungmin feel the way he did. hyunjin was popular, everyone knew that. he was handsome, and he could have things the way he wanted. but behind that front, behind the pretty smile, was a boy who needed constant guidance from his friends. it was a boy who needed reassurance in times of worry and low self esteem. and seungmin was thankful he was the first person hyunjin would turn to for everything—be it his achievements or his insecurities.

hyunjin had stopped smoking for a couple months now. it may have been the fact that no one would buy cigarettes for him anymore with minho gone, but seungmin was relieved. the angry hyunjin he and his friends had dealt with during the whole ordeal was nowhere to be found. he was now sitting beside a new hyunjin, or maybe it was the old hyunjin. but this was the more forgiving one, the more considerate one, and most of all, the one seungmin knew he really loved.

"what did you do half the summer?" seungmin asked, resting his head on hyunjin's shoulder.

"want me to be honest?" hyunjin asked, leaning his head on seungmin's. the han river was its usual self. people came and left, the sun was bright, happy, confident. it was fascinating to seungmin how everything around them seemed to be the same despite all the changes that happened the past year. it even made seungmin jealous of the river sometimes. it stayed strong, no matter how hot the weather becomes, no matter what storm rolls in. he wished that he could be like the river—continuously flowing, but still the same.

"i've been working out again," hyunjin said. "it's our last year in high school. i have to make it to the scholarship recommendations like i always had. i can't let the team down again."

"i'm sure you'll be recommended again anyway," seungmin said. "after all, you're hwang hyunjin."

hyunjin laughed, pulling his head away. it was nice to be with seungmin alone again. it was nice to talk about other things again aside from the incident. he was almost thankful they've moved on from what happened. all hyunjin had ever wanted was for seungmin to be happy, for seungmin to achieve every single goal he had written in his journal. he knew seungmin was destined for greater things. but when that night happened, seungmin's world seemed to stop, and hyunjin couldn't take it. that was one of the reasons why the anger started to boil inside him.

but seungmin was always the cold water washing over him in times when he thought he would burst into flames. seungmin had kept him grounded. "has minho or jeongin contacted you yet?"

seungmin sat up straight and shook his head. "i would have tried calling him but he lost his phone in the water that night, remember? as for minho hyung, i think it's either he's taking more time for himself… or he just isn't better yet."

"we should give him all the time he needs," hyunjin said, turning to look at the water.

"felix asked me this months ago but… do you think they'll come back?" seungmin asked, turning to face hyunjin. he studied the features of hyunjin's face—the tall nose, the mole under his eye, the sharp jawline, the black strand of hair that rested on his eyebrow—and smiled. he really was glad hyunjin was back.

"minho, i think he will," hyunjin said, eyes still glued to the water. "as for innie, it's hard to tell. he's in busan. we don't even have his phone number anymore, and we don't even have an idea what's been happening in his life lately."

"i wish he does," seungmin said.

hyunjin sighed. they all did. out of everyone in their friend group, jeongin was never the type to let things affect him, at least not in front of everyone. a C- could be improved, a punch in the face can be iced, an empty juice pouch can be replaced, someone who cut in line can be ignored. but a suicide was the breaking point, letting the inner jeongin, the one who cried to himself when he was sad, the one who displayed a bright smile to everyone despite a bad grade, out. he went spiralling down a black hole, bringing minho with him... or maybe it was the other way around.

but that didn't matter. jeongin and minho both thought their escape to each other was a refuge, not knowing it was just another battlefield. and the enemies they were fighting with were themselves.

but hyunjin had stopped worrying about them. they were in good hands, at least for now. he finally allowed himself to enjoy what was there, and not let the anger of the past swallow him up anymore. he allowed himself to enjoy being with seungmin that one summer day in the middle of the han river park, eating their favorite snacks and telling stories, planning the future, and just living as the people they were.

it was also the first time he had kissed seungmin, feeling every inch of his being melt and react and send fireworks up his head all at the same time. seungmin was hyunjin's person, and he always will be. he knew seungmin would be there for him through all of his ups and downs, through the worries and pain his heart couldn't take.

so hyunjin couldn't help but wear a genuine smile all throughout the day, even as he walked home from their little date. the neighborhood had been quiet, windows shut and doors locked at past eight in the evening. it was late, but it was summer, too. time didn't matter when it was summer. and even though it didn't, hyunjin was still surprised to see chan sitting on the front steps of his house, a backpack slung over his shoulder. he was on his phone, and the hood of his jacket pulled way below so it covered his eyes.

but hyunjin knew chan when he saw him. "chan hyung," hyunjin said, walking closer. "you're here."

the australian looked up, making the hood fall back a little, and smiled. "there you are," he said. "went here a few hours ago and asked if you were here. your mom said you were out."

"and they didn't let you in?" hyunjin asked in disbelief. he placed a hand on the doorknob, ready to twist it open, but chan stopped him.

"no, i asked if i could just stay here," he said. "i don't mean to stay for long. i've got a place to be right after."

"hyung, you've been waiting for hours—"

"it's fine, i knew you were with seungmin, and i didn't want to disturb you guys," chan said, smiling. "besides, felix came here with me for a bit but he had to go home at seven."

hyunjin nodded. "i'm sorry you had to wait."

chan shook his head. "anyway, i'm going down to the underground to watch changbin's performance. i'd invite you to come, but they don't let outsiders in that much."

he then opened his backpack and started rummaging through his items. finally, he pulled out a box with a happy birthday gift wrapper wrapped around it. it wasn't neatly done, but the ribbon on top made hyunjin smile. "it's not my birthday, though."

chan laughed. "yeah i know, i told jisung to buy a gift wrapper and he came home with that. he also did the wrapping so that explains the mess."

"what's this, though?" hyunjin laughed. "but thanks, hyung. i appreciate it."

"no need to thank me," chan said. "i'm just returning what should be yours."

chan zipped up his bag and slung it over his shoulder again. "oh and hyunjin? i'm really glad you're back. see you around." chan then turned and started walking away.

"wait, hyung!" hyunjin exclaimed, following chan. the older boy stopped on his tracks and turned around, raising both eyebrows. hyunjin wasn't sure if he wanted to ask chan the question that was in his mind. chan was happy now, more productive; he was going to enjoy the rest of the night somewhere in the city. and hyunjin didn't want to ruin the possible fun chan was going to experience. he was done with sucking the fun out of everything.

but a part of him wanted to know what chan had to say, so he gathered up the courage to ask him. "the keys…" he started. "you told me they were helping you get us back."

"yeah, they did," chan said. "what about them?"

"...were you able to find jeongin's before he left?"

the question seemed to catch chan off guard, and hyunjin almost regretted even opening his mouth to ask about the keys. but it was too late now. chan smiled at him sadly, shaking his head. "i don't want to think that i failed in finding it. sometimes i tell myself that maybe i wasn't meant to find it. that maybe we were all going to lose jeongin in the end." he then laughed. "of course, i don't tell myself that all the time because it'll make me seem like i'm just defending myself and justifying the fact that i wasn't able to find all the keys."

"do you… blame yourself for not being able to?" hyunjin asked, hugging the box closer to his chest.

chan shook his head. "no, not really. because maybe it was destined not to be found. but anyway, only time could tell."

hyunjin nodded. "thanks, hyung. be careful, okay?"

chan hugged hyunjin tight before letting go and disappearing into the night, blending in with the shadows with his black jeans, black backpack, and black hoodie.

hyunjin's room was tidier now—no more cigarette boxes scattered all over the place, no more lingering smell of alcohol and dirty clothes. his room was brighter, too—the lights switched on, sticky notes stuck on his mirror, the desk full of notebooks and textbooks he had to read over the last few weeks of summer, and the heavy energy his room seemed to radiate for the past year was gone like it all flew out his window.

he sat on his bed with the box on his lap. jisung was creative in all ways possible but gift-wrapping was not one of them. hyunjin smiled as he imagined jisung struggling to wrap the box. it wasn't a secret that he and jisung had a history—unnecessary fights and bickering about the smallest things, getting annoyed because the other wasn't good enough, not caring to listen to whatever the other had to say—but that was middle school and they had moved on from it. but the anger towards jisung during the whole ordeal seemed to have ignited the fire that was put out long ago, only this time, it was fully extinguished with the help of all their friends.

hyunjin and jisung were in better terms now, better than before. and he was relieved. they were growing up. it was time to move on from being angry with each other. after all, anger did nothing but destroy everything you've built for yourself and for others.

hyunjin then started tearing up the gift wrapper until the brown cardboard box was sitting in front of him.

he the lifted the lid and was greeted by what looked and felt familiar to hyunjin. he picked up the picture frame and turned it around, only to feel like he was taken back to that one morning in a month that seemed so far away by now. he looked at the smiling faces looking right at him—seungmin's, minho's, felix's, jisung's, changbin's, chan's, jeongin's, and even his own. their smiles had a hint of sadness in them, but they were all happy that moment.

another photograph that captured a feeling hyunjin would want to remember forever—the feeling of finding his way back to the people that meant everything to him.

he finally set the picture back to where it belonged, on his desk along with other things that reminded him of his friends—a necklace from seungmin, a ring from jeongin, the little birthday card felix had given him for his birthday. that was where the picture belonged. it belonged with the things hyunjin held close to his heart.

and even though none of them were sure if they would ever get jeongin and minho back, it was enough to know that they had spent enough time with them to know everything was alright again, at least for now.

hyunjin was walking over to his closet, wanting to put the empty box there for future purposes, when he noticed one last thing in the box. it was a little handwritten note from chan.

**_my dad told me this once, and i didn't need to be told twice. he said "remind your friends that there's nothing wrong with living again." and i hope it helps you, too. i'm giving back your picture frame with something maybe you'd want to look at this time. -chan_ **

hyunjin hadn't cried in a couple months. he never let it get to him anymore. he never allowed the tears to fall anymore. he didn't want to look weak anymore. but that summer night, alone in his bedroom, with the picture of eight of them right in front of him, hyunjin let the tears fall like tomorrow wasn't going to come, a familiar feeling he had always felt throughout the whole year. but this time was different. he knew tomorrow was going to come. he knew he had a lot more tomorrows to look forward to. 

in the case of those eight friends, the one person who seemed to complete their circle also turned out to be the one holding them all back. you lose some, you get some—that's what they always said.

losing _him_ was the most painful thing that may have happened. losing _him_ may have broken down walls of trust and walls of friendship. but losing _him_ also helped them build stronger bonds with each other and with themselves. losing _him_ allowed each of them to grow as the people they were growing up to be, and as friends of each other.

after all, you could never demand what life should give you. you could never really blame the universe for the decisions other people make. but sometimes, the world takes away things important to you to teach you a valuable lesson, whether you wanted to learn it or not.

21:20  
may 9, 2020

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **well, i'm here to thank you all so much for giving this fic a chance. it really does mean a lot. you guys' comments and kudos really make me happy. i started writing this fic kind of as a sublimation for the extreme sadness i felt back in december. thank you for... making things much better for me in a way. i love you guys.**
> 
> **also!! though this book is finally finished, as you can see, there are 42 chapters placed on there because i have two more special entries to let you guys read :D i hope you continue to wait for it. thank you so much.**


	41. epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it had been a long while since the incident.

**_— EPILOGUE: TIME_ **

the remnants of the cold winter air felt icy. it seemed to freeze the pavement, the trees, the buildings, and even the stone graves that stood together in endless lines.

he placed down the bouquet of flowers on the grave of a friend he used to have three years have passed. the coat he brought with him probably wasn't the best choice of his day.

"hey, hyung," changbin said, looking down at the grave in front of him. "i'm probably late. i'm not sure if the others have paid you a visit yet, but i decided to come anyway."

changbin pulled his coat closer to his body. he wasn't alone in the cemetery. despite the cold, there were a few other people who went there as well, visiting other loved ones who had passed on. for the past two years that changbin had been visiting woojin's grave, he had always thought that he was too young for something like this—something like visiting a friend's grave. but he soon realized that it didn't matter whether you were young or old. death never chose a minimum age when a person would die.

it had also been three years since he had seen a couple of his friends. he knew felix went back to australia for college, the boy wanting to spend more time with his family there. he was probably taking culinary arts, but changbin wasn't so sure anymore. it was also an escape, felix had explained. he wanted a break from seoul, and changbin didn't blame him. whatever made felix happy made him happy.

seungmin and hyunjin were around seoul somewhere, both attending the same university. seungmin was majoring in psychology, and had mentioned that the tight schedule and demands of college limited his time to hang out with friends. hyunjin was taking up performing arts, something changbin knew he would excel in. he wasn't sure either if they were still together. jisung had told him once that hyunjin and seungmin weren't in good terms. but that could just be jisung and his misunderstandings again. the squirrel looking boy was so busy these days that separating his work and personal life was confusing to him. all changbin could do was hope that the two were still together.

and along with that string of hope was another. it had been three years since jeongin and minho had left. he was disappointed when the two year mark had passed since he expected at least jeongin to come back by that time. he was just in busan, miles away, but still in the same time frame and lifetime. he never thought they would really lose him. not getting jeongin back still pained changbin. he was convinced that things were finally back to normal. _but maybe_ , he thought. _this_ was _the new normal._

as for minho, knowing whether or not he was back was almost impossible. he didn't have his contact number, and changbin had changed his just like chan and jisung had as well. over the span of three years, the three friends, who lived together in an apartment in the middle of seoul, had attracted agents and companies. changbin had left the underground rap scene. he no longer hid his real identity from the many faces he saw during his performances in the underground. the three of them had signed with a company, making them change all forms of contact they had. they were now making money as artists, producers, composers, and lyricists, even though at school, jisung and changbin were just their usual selves. chan was working full-time at the company. he had a lot of songs registered under his name now. changbin admired chan's neverending passion with music. after all, it was chan's gateway.

it was the life changbin had imagined he would live in. he was finally out of the bedroom, above the ground, showing who he really was to the world one song at a time. 

he sighed. "the three of us have a schedule tomorrow," he said. "it's tiring work, hyung. sometimes, i feel like quitting. maybe i could just work behind the scenes, stay at home all day while working on tracks. maybe i was just meant to be seo changbin, a music prod student who had to fight his way into the program. but something inside me can't stand seeing someone else sing the songs _i_ wrote, sing the songs the _three_ of us wrote. so that's what motivates me. i want to show the world that i'm not just some rapper boy who writes nonsense lyrics just to sound relevant. i think the three of us know that."

there was a pause, and changbin took deep breaths. "it's still weird sometimes that i couldn't talk to your ghost anymore. those months still feel fresh in my mind somehow, but it's been three years. three years, hyung. i wish you could hear us sing. i wish you were here to see us grow. i'm already past your age now," he laughed. "that creeps me out sometimes. it's like i can just call you woojin now."

the wind had picked up, making changbin shiver in his coat. it was getting dark out, too. the people were starting to leave. "but yeah, i have a meeting today at like, 9pm. it's late, i know. and i have school tomorrow." changbin looked around and saw a single figure walking towards his direction. he recognized how the figure was walking, like it belonged to someone he knew. but changbin turned back to the grave. "maybe one day, we'll all be here, visiting you so we could be nine again."

he took a deep breath. "well, hyung. i'm off. i haven't had—"

"changbin hyung?"

that voice. it sounded familiar to changbin, almost like the voice of one of his friends. it rang through his ears like a church bell going off. but it was impossible. no one knew he was going here today. and that voice sounded like it belonged to someone he hadn't seen in a long, long time.

changbin finally turned around slowly, to be greeted by sharply shaped eyes that hid behind loose bangs. the boy had a face mask over his mouth and nose, making it hard for changbin to tell who he was. the white coat hung tightly around the boy's tall frame. he was tall, not like it was shocking. he almost stood like an idol, chin up and confident. but there was something about the look in his eyes that seemed to radiate a childlike energy, like he still needed constant guidance from the people around him.

the boy's eyes crinkled as he smiled, pulling the face mask down to his chin. and it hit changbin that moment. that was why the voice sounded familiar. that was why the way he walked seemed familiar. that was why there was a certain look in the boy's eyes.

the boy standing a few feet away was yang jeongin.

"jeongin?" changbin said in almost a whisper.

jeongin waved and put his arms out. his smile was brighter now, and his braces were gone. changbin didn't know what to make of what was happening in front of him, but he gave jeongin the tightest hug he had ever given anyone. he had grown much taller now, too, and more handsome.

"what… how did you—when did you…?"

jeongin laughed. "i'm going to start school soon," he said. "i'm staying here now, at least for college."

"does anyone know you're here?" changbin asked, but jeongin just shrugged, the smile still on his face. "since _when_ were you here?"

"just a little after winter break," jeongin said. "i… i didn't think i'd see you again. i didn't know where to start. your house… someone else lives there now."

changbin smiled. "yeah, my family went back to yongin after i decided to stay with jisung and chan hyung."

"and i didn't have any of your contacts," jeongin said. "but i understand. i've heard your music around seoul for a while."

"how are you?" changbin asked. he couldn't resist asking the question. it had been years since they all last saw jeongin. he was a child back then, a child in need of help. but this jeongin was more mature. his jaw was sharper now, hair was shinier, his body was more muscular. it seemed like the jeongin that left three years ago spent a whole other lifetime to come back as this.

he shrugged. "been okay. i had to repeat a year when i went back to busan—got professional help, too. my parents became more strict until my senior year there. i promised them i changed, and that i was okay. and now i'm back for college." jeongin shifted in his position, lifting up one of the sleeves of his coat. it revealed one of the deep scars he had made on himself three years had passed. it was still there, a long vertical line that ran across his forearm. "i had them stitched," jeongin said. "which explains why it's dark and ugly. i… i attempted one more time back home, reopening the wounds. but i eventually came through."

"i'm proud of you, jeongin," changbin said. he didn't know what else to say. he was happy jeongin was back. he never even thought it was possible anymore, but here he was, tall and happy. and then changbin remembered something. that one thing that motivated chan, jisung, and himself to get their friends back during the whole ordeal that took place years ago. it had been long since chan had mentioned it, having to move on from that time of his life. but this was something he had to tell chan once he got back to the apartment. "the key…" changbin said, almost in a whisper.

jeongin smiled. "you came to visit woojin hyung, huh," he said, looking at the grave and the flowers beside it.

changbin sighed. "i do it when i can since i have tight schedules these days. but jeongin—"

"wanna keep doing it together?" jeongin interrupted, and changbin broke into a smile. "of course. i'm not letting you go this time," he said. "jeongin—"

jeongin made a face, laughing silently. "i'm not going anywhere this time, hyung. and i promise you that. anyway, since i expected to be alone here and ended up _not_ , i should skip my visit and go tomorrow. i wanna have some alone time with him."

"you want me to leave? i was gonna go, anyway. i have a meeting at 9 and i haven't had dinner."

jeongin shook his head. "dinner sounds good, though. we were gonna have it right after this, too."

"we?"

"yeah," jeongin said, pulling his face mask back up to his nose. "the person i'm with is the one who told me about the keys, by the way. we were talking about you guys one time when he mentioned it. i guess i found mine by myself. i'm sorry it took long. anyway, i'm gonna go back to the car and wait for you there if you need a little more time."

jeongin started walking away, and for a moment, it scared changbin. it was like jeongin was leaving again, and he didn't want that to happen anymore. 

"jeongin, wait!" changbin called, pulling his coat closer to his body again. "what's your key?"

jeongin stopped on his tracks and turned around, the fox eyes staring at changbin in a way that he couldn't decipher. "you should've gotten it by now, hyung," he laughed. "it's time. i needed time to be better."

changbin smiled as a wave of relief washed over him. this jeongin really was more mature. he knew what he was saying now, and he seemed to have more balance in the way he stood. "i'm glad to know," changbin said. "and… who's we?"

once again, jeongin smiled, pulled his face mask down and said, "wanna take a guess?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **UHHH so there it is!! i left the last part like that, in hope for an open ending, and it'll be up to you guys to decide what happened and who's in the car waiting for jeongin : >> whatever you guys interpret, whatever you guys think is the ending, that's acceptable. after all, you're the reader and you know what happened ;> anyway thank you so much. i hoe this fic was a roller coaster ride for you guys.**
> 
> **and the very last entry is going to be a special chapter? one shot? i think it's something you guys would want to know before actually knowing this book is finished :D**


	42. hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ****  
> _performance day,  
>  the night of the incident_  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **this was like like almost 3k words? lmao i was on a roll writing this**

**18:30**

"are you going to get that or are you going to stare at it while i pay?" yeji asked. jisung then blinked, not realizing that he was staring at a pack of chocolate in his hand. he nodded, slowing turning to yeji. "yeah," he said. "let's go."

it was another familiarly boring day in school. the projects and quizzes never seemed to end, and jisung was slightly falling behind. this made him ask help from his friend and classmate, hwang yeji. she was the class president, was bright and really helpful. she never seemed to get mad, either. jisung thought she would decline, but to his surprise, she scheduled a study period in the library after school that day.

now, it was after study period, and the two had made their way to the nearest convenience store by the school to grab, what yeji called, victory snacks.

"you gonna attend the performance later?" yeji asked as they walked towards the bus stop.

jisung shook his head. he wasn't entirely sure what he really felt that day, but there was something different about the atmosphere. it almost seemed spooky, and cold. but that was impossible. it was only august. "oh uh, i have a lot of things to do," jisung lied. "y'know, better start the semester right."

yeji made a face. "we just studied. you can take the night off and enjoy. it's hyunjin's performance night, right?"

jisung nodded. "yeah, uh… i told him i wouldn't be able to go because… school work." but the pause in between jisung's words was too long. and if yeji knew jisung was lying, she decided she didn't want to pry. so instead, she said, "oh okay. i'm going to be backstage tonight, too. so it's going to be pretty hectic later."

they finally reached the bus stop, where jisung had to wait. yeji tapped his shoulder. "i'll be heading back to school. you be careful, okay? and don't be shy to ask me for some help next time." she gave jisung a small wave and turned around, skipping back the way they came from.

jisung didn't know why she had to walk him to the bus stop. she could've just let him walk by himself. but that was the least of his worries that moment. jisung's chest started feeling tight, like the air in his lungs was being squeezed out of him. his knees started to buckle. was this happening because he was now alone? with no one to see him? he sat down on the bench, and closed his eyes.

_one._

_two._

_three._

he took a deep breath.

_four._

_five._

_six._

he then felt the back of his throat hurting. was he going to cry? why would he? nothing was wrong. nothing could be wrong. everything was going as planned. he was getting help from yeji, he had a couple songs written in a stack of papers back in the apartment, too. what was this heavy feeling?

_seven._

_eight—_

"hey, kid! are you going to ride the bus or not?"

jisung's eyes flew open. the bus driver had a concerned look on his face. jisung nodded and got up, making his way into the bus without his knees giving in. whatever that was that was happening to him on that bench, he was thankful the bus driver had snapped him out of it.

**19:50**

**jisung 19:10**  
_hyung, wanna watch the performance tonight? it's not too late to go. :D_  
**_read_ **

**jisung 19:19**  
_woojin hyung, changbin hyung is sick. maybe you'd wanna visit him instead? everyone else is at the show if you don't wanna go :[_  
**_delivered_ **

**jisung 19:39**  
_hyung? changbin said we can play on his switch if you want to go heh : > wanna beat him together at mario kart??_  
**_delivered_ **

**jisung 19:42**  
_hyung, is there something wrong?? i noticed the past few days that you've been really quiet and you barely went to the hideout anymore. i think the last time you went was two weeks ago : <. maybe it's school? it's okay. i'm afraid of falling behind too. but take tonight off! :> off your brain for a while and hang out with us. _  
**_delivered_ **

**jisung 19:50**  
_woojin hyung, i'm coming over. this is scaring me._  
**_delivered_ **

it wasn't supposed to scare jisung. that normal day in august was supposed to bring nothing but smiles and _'good jobs!'_ from hyunjin's performance. the heavy feeling that he had the whole day wasn't supposed to be real. it was only supposed to be in his head. it was only supposed to be his anxiety kicking in.

but that was the thing. the worry jisung had been feeling fired up the anxiety in him, making things ten times worse than they should have been. he wasn't supposed to be panicking. he wasn't supposed to be in the brink of tears as he snatched his jacket from the drawer before running out of the apartment. he was just going to check on woojin. nothing was wrong. nothing will ever be wrong.

but that was where jisung was wrong.

the city lights were at their usual brightness, making sure to illuminate the city as much as they could. some streets were still busy. the locals were making their way to the night market just like any other normal day. and it was. the city lights, the night market, the clubs, the honking cars, the people—these were the things that were normal. the only thing that wasn't normal on that seemingly cold night was a brown-haired boy, clutching his jacket tightly against his body, running through the city trying to contact his friend.

jisung checked his phone. **20:18**. the performance had probably started by that time. and as jisung continued running, he thought of keeping this to himself for a while—this feeling that something very wrong was happening. he contemplated whether to tell changbin or not, too, but he was sick, so jisung didn't bother. his feet were getting tired. it had been minutes since he had started running, but he was near woojin's neighborhood, so he continued to run and run and run and run.

finally, he made it up woojin's front steps, knocking furiously at the door as he tried to catch his breath. a few moments had passed before the front door opened with woojin's mom at the other end.

"hello," she said. "is there anything i can help you with?"

"mrs. kim," jisung started, breathing slowly. "i'm jisung. i'm woojin hyung's friend. is… is he home?"

woojin's mom pursed her lips. "he left about twenty minutes ago," she said. "he told us he was going to attend a friend's performance at school. were you supposed to go together?"

jisung's heart started beating faster. "uh, no, mrs. kim," he said. "i was just checking because he told me he wasn't going. i was hoping he'd wanna play video games."

it was a lie jisung had to make right in front of woojin's mom. he couldn't tell her that he felt something wrong. after all, jisung felt all the wrong things the world had to give.

"ah, i see," she said. "maybe he decided to go after all. you should catch up on him, jisung. he'd probably want to hang out with you there."

jisung nodded, not knowing how to respond. "thank you, mrs. kim. and sorry for wasting your time."

jisung said his goodbye and started walking away. he tucked his hands in the pockets of his jacket. was woojin really going to the show? why didn't he reply to him then? 

"oh, jisung!" someone called behind him.

jisung turned around, and mrs. kim had gone out of the house, holding something in her hands. he walked back to her, an urgency in his footsteps. what were in her hands? why did she call him like he was _supposed_ to be the one to be called?

"woojin told me to give you these," she said, handing a small pile of letters. the top letter had chan's name on it. "i'm not sure why, but he just told me and went off. i wasn't able to ask him about it. maybe he knew you were coming."

jisung stared at the letters in his hands. why had woojin written individual letters for each of them? why did he want his mom to give them to him? where was woojin now?

"thank you, mrs. kim," jisung said. "i—i need to go."

"take care, jisung," she said. "and please tell him to come home before eleven."

jisung was sure woojin's mom had said something else, but everything seemed to blur out. he couldn't hear anything, see anything, nor even feel anything as his feet started running fast. he didn't know where he was going, but he needed to find woojin. because if he was okay, what was with the letters? why didn't he answer any of jisung's texts anymore? 

**20:59**

jisung stopped by the han river, bending over his knees, trying to catch his breath. his feet burned, he felt cold, and the letters were crumpled in his hand. he didn't notice the tight grip he had on them, almost like he really didn't want to let go.

the streetlight he was under started flickering, as if to give him another sign of an unfortunate event. he looked at the letters and noticed something sticking out in the middle. he pulled the small piece of paper and read what was on it.

**_jisung, i need you to give these letters to everyone else. you'll know when it's time. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry for this jisung, but when it happens, you'll be the only person i can trust with these. goodbye._ **

jisung had only experienced an immense amount of pain once in his life. it was that time he broke his arm after falling from a tree when he was seven. it hurt for months, and jisung wanted to get mad at every creature that existed in the world. the pain he had felt was so unbearable that he would sometimes cry and end up fainting.

but that pain was physical pain. and no amount of broken bones would have been able to equal the pain jisung felt that night by the han river, looking at the last note woojin had given him. his knees buckled, making him drop to the ground. he ignored the stares people were giving him as they passed him by. nothing that night mattered anymore. his breath had shortened, making him hyperventilate in no time. the tears had started rolling down his cheeks uncontrollably. he didn't know what to do or who to call or where to go. everything was blank. but one thing gave him the strength to pick himself up from the ground.

he was going to find woojin.

**21:28**

a couple more minutes had passed by. the bright sky became darker, the stars had faded as more city lights illuminated the city. jisung hated the bright lights, they always washed out the stars. but there was one particular star that continued glowing in the sky that night—alone, yes, but still bright.

jisung found himself walking towards the high school he went to. he didn't like the place, it gave him a suffocating feeling like if he entered, he wouldn't be able to come out. but he made his way inside anyway, passing by a stone wall, and climbing over it with ease. it had been the way he, felix and hyunjin used when they were late for school. the performance was probably almost done by now, but jisung didn't bother. 

he had one last place to check.

"woojin hyung!" jisung called as he walked towards the hideout. it was dark, and he had to use his phone as a flashlight. jisung wasn't normally afraid of the dark, but there was something about the emptiness it held as he stood by the bench. he could only think of one thing.

the hideout was empty, which meant woojin was still missing. jisung sat down, tired and dehydrated from all the running. the heaviness he felt in his chest was worse now. he had to shut his eyes and count to ten, again. but when jisung was finished, he didn't feel any better.

it was when he stood up, jacket pulled closer to his body, letters tucked in his pocket, ready to leave the place and search once again, when jisung's phone started ringing in one of the pockets. immediately, he pulled it out to check the caller ID.

**_woojin hyung is calling…_ **

he felt a sudden jolt in his stomach, making him drop his phone. "shit!" jisung exclaimed, bending down. but as he picked his phone up once again, he had already missed the call, the caller ID was now gone from the screen, only for a small _'1 missed call'_ to appear in front of jisung's eyes. "no, wait!" he said, dialing woojin's number once again.

but the line was busy. all he heard was the long beep that almost never seemed to end until he pulled his phone away, knees buckling once again. woojin's name seemed to glow bright in front of him as his face was illuminated by his phone's screen. he waited on the ground, not knowing what else to do, and not being able to move either.

then five minutes had passed. no text from woojin at all.

**jisung 22:03**  
_hyung??? where are you?? please text me back i'll go to you please please_

_please tell me i'm sorry i missed your call. please call me back or text me_

for a couple moments, there was no answer. and when jisung stood up, ready to run towards wherever chan was to finally ask for help, his phone dinged once.

**woojin 22:08**  
_hello jisung. this is park jaehyung. i'm a nurse at the memorial hospital. i've called woojin's parents and they are on their way now. your friend jumped off the bridge, and luckily someone had seen him so the medics were alerted immediately. we will do all we can to save him. please take care._

jisung hated pain. it consumed most of his energy, the energy he generously used to cheer his friends up, the energy he puts into writing songs and playing guitar. but pain never seemed to hate him. in fact, pain seemed to love jisung. it never left his side, taking form in panic attacks and shortness of breath, in low marks in exams and in the unavailable ice cream flavor he always runs back to, in the uncertainty of the future and in the fear that he would never achieve his dreams. it occurred to him on a daily basis, and jisung always tried his best to dismiss it, no matter how loud and painful it could get.

but that night, as he ran through late night streets of seoul, jacket flying in the air behind him, jisung had confirmed to himself that breaking an arm could never and will never amount to the pain he felt that moment he read the text message.

_your friend had jumped off the bridge._

jisung wanted to scream, to rip his hair out, to kick everything that was in his way. if only he didn't spend time sitting down in the hideout, maybe he would've been able to check the bridge right on time before woojin jumped. if only he didn't collapse by the han river, crying to himself, worrying about thoughts that shouldn't have mattered that moment. if only he channeled his worries into running faster, running farther, in order to find woojin… then maybe he would've been early enough to save him from jumping.

the nurse had explained to him through another text that the reason why woojin's number had called was because jisung's name was all over the lockscreen of his phone, and his text messages were full of worry. but jaehyung had no time to wait for an answer. that's why he had dropped the call immediately, calling woojin's parents instead.

the hospital was far back east, but jisung was running the opposite direction—away from the hospital, away from the school—towards the bridge they knew all too well. for the _n_ th time that night, jisung felt his feet burn. he knew he was going to collapse from dehydration soon but he didn't stop until he was at the bridge.

the cool august air blew against his face and hair, sending it all over the place. he leaned on the railing, looking out into the dark, black river below. it terrified him, the way the river looked so evil in the darkness, almost like it was inviting him to jump. he thought that maybe that was why people jumped at night, because people would never see it happening. the river would just swallow you up, take your last heartbeat away, and spit you back out in the morning when the caution tapes are positioned, policemen are everywhere, the locals are gathered around, and the media ready to snap photos of your dead body.

jisung didn't notice the tears streaming down his face. it was almost automatic now, the tears falling. he sobbed, bending over a little more until he was tiptoeing. "i'm sorry, hyung," he whispered in between his sobs. "i'm so sorry."

the hospital was far now, and it would be too late if he started running back. jisung was tired. he was tired of running towards nothing. it was all he ever did that night. all he did was run, and run. and little did he know, all his running led him farther away from woojin instead of towards him.

jisung had understood that night, the calmness that the river offered despite it looking scary. he understood why people would do it—to jump. if he jumped, all the pain would stop. if he jumped, no one will ever know that he failed to find woojin, that he failed to save him. but if he jumped… all the letters in his pocket would have been written in vain. so maybe jisung should have been thankful that his feet were tired that night, because he couldn't lift himself up any longer, much less carry himself over the railing.

so instead he dropped to the ground again. the people must have been giving him looks, but all jisung could think about was woojin and that little pea-sized hope in him that he would still be alive. that he would see him a couple days from now, and he'd be able to apologize.

but when his phone started ringing all those thoughts washed away like how the tides at the sea raked through the sand, taking away anything that didn't hold tight. because jisung didn't hold tight on any of those thoughts. it was too unrealistic now.

**_chan hyung is calling…_ **

_"j-jisung? where are you?"_

chan's voice shaked, and jisung didn't need any more explaining to know why. chan was crying, and he never cried. chan _never_ cried. chan was the pillar that kept everyone up. he always knew what to say in times of trouble, of misery, and of changes. chan was everyone's pillar. but what happens when the pillar falls down?

_"jisung… woojin…"_

there was a pause. and strangely enough, jisung just _knew_ what was coming next.

_"he's gone."_

everything seemed to black out, like all the city lights had switched off. and all he could see, eyes closed, tears streaming down his face, was woojin as a star, shining brightly against the darkness. jisung had found another reason to hate the city lights. they were going to wash out woojin's brightness. pain, again, seemed to love jisung. and maybe this time, pain loved him so much that it took form in death. his friend's death to be exact.

he was right about the spooky feeling that day had brought. he was right about the worry that stored itself in his gut. he had never really experienced hitting rock bottom, and jisung never expected to hit it anytime soon. but the moment those two dreadful words came out of chan's mouth, jisung felt like he was kicked into an elevator that only went down.

a hellevator.

and jisung's hellevator kept going down and down, and his feet had failed to keep him standing. he was overwhelmed by the amount of pain he felt in his chest, the amount of pain that seemed to radiate around him.

jisung swore to never talk about what happened during the hours before woojin had jumped off that bridge. it wouldn't matter anymore, anyway. he was too late, and he had failed to find him before the river had swallowed him up. when his friends asked, he would just say he was back in the apartment, and that he was in the middle of sleeping when chan had called.

no one was supposed to know what happened. if anyone did, only woojin's mom would have an idea. but surprisingly, she never spoke about jisung dropping by at their house, she never spoke about the letters she had given him, and neither did jisung.

the letters remained somewhere in his room, not seeing daylight ever since the day of the incident. it pained him too much to see them. jisung didn't know when the right time was, and he was afraid it would never come.

shortly after, he remembered felix disappearing. it made jisung slightly angry. how could he disappear when it was the time they all needed each other? but jisung couldn't find himself blaming felix. after all, they all coped in different ways. and strangely enough, it seemed like everyone else had joined him in the hellevator.

jisung didn't know how long he stayed in until he got out of it, momentarily leaving everyone else inside. because that was what everyone in school had said, that was what hyunjin had once told him—that it was too soon for him to be okay again, that jisung was back on track in no time, like nothing happened.

like he had moved on too soon.

but what they didn't know was that when jisung stepped out of that hellevator, he wasn't back to normal. his world was not normal any longer. when he got out of that hellevator, the world was different. he was in a world where there was a permanent slight fog in the air, the grass and the meadows were purple… and the city was in the sky. he usually looked up at the city. it was the same city their lives revolved in. but it was far away, carrying the pain and the weight of all their worries. jisung imagined the boys coming out of that hellevator some time after him, looking around the new world they were all in. and jisung thought that maybe… just maybe, in this world where the grass was purple and the city was in the sky… maybe woojin still existed.

and they had chosen to believe it. and there was only one way to keep moving forward after all that had happened.

jisung imagined looking back at his friends before doing what he did the most, doing what he did that night of the incident, doing what made his feet burn and hurt so much that he wouldn't be surprised if they came off, doing what brought him farther away from anything that worried him.

jisung ran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **AAAAAAND yes you're finally at the end of this story. thank you so much for all the comments and kudos! please feel free to ask questions? i guess? lmao but thank you so much. i literally have no other words.**


End file.
